Lonely College Student? What?

I'm 20 years old and in college. I should be having the time of my life, right? I should be out mingling and partying and meeting new people daily...right? I'm not. I'm really not. It's Saturday night, 10:30 to be exact and I've been sitting here just trying my darndest to convince myself that I'm a normal 20 year old college student. But I'm not, I'm really not. I'm 5'6, 135 lbs, blonde haired and dark brown eyed. I'm pretty, maybe not beautiful but I'm pretty. So why can't I meet a God-damned person? Why can't I have friends and boyfriends and people who call me to hang out? Why?

I stay cooped up in my stupid apartment...going out only for class and food. I stay hidden here, away from the world because I'm scared to go out. Why? I really couldn't tell you. I'm scared of uncomfortable situations and awkward silences. I'm scared of bad conversation and sounding stupid. And you know what? I'm increddibly...increddibly lonely. But you know what? As scared as I am of being alone forever, I'm even more scared of not being alone. What's wrong with me? Who thinks like that? I keep people at an arm's length because any closer and they could hurt me. But, keep enough people far enough away and soon enough those people are going to go and find people who will embrace them. And soon enough I stop keeping people at even an arm's length because even they walk away.

Please, please if anybody can in anyway (and hopefully a major way) understand this and connect to this, please contact me. I honestly think that I'm alone in doing this, acting like this. It's so abnormal and crazy that I feel like the only person in the entire world that feels this way. Am I?

escritor93 escritor93
414 Responses May 9, 2009

putting yourself out there is difficult and can sometimes be scary due to insecurities towards being accepted. although i am a very social person and put off a front of being ok, im really not. im not sure if actually going out, partying, and meeting a bunch of new people will solve your problem, but i think that it all starts with accepting oneself, then finding a group of friends that are like-minded and will care for you. as for the boyfriend problem, patience is key. and dont be afraid to flirt(;

I certainly can relate to what you are saying, it sounds like you have social anxiety, which is something I have dealt with and still deal with. It a situation that is hard to over come, but you do not have to be great at it, you only need a few close friends. Trying to meet others with similar interest is helpful in that the conversation is all ready on the table.Most people do not fear rejection and just move on, I was never good at this. Just remember that no matter how popular you are there are always people who will like you and dislike you. Millions of people voted for the President of the US and I assume like him, but then millions don't care for him and voted for someone else. It is just difficult.

Bingo Its almost as if i had written that (apart from the blonde hair blue eyes pretty bit)<br />
Im sitting in my room now While my neighbours are out clubbing. When i meet people (rarely) im a confident relaxed guy but when i start having to talk in a group and actually have fun something in my brain switches off and i turn into a terrified mess with all the social skills of a five year old worried that every time i open my mouth ill say something stupid so i dont say anything. <br />
<br />
Im sick and tired of it and if we even lived in the same country i would probably pay you a visit and we could go round collecting all the people like us and throw a big socially awkward party.

Love the idea of that, party for the socially awkward next weekend! :) I have that same prob too. One on one I'm great then make it a group then I disappear into a corner. I realize how lonely I am when I need to call someone and just talk bc I'm lonely. It scares me too bc I wonder if I was to get married who would be my bridesmaids (that would require me to get a bf which I can't seem to get)? Only 1 person? This scares me thinking abt it!!!! I wish there was a pill I could take to change this abt me!

I'm a lonely college student, too. Just don't relate to other girls well (and the guys that hit on me are never my type, because my type is very specific). Is there an experience group for this??

i know how you feel

You're not alone...another college student here, 19, pretty much staying in my room all the time with no friends to go see or talk to.

your story is almost exactly me except im 21 and about to graduate. whats gonna happen once i do graduate? its just gonna be that much harder to meet people and socialize. its honestly feels like the situation is hopeless

I feel the same way. I'm 20 years old and at a community college. I have always had trouble making friends, even in high school. I'm alright at casual conversation & have made some acquaintances, but nobody that I can make plans with. I'm nice and am attractive, just really shy! I have an amazing boyfriend, but he doesn't replace my need for friends. <br />
The fact that I have always had trouble making friends makes me feel like a loser. Especially since most people meet tons of people in college.

been there, done that, it sucks

I'm in college and not an ugly girl. I've been a student radio dj even and still dont manage to go to any party's and am alone most nights. I've always had bfs but never a lot of friends. I feel ya :/ the only thing that helps me is being involved in extracurriculars(things that you would enjoy even if there was no one there) like fencing team or something like that. Hang in there and know that moat people don't meet their friends for life until they enter a job in their field

I felt like it was me writing this post, I'm 19, will be a shophmore this coming fall. For me it was a type of fright, I wanted to connect with people but was afraid of the process, I wanted to be liked but was afraid of liking, I would stay in my room afraid of the outside world, I'm pretty enough, guys always tell I'm a good looking girl, but for some reason I am always extremely and painfully self councios, school will start again, and I will try once more to reach out to others, hopefully with a little luck even if I don't make many friends I'll make a few quality ones.

You are not alone~ I feel the same way too.. I feel really uncomfortable and awkward talking to people and starting relationships. I get worried of what people will think of me. This shyness is starting to ruin my college life.. because Im in my early twenties. It feels like I'm wasting my early life stage cooped inside my house~

I almost loved having a single to myself instead of a double with a roommate throughout college. It was nice when I had housemates my junior and senior year, but I still spent many nights doing nothing at all. I got involved in organizations on campus and still struggled to have a social life beyond that. People knew me, but I hated knowing that when lunch or dinner rolled around, there was a good chance I'd end up sitting by myself. <br />
<br />
I really didn't come out of my shell until my senior year anyway and grad school was where I came into my own, although I was still excluded from many social outings. Just be known for who you are and nothing more. People will remember you for it in the long run.

Where are all you people? I'm 20 as well, also in college, also lonely. I'm attractive (bored with years of insecurity so I'm just gonna say it) and kind and funny and enthusiastic and I can't meet anyone. My friends have all sort of vanished, although I know that I'm partially and probably to blame but in the moment being alone seems better than being lonely in a room full of people.<br />
I just want to go out and enjoy the city I'm in but.. Alone? With my mother? Who I adore but the point remains.. I wish there was a way for us to meet and not dwell online seeking out other wildly confused, sad wonderful people. I live in Austin and I'm pretty new to this huge weird state. Help me.

Hi! I'm also a 20 year old college student IN AUSTIN! I've lived in Austin all my life, and I ended up here for college (at UT). Although I have a couple, very good friends, I haven't made any new ones and I often get lonely. I would love to help you enjoy this city!

no !! actually yes .every most person in their life at ur age even me thinks like that....and readin and searching stuff on net to get rid of it...but i will tell u 1 thing ..jst show urself truly instead of convincing them that u r a hero or something like that...nd i have a frnd just like u..i trully help him to solve their problems...i try to make him happy...//it makes me good person//

I truly am pretty much the exact same way. I feel just like you. All my friends have vanished and it seems like i'm stuck in my own little bubble of a world

This got to me. I almost shed a tear.

I was like you in college. And bein lonely turned into drinking an that turned into skipping classes and that turned into dropping out. Now I'm 23 raising my 16 year old sister taking one class at a time at a local community college. I know it's scary but say something to someone in class. One time I asked a girl I'd her lip piercing hurt and we became instant friends. Turns out she was lonely too and was just looking for someone to accep her for her. <br />
<br />
We were 18 at the time. 23 now she went off to school in Arizona and were still friends to this day. Sometimes all you need is one person to stave off the loneliness.

I know exactly how you feel. You simply need to have some guts and go out and try to talk to people. Practice! Practice! Practice! Figure out stories you want to tell. Make new hobbies.

Your not alone not at all. When i look back on how my life was 3yrs ago i cant believe how i got to where i am today.. I had heaps & heaps of mates i remember making plans with 5 people at once at all the same time, constant txting phone calls it was normal and i felt like a somebody! Now i have two beautiful kids. But i have no one i can talk to no mate to pop over for a coffee or just a mate to go and sit with. Within the time of having my boys i still had mates and things were fine but i eventualy had to grow up for my boys but since that i feel like i get looked at like the boring young mum. Im not though some of the people i hung around didnt like the fact i didnt let them use me. I also found out they werent the mates i thought they were. now none of us talk, they still do there thing together but i got pushed out pretty fast. I remember one day meeting up with a mate and i was excited n couldnt wait to talk n catch up,anyway we got to talking about new years and az much az my mate didnt wont to just say it, i knew she already had plans and didnt wont me to go. She let me sit there for ages going on about it before i realised. Felt like a **** after that. They all thought cause i had kids i couldnt do anything, which was silly cause i was the main person trying to do fun things like road trips or gigs night out on the **** anything to enjoy the time we/I have. I did learn 1 thing though you finally start to see who your real mates are, they ones that hang around no matter what!!!! I am now currently still lonely i have family but they will always be there & my 1 best mate who is all the way up north : (. So if there anyone out there who just wants to talk flick me a msg.

No you're not the only one.. we feel the same way... i hate talking to people because im scared it turns to be awkward and im scared bec. they might hurt me... your attitude is normal and unique... you should not change... just do what you want where you are comfortable and you find friends with the same attitude... smile ^_^ we are unique

Honestly, face your fear's and beat them at their own game by living. Trust me in you don't the problem will deepen so much that you will not know how to act in any kind of relationship. Just be yourself and most important realize that some will like you and some will not. Just be cool with that because that's reality for everyone. Those that embrace that fact are most secure with being themselves. Simply put, you are afraid that other will not like you and that will hurt. But currently you hurting because of your fears, so face them and they will leave, I promise.

When I was in high school, I had two friends. Just two.<br />
When we had a reunion, I wondered why people never came up to me, and they said that it was because I was closed up, and they were too afraid to approach me and I seemed fine with my small clique.<br />
<br />
That might be your case. Maybe if you want to be friends, go and make some, they wont ALL come to you, sometimes you'll have to go to them, but be out-going and available, in a self-respecting way and you might see a difference. Maybe you look to comfortable alone and thats why you've not had anyone approach you yet.

i notice there are alot of pretty girls who are lonely. You do intimate guys, so if you like someone make it very clear.

I don't have the same problem, but I can understand you, because I know someone with the same problem.

I kept telling him, that he is strong enough to bear the pain. It's true. People are mean. People say awkward things. But everyone has to face this. &'nd I'm sure you can, too.

Break the barrier. There are many people in this world, that want to keep you in their hearts...

hey u nt the only person itz 4am in the morning on a saturday i didnt anything much i locked my self in my apartment no friends around no girl friend no such and am handsome

Join a social/sporting/cultural club at your college (a cooking class or language class is a pretty good way to meet people). That way you needn't have to worry about something to talk about, as your interest will immediately be a good starting point. Also, I feel the extact same way about being "afraid being not alone"; there are times when I want my privacy just to do my own thing or to do nothing at all. I think most people understand that we all need a little 'me' time.

On the other hand, don't go too far in the other direction either. For example, you might think that all the people your age go clubbing to unwind and have fun but if that's not your thing, don't do it; you'll just make yourself feel worse.

I hope I have helped. If I've sounded too preachy, I am sorry and just disregard this.

no you are not; however, you might do well by expecting to think and fell this way again in the future. I myself fell very lonely right now. I wish I had someone to talk to.

you can always talk to me

I think it's called staying in your comfort zone. & some people like and need routine, seems like you at least have that going. I'm a 21-year old in college feeling similarly (if you read my experiences/blogs, my feelings haven't changed much over the years.) I guess it all has to do with your outlook on things. Also, consider joining a meetup.com group, I'm sure they have something you'd be interested in joining? That's what I did and although I haven't made friends right away, it's a start. The more you push yourself to make efforts the better you will become and more adapted socially! It's going to take time but first of all, stop thinking you're alone. That's a lie, many lonely people "live" their life everyday-do your best seeing the positivity and I promise you'll notice improvement little by little :) Have faith!

i would like to join that group. we all should. it could give us some connections here, and could help us socialize with other people we meet to. it could give us more confidence. i'm glad i'm not the only one who feels nervous like this

Hi! I feel the exact same way. I am not repulsive, at least I don't think so. And I think I am pretty enough, and I don't smell either. Why don't people come up to me? What sort of vibe am I projecting? And if I do sometimes, make a friend or acquaintance, it still takes a lot of time for me to get close to them. I am just closed of I guess. And this past year, I deluded myself into thinking that I don't care about any of it and that I am at my best when I'm alone. But I feel really lonely now, and still can't go out and meet people. I just can't! I am incredibly shy and really uncomfortable in social situations. I just want to meet one like minded person whom I can bond with, but I am not even able to muster up courage to do that. On top of that, I have recently moved to London for my masters, its completely new to me, and I am not English, so I feel even more like an outsider. I just don't know how to stop being so socially inept.

I'm 21 and in my junior year of college. I just transferred to this place and have not met many people either. The people I have met are relatively friendly when I see them in person - but they never contact me to hangout. I will contact them but no reply. I guess they aren't the people I'm meant to hangout with.. I am hoping it gets better though. I am looking into joining more organizations to meet more people who share my interests.

You just described me, you have social anxiety. So do i, awkward situations just make my heart drop and i always feel like i'm going to be awkward... which makes me nervous, which then makes me awkward! Basically there's nothing to fear except fear itself. Confidence is key my friend, i feel like a hypocrite saying this because I don't have any... but **** if i'm trying.
Also dude, the best thing you can do... is just do it, start slow... but start socializing now, even if you're awkward... you can learn from your mistakes and then better yourself in social situations in the future, like everything man, practice makes perfect! Now put yourself out there, don't be a douche, be nice to people, and you'll get a positive response from most... and if someone doesn't like what your saying? **** 'em, don't dwell on it and move on!

i'm autistic so it's even harder for me to talk to people. sometimes i can do it, but other times i am afraid of being hurt or rejected by other people so i hide. i am in no place to tell you what to do because i have the same problem but i think the best thing to do is to let a conversation happen naturally. don't try to force something, or else you won't get the result you want. dont even think about it too much. this has worked for me at times. even just being out in the open around people helps i guess. for instance, i saw people in the lobby playing ping pong, which i enjoy, so i asked if i could have next round. i didn't have anything to say to these people, all i wanted to do was play. afterwards though, sharing an activity with someone brought out something we both shared interest wise, and now the person is one of my best friends here at college. I still struggle with socialization though, because i suffered through so much rejection and pain as a kid, and now as a 19 year old, i still can't handle it and am afraid to face it.

I completely get that. I've been feeling the same way. I mean, I have a few acquaintances, but no real friends and I've been here for 5 weeks. Everyone else already has their own set of friends. I wish I could help you, but you're not alone in that way.

I'm 24, so maybe it's not encouraging to hear the same things from a person older than you, i could understand that. But I struggle with this everyday; it sounds like you have a hard time going out. For me it's almost the opposite, but still all the same. I go out all the time, and everyone loves hanging out with me, but no but my best friends want to take a chance on me. I've become so lonely, at 24 a former amateur hockey player, great shape, look way above average, great personality, and yet every girl I'm ever interesting in, doesn't want to take a risk on me, & I have no idea why. I'm even a Senior in college... I've tried online dating, and trust me I have some great photo's and still nothing, idk what it is about me, but girls seem turned off. It's the most agitating thing in the world to know you are amazing, to be confident day in and day out, and never see anything amount of it. It's so depressing. I'm sorry to respond to your heart felt message with my terrible story, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and change won't happen over night, know that, but also know you are a light, don't think religious light, think you, you are beautiful, you are bright, when you walk into a room own it cuz you are illuminating! Glow and let people know you're not afraid to glow, because that's when I'm the happiest; you're right things haven't worked out for me yet. But that's no reason to ever flicker. Stay strong, Shine Bright!

I am a 22 year old. I just got my associates degree and now working on my bachelors at a new school. I have some friends but It seems like they only talk to me when they have nothing to do. I feel alone in the world. Im not the skinniest or prettiest girl but certainly not the biggest or ugliest. People say I am the sweetest and nicest (I would do anything for anyone)person and eventually I will find someone but I am now at the point where I give up on that notion. Having no one in my life; such as friends or a significant other has left me empty and alone all the time.

I get that a lot too, the sweet and nice thing. But he still choose the beautiful girl.

Exactly. It sucks.

My dear, I am 22 y.o.
I experience the exact same thing like you. Every single day, I sit alone in my apartment, doing nothing while others go out here and there with their partner. I have no idea at all where to find people to hang out with. Nobody has ever approached me to be friends or at least to hang out together. It's sickening but it's happening. I don't know what to do and now I am still sitting alone in front of my laptop with nothing to do. No one to go out with. I am single as single as it can be. i don't know what to do or where to go to meet people or find a guy. To top it up, I am fat and not very pretty. But I still live my life and cherish every moment, living like this makes me see the blessing in every little things. It made me realize how precious every moment is.

you may not even read this and I'm sure many people are in similar positions and are sympathizing here, but its hard you just have to put yourself out there, if you never expose yourself to the world the world will never take notice of you its as simple as that, i know thats vague so ill give a example like for example trying to make friends you may be worried if you try to make friends with someone it'll come off the wrong way or you'll mess up somehow but if you never try you'll never make any new friends, not everyone you try to be friends with will want to be friends with you but some will if you just put yourself out there.

I'm 20, I'm in college too and I feel exactly the same

So what college you going to. What you need to do is get out an mingle should help a little. Hey we could webcam if that fits your schedule better. just saying.

I feel the same. So you are not alone at that point. I am a few years older than you but still I felt the same when I was about your age. I wish I´d meet people like us. I wish all of those lonely youngsters would be open about their feelings, so one could discover that it´s not strange to be young and lonely.

Hey, I just came across your post tonight. I am in college as well, and have found it very hard to meet friends. I mainly just work, sit in my apartment, and study most of the time, but I would really love to have some friends to talk to. You are definitely not the only one! I'm like you, in that I am very shy and self-conscious. Let me know if you want to talk sometime!

I've read every reply and am so sad to see this trend of loneliness in college when it's suppose to be the time of your life. Many have mentioned the fear of putting themselves out there. Here's the thing, if everyone is afraid to reach out to each other then everyone will continue to be lonely. Like Lol1234567890lol mentioned, she asked a girl a question and they became great friends. It's really about finding ways to get connected and a great place to start is joining some group, any group that has or is doing something that interests you. As least you can narrow in on people with similar interests. Then start a conversation, I know, this is the hard part but someone has to do it. If all the people in this thread were to meet face to face and start conversations I bet many friendships would be forged. If someone is unresponsive, no worries, move on, and remind yourself that there are plenty of people out there that DO want relationships, remind yourself of this thread and of the potential happiness that comes from reaching out. Just do it!! You can do it!

It is very difficult to hear these sad stories about this trend of loneliness in these colleges..I have two children in college myself and this is really tough to hear..Perhaps all of you commenting out there that can relate can exchange emails and phone number etc and become a support system for each other....It wouldn't be a bad idea to stay in contact with family and friends back at home..please keep the lines of communication open it helps...don't go through this journey alone.....Im praying for all of you hang in there....and try to get out and talk to other students, conselors, people...Join clubs, sports, events....I know its scary but you must start somewhere.... hang in there.....

You sound just like me when I was 20 and in college. I was alone and scared silly of meeting people. I have always been extremely shy. The only things I did were go to class and then go back to my dorm room. Till one day I just go sick of being so alone that I went to the cafeteria and sat down for dinner. As I sat there I saw a group of people who I thought were interesting, they were in some kind of discussion. So I figured why not go and talk to them. I sat there for another half hour and finally I went to talk to them and that was the best thing I could have done. That group of people became my closest friends that year. The only thing I can suggest to you is to try and over come your fear. I know its hard trust me I have been there. I went my first year of college with no friends it wasn't till my second year was almost over that I said enough was enough and put myself out there. I wish you the best of luck and I really hope that you can find someone to hang out with. But your not alone, a lot of people have been where you are.

i totally relate. i have felt the way you do for over 25 yrs. i say why. i am good looking, intelligent,charasmatic, well built. why does no one like me? i did not date much. most of the women where i was from all went with men who made alot of money. i guess my backround was too ugly for them. i relate to staying at home and feeling empty. no phone rings or any emails make it feel even more emptier. i constantly ask the question what is my purpose and for what cause was i created for? is this all there is? being alone for your whole life and not having any friends or family? what is my purpose for wanting to stay alive? why does not any recongnize my beauty?
i am sorry you are alone and feeling empty. i wish we could hang out and laugh. i remember someone said after his mom died i was the reason he got over it. he said, you get making me laugh. the fact i am so off the wall took his mind off the death of his mom he said. we just went out and had beers together.
i wish i could do the same for you. just laugh be crazy and both learn to find our smiles again.

I totally understand how you are feeling. I am 19 and a freshman in college. The first few weeks, I put myself out there. I joined clubs, went to events, kept my dorm door open, and walked straight up to people and chatted. Then my confidence dwindled once I didn't make any real friends. Now I struggle with it everyday. I have to resist the desire to stay cooped up in my dorm room. I get stress headaches just thinking about my loneliness. I resisted begging my dad to let me move back home and transfer to the school there so I can commute. I want to keep trying and hope I find a single person that was worth it. Know that you are not alone and that this is becoming more common! You need to just realize, "Hey, what do I have to lose?" and sit at a table with people in the cafeteria or walk up to a group of people chatting. If you embarrass yourself, so what? There are more people to try to connect with! Just move on to new people and forget about anything awkward or stupid you said. How do we become less awkward? We practice by socializing. You can do it!!

I feel exactly the way you do,and my story is almost exactly the same.I graduated from High school,turned 19 and then was on my way into college.At the very beginning everything was going great.I had made some friends and was doing great in college.Then something happened and I failed three of the four classes that I was taking that spring semester,and the one that I did pass the head of my department major told me I had just barely passed that one.Then I had figured that "oh maybe I'm just in the wrong major". Then I switched majors from Graphic Design advertising to Graphic Design Arts,and started attending the fall semester.By the time I looked around I was on my way to failing all my classes again,and except for some friends from the game club I joined,really didn't have any support.So before I could fully fail I withdrew,and ever since been trying to figure out what I want to do in life,so I could get back into college,or trying to find a job.I haven't been able to do either,cause my mom want pay the bill that I owe(which is not even that much!!!)and I can't find a job.I have never felt lonelier in my life.(and my mom doesn't help,cause she is constantly belittling me,my interests,and the things that I do)

i feel the exact same way. you're not as alone as you feel, my dear.

you have written my thoughts, you are not alone.

I can relate to you in so many ways. I am a nursing major in college, so my first two years consisted of chemistries, anatomies, bacteriology, and more. Basically, I had my hands full. I chose to commute everyday to class, so I missed out on the opportunity to live in a dorm. I know a few people from other classes to talk to, but outside of class.. nothing. My closest friends from grade school go to college hours away, so I don't see them often. Now that the hard classes are over, I've realized that making friends is a lot harder now, than it would have been my freshman year. I don't blame myself because I chose to stay home to keep my GPA up. I thought that my education was number one on my priority list, but now I'm not so sure. I told myself "work now, party later; or party now, work later." I chose the first option of course, but now I'm second guessing myself. I guess you could say that I'm a "normal" person, but I just feel so darn lonely. In my extra time I study, volunteer at the local children's hospital, or go to the gym. I know...it could be worse. I just wish I had friends. People to go out and have drinks with and talk about classes, or go shopping together. Even a boyfriend. Someone besides my mother would be nice. I haven't had a boyfriend or anything close to a relationship in a year and a half. I feel so helpless with people. When I talk to them, I make them laugh. I've been told I was pretty on the inside and out. So why is it that the only breathing being sitting with me on a Friday night is my cat? Who knows.

I'm 20 in college and I can relate as well. I had actually had a great life in high school. Even though I moved to it from a different city, I was quick to make a lot of friends, was very active in the community, and was even elected in student council. But ever since I came to college, I just started losing my social life... Freshman year, I tried keeping my dorm door open, joining clubs, rushing fraternities, but I just couldn't seem to get along with any group that well. I didn't make any new friends, and lost a lot of confidence. My social anxiety took over. Til this day I'm still not sure what kind happend between high school and college, but all I know is I'm lonely as hell...and it sucks. Just hang in there.

I understand. I had a great highschool experience, however now that its over I find myself constantly alone. I feel like I do not do anything, but go to class, work, and home. I commute everyday and even though I have some friends from my classes I do not really have any others. My high school friends are spread out all across the country. I have never felt more alone in my life, but all we need to do I guess is try to stay positive. If we don't I fear we might fall into a deep hole that we need help getting out of. Try to stay strong and I pray that things will get better for you.

the reason i came accross this post is becuase i am in the exact same place... 19 and at an out state school... on the weekends i walk around the grocery store just because there are people there, the lights are bright and music soothing...

hi there i know how you feel i fel lonely all the time sure i have a few friends but first off one goes home every week end and the others boyfriend comes every weekend so ofcourse im not around her on the weekends and the rest of my friends are japanese they speak english but not very well and even though i am 19 and not 20 yet i still feel very lonely nd i wish i had a bf to but i dont and i feel ugly so i can see how you feel

I know exactly how you feel. I'm a 20-year old male. I attend college but haven't made a single friend. I ask questions to try to get to know other students and they give me one word answers and let the conversation die. I just want someone to talk to and every girl I speak with thinks I'm hitting on her. They can't wait to tell me I'm not their type. I didn't know you had to be a "type" to be worth passing the time of day with.

I feel you I'm a 21yr old male in my 3rd year of college. I've only made a few friends but they only last until the semester is over then I usually don't hear from them again. I made a few friends from a frat and they wanted me to join but at the time I didnt have the $ or time and after that semester they were gone lol... Im a good looking guy I've been told many times, i workout alot, have nice blue/green eyes, but I just cant seem to get into the flow. The main reason i believe is I have lived at home the whole time and commute. I regret not living on campus a lot. I eat alone every day. Walk around alone. Sit in class alone. Pretty much do everything alone. I got a phone # from a girl Im really interested in one of my labs (which ended already before the rest of classes b/c its a lab) so we could study together for the lecture class and she texted me a good amount and with alot of !'s the day I got her # so i figured she might be interested. But when I asked her to study today she never replied... Oh well still forever alone. It sucks. I have some good friends at home but I want friends in college and want to get a college experience. It really sucks b/c all my friends from HS are having the time of their lives in college and when they come down for the holidays and we hangout everyone talks about what they done and I just kinda avoid it. Only thing pushing me through is music. I love electronic music.

see a therapist...go to a rave...go to Burning Man...go to a golf course if you want to meet guys

I can feel your angiush... I'm a bit older and pretty much in the same boat.. All I can say is to try to be yourself...

I'm in college, too. Most people think I'm social and confident, when in reality I'm constantly second-guessing what I'm saying and afraid of sounding stupid. I sometimes get panic attacks thinking about talking to people. My point being, a lot more people feel like you than you probably realize. It takes practice to ignore that feeling and socialize anyway. It's about just getting out there and sounding stupid if that's what it takes. I think I sound stupid 50 times a day, but no one else seems to mind because I'm nice and genuine. People really just want to be liked.

Wow I have the same experience! It's comforting to know we aren't alone!

I feel like my whole life has consisted of loneliness. I'm currently a 20 year old junior as well. I'm a military brat so I never had friends from diaper days. I was always made fun of in middle school and in highschool. I went to school in Virginia my freshman and sophmore year of college and rushed a sorority there but dropped because the girls hated me. After that incident, my social anxiety and drinking spiraled out of control and I transferred to a school here in texas. I decided to rush again and I really put everything I had on the line. I opened my heart and let alot of really ****** up things slide. Like "sisters" leaving me black out drunk with guys, as well as talking behind my back. Finally last week I was dropped and now I feel like I'm back at square one. It sucks opening yourself up to people and having them stomp all over your feelings. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is here, if I'm constantly alone. My experience is very embarassing for me and I try to put on a brave face and hope that post-grad life will be better. I pray that your experience gets better because I have hope that I wasn't placed on this earth to be alone forever. I don't think anyone is.

Hey I feel for you I really do! If you need anyone to talk to I would love to be there for you as my friend was there for me when I'm sad. Just let me know ok, I really will try to help you and be a friend! x


I am much older than you but not all that much wiser. Like you , I have been stunted by BPD as much as any other.

Your story made me cry because it is so much like mine. I feel for you so much it hurts.
I had the same experience in college. I finished college but was always alone

I have hidden from people and pushed them away all of my life. Sometimes brutally.

I would just say, try to hang in there and look for someone who is strong and steady. There IS someone who will see the beauty that is in you. Someone will see the many positive aspects that you have (the nice things of BPD-there are many).

-We are sensitive (that can be a very good thing) .

-We are sincere (we hate bullshit). BTW many people respect that!

-We see things that others don't (creative, artistic, critical) .

-We see dangers before anyone else (we are wary and very protective of the ones we care about).

- We know when someone is messing with us (most times) . Sometimes we can get a little paranoid but its better to be wrong than be right :)

I am just another sufferer like you but luckily my wife-to-be saw my positive attributes when we were in college despite all of the nasty BPD stuff (at that time I did not even know I had BPD. We both thought that I was just "unique".

We have done well even though I suffer (BAD) still. I am proud to say that We have a wonderful daughter who has recently has become a doctor.

I have NO doubt that my steady involvement in my daughters life, from her birth to her graduation has made a big difference in who she is today - in a very positive sense. She never could have doubted that I loved her or that I supported her in everything she did. No matter what! I was so BPD with my little girl. If I was NORMALl, I probably would have been "too busy" for her. So much for normal.

I have been with my wife for 35 years. It has been very hard for her at times and I have been a real pain in the butt for her but I always let her know that I loved her. The fact that we really cared for one another seem to have worked.

I say all of this so you know there is someone who will love you for who you are despite your problems. It has worked for me and it will work for you. Be patient. Someone will see the beauty inside you.

All the best

I feel exactly the same way and have the same issues /:

Same, although I'm 18, in college and may see student counsellor soon for this problem. Maybe you should too? Although it won't be guaranteed that they can help. Like another day I talked to a tutor and he saw this problem quite simple to solve ('Go out and find friends', 'do something', 'ask counsellor', 'email tutors for help' etc), but well it's not easy when you're secluded (or at least feeling so) enough to be trapped on your own island. Maybe reaching for people is the best way if you can do it. Or maybe, a person who REALLY listens/joins you to break this loneliness is actually sufficient...(but it's a bit miracle to me if it happens really). Anyway thanks for sharing and hope you'd get better soon!

If you need a friend or someone to listen and understand, I'm quite happy to help :)

wow... you're just like me.

Yep, I can relate to that. I don't like being lonely at all, but at the same time I don't like being socially awkward. At times it causes me to avoid casual social situations where I don't already know the people there. At some point something's got to break though. Your need for companionship is going to override your social fears.

I can relate to lonliness. Lonliness is the friend that I've ever had my entire life. Even when I was a kid, I didn't go to another person's house and even now it's the same. I'm 19, in school, and have no life. I hear parties going on here around campus, but I don't go. I thought I had made some great friends, but they turned out to be fakes who don't really care about me. I've asked them if they wanted to hang out and they come up with the same darn excuse every time. "I gotta work", "I got class", "I got a meeting". So I stopped there. We just say hi and bye now. Other than that, they always ask me for money. I gave a total of $200 and haven't had a dime of it back. Before winter break, one asked me again. I just pretended like I didn't hear anyone and walked right past him. Idk; sometimes people can be your worst enemy. I'm still trying though.

I totally relate to your words. I was very much the same in college, too. I was afraid of being hurt, left behind, used, etc. It's hard to do it, but if you can gradually put yourself in situations where you can be around people, and interact, it may help you to feel more comfortable with yourself. Volunteer groups, church, extra-curricular activities, book clubs, a part-time job, etc....whatever your interests are. This will give you an opportunity to develop relationships with others gradually. Another thought, is to speak with a counselor (or another trusted professional) who can guide you. They may even be able to help you look into your past and work through the things that may be causing you to feel as you do.

You aren't alone, and you aren't strange in any way. Don't give up. You are young, smart, and I imagine you're very attractive. Some things take time and effort. You can get there.

u r not alone....coz same goes to me...what can i say this such cruel3 world....so u should double ur ''cruel'' to take down all those feeling...juz endure , be truthful of urself, n plz try to make up a lots of friends n mybe from my experience The MIster Right will appear...n dun force urself really hard...juz go with the flow

I understand that... Cuz I went from a basketball player at a good school.. To a normal student at my parents house just waiting to graduate.. All my friends are still in Nebraska I'm back in Texas...

I had the same experience but in highschool. I didnt talk to anyone for over a year and a half. When i moved up to College i experienced a whole new type of lonelyness. Now im surrounded by people but dont let them into my personal world becasue im afraid of getting hurt again. Every day i try to fit in and make friends but it never seems to work.
All we can do is keep surviveing, keep working, and try to stay open to good opertunities.

It would appear that you have the word for word symptoms of a Hikikomori. I think that you need to take more risks in the world. Sure, people may end up hurting you; however, by opening up to people you will make many more friends that won't hurt you. So, in the long run, it is much more worth it to take a chance and make friends than to stay alone in fear of being hurt.

I feel you girl, and everyone on this board. I am creating in myself both an incurable introvert and someone who is desperate for the love and attention of another human being. Sitting in my dorm alone night after night is reducing me to someone who is less than functional. But I can't bear to go out and maybe run into someone I know, have a terribly awkward conversation, and leave me feeling worse about myself than I was before. It's a vicious cycle.
But maybe it's okay to be lonely in college. If people started talking about loneliness more openly, maybe the world would be a little less lonely. If you think about it, it's very easy to be lonely...I'm sure many people actually are.

Yes many people are quite lonely. Even in a big city surrounded by tons of people, one can feel lonely.

Same here...I feel every word you wrote :( It has never been easy for me to make friends. I always knew that I judged myself way harsher than others do, but I can't seem to stop. My parents were very protective and they didn't let me go out with friends and hang out when I was young. Because of that I never learned how to socialize with people. Sometimes in my class I just look around and see people in groups and just talk, talk, and talk and I wonder how is it that it's so easy for them. I am so scared to tell my opinion, because I feel like people will judge me for how I sound like or what my opinion is. Whenever I go to school, the only time I actually talk is when I am at work, because it's necessary. When I wasn't working I would go almost a whole day not talking to anyone. I know it's crazy and unhealthy, but I am just way too insecure. I yearn to just hang out with friends, laugh, date, and have new experiences. I am sometimes so scared that I am never going to find love because I never accept dates when guys ask me out because I feel like I know how it will end, them thinking that I am just so boring. My life has become so routine with going to work and classes during the week and pretty much stay home during the weekend. I could predict what I'll be doing this time in 4 months :P

It's scary how similar your story is similar to mine. I too grew up very protected and was never allowed to go out with friends. But things started to change towards the end of highschool. And I started to hang out with people outside of school. And the more I forced myself into social situations, the easier it became. The first five minutes would be awkward as hell but eventually you stopping thinking about being awkward and you focus on the conversation at hand. I think that's our problem. We are too afraid to say the wrong thing that we are thinking and rethinking and then we convince ourselves to not go anywhere or try new things. But we have to do the things that we "think" will make us uncomfortable and realize that its just "all in our head" and we are making irrational thoughts seem rational. Live in the present moment 'cause yesterday is gone and tomorrow might never come. -- I forget who said that :)

I was the exact same way in college. It seems like you have gotten a lot of detailed responses, so I'll just share what helped me (admittedly only a little). <br />
<br />
Working helped. Once I found a job I had no choice but to mingle with my coworkers (I worked at a movie theater). At first it was as awkward as other interactions, but before long I had made some real friends who I still talk to. It gave me a group to chill with at the parties and what not. And when we just kicked back, I met other like-minded folks who were friends with the coworkers I got along best with.<br />
<br />
If you can handle doing clubs, I was often advised to do that. I never did because it just didn't feel right for me... but who knows, maybe your campus has a club dedicated to a cause or hobby that you really like. ****, my buddy is part of a club at UC Berkeley strictly for playing pokemon games! Lol. <br />
<br />
There are many people who don't quite fit in and experience a lot of what you're going through. It's not easy, but you can do it. Best wishes!

I can totally relate to what you have just said. I'm currently a freshman in college. I practically have no social life and I'd be lucky if I spoke a sentence in a day. I've always been a loner type of person and I've gotten so used to that personality that I'm scared to go out of the barriers I've put around myself. Whenever I see someone I recognize, I run away. I can't bring myself to go and make a conversation with them. I hate it. I wish I could, but I can't.

Sometimes I fear that if something happened to me on my way home (I walk home alone, sometimes at night), no one would know or even care. They say "no man is an island" but why does it feel like I am?

I'm sorry I can't offer you a good advice, but I can definitely say that you are not alone. And seeing as you have posted this in 2009, I hope you have found someone you can lean on :)

I totally identify with you. I came to America 2 years ago and my life in my country was pretty busy but still I felt that I didn’t have “real” friends. I always got along better with men than with women, and also, some alcohol would have always helped me to manage my anxiety and my insecurities. Now, I don’t drink and I don’t have anything to help me cope with my lonely life. Before I always looked forward for weekends, now, they make me feel hopeless. Like you, I am pretty and I am really a good person but somehow I have become an incredible insecure person, too self-conscious of my vulnerabilities that I cannot enable a conversation. I am just comfortable with my silence and I am repressing all the nice and bad things that happened to me. I need help.

I can relate. It's my first year of college and I feel utterly lost and alone. Like everyone's been invited to a party that I haven't, like there's some big secret that everyone knows about having friends and being happy with people that I never got told. And to make it worse, I feel obliged when I go home to act like I'm happy and making friends. It's almost the worse part of it all.

I felt like this my freshman year and even a little my sophomore year. But I started to hang around people who were like-minded individuals (wasn't all about getting wasted and whatnot). I think its also a good idea to try to find people that you look up to and admire certain qualities about them. See if there are clubs/organizations you can join. Maybe even volunteer to help others who may be worse off than you. I know whenever I volunteer my time to help those in need albeit a soup kitchen or tutoring kids I feel a sense of purpose because I helped to make someone's life a little easier and it made me realize that people are going through things that are unimaginably tough to deal with and you also get to meet people too :)

It is good to have hopes for something but in life sometimes you just got to take what fate has laid down to you! At a young age I never believed in fate I thought a lot of things you can control but not after when i turn after thirties! Down put too much hopes in anything in life since the higher hope you have the higher disappointment you will have if it doesn't come as you wanted it to be. Life is a miracle you never can hope or plan but just do it so you wish it will come as you wish but just take it as it comes.Everybody wants that person you would dream of in your life some people will get it but most will not just take relationship as a friendship. Even marriage isn't forever these days.

ah i was like that and it didnt worry me too much, yes i did fear that i was gonna b alone but in the end i made friends

I was pretty much like that when I was in college. The only difference was I always had a super-close boyfriend who I shared almost every waking moment with. It was particularly difficult when I was dating somebody who was very social. I felt forced to attend a lot of his events. All I did during those events was sit in the corner and watch everybody like an outsider. Even after almost 10 years of hanging out with the same people, I never really felt truly accepted. I never felt I belonged. I am now in my mid 30's and still feel the same. I have this thing with avoiding people/friendships. I think there is something wrong with me. The only person I get really close with is my significant other....everybody else is sort of like just around me. I don't feel the need to seek them out or feel connected with them. I do have a really strong need to be with my significant other. I think I am what they call co-dependent. I've been like this all my life. I don't know how to change it.

This sounds exactly like me. I keep to myself all the time, I only leave my dorm room for food and class, I often speak and get smiles while walking and all that other stuff. But I also keep people far away from me because I dont know what its like to have someone close to me and to stick around. In fact, I've never had this in my life, not even from family members. I am 19 right now (almost your age) and when I really think about it, i've always feared being alone, but yet I am always alone and lonely. However, I am still optimistic that I will find someone (be it a gf or just a friend) who will have the patience to stick around and give me the time to open up, and hopefully they will still stay (the opposite always happens). Your not alone, and it makes me feel so much better about myself seeing that someone else feels a similar way, and the fact that its a female gives me hope!

I feel the same way. I'm keeping people away from me only for not being hurt, but I'm feeling lonely and I need someone to talk, hang out and things like that.
I don't think we are strange... maybe we are different in some way from other people and maybe we can find some comfort with people that can understand, really understand us. So, if you'd like, message me anytime, even just to say hello and talk about everything that's in your mind :)

I was about to say the same thing, but then I realized that this was written nearly four years ago, and that nearly 15,000 people have also read this article. I'm more curious - where is this person in the world today?

When I was a college student, I was feeling what you are feeling. Now that I am out of college and in my early 30s, I still feel the same. You aren't alone. You wrote this 4 years ago. I hope you're feeling much better know.

I felt that way when I was in collage also and feel that way from time to time. I enjoy the time I have that I get to spend by myself. I guess I made peace with it and just make the best out of my life. I plan to never marry and live my life out until I’m with my soul mate again. I don’t think I can bare the pain to love and lose again.


I realize this was written 4 years ago. I hope you are doing fine. I understand and empathize with everything you said. Some of your words seem like they were taken from my college diary.

Please know that you are not alone. I'm in my late 20s now, and still feel like this from time to time. But more than anything I guess I have been lucky in finding my soulmate. Talking to her makes all these troubles go away.

Sometimes there seems to be no hope and it may seem like nothing will ever change for you. I know its hard to believe that you will get through this, but trust me you will. You have to discuss this openly with someone - a counsellor, a therapist, a parent or a friend. I hope things get better for you.

I feel this everyday and I want to reinvent myself to change this but I don't know who to turn to or where to start.

Do not turn to anyone. Everyone could try and mold you into what they think you should be. That was my mistake. Instead I would sit down with a pen and spiral notebook and write down everything you know about yourself. Biography will explaine who you are. Parents biography will explain how you came to be this way. Your faults will show what you think of yourself. Your strengths will probably be related to your faults. Example reclusive leads to introspection and self understanding. Your goals will show you what type of person you are or what you need in life. Example fan worship or making a diffrence in the world. Discover yourself. Don't let others mold you

You are not alone in this. Not at all. This is really weird for me because what your describing is my past. I'm a lot older now and have a diffrent perspective. Truth is I can't help you. But I can understand you and my strongest suggestion is that you try and understand yourself. Haveing fun isn't as important as knowing and accepting yourself. And truth is most people are walking contradictions. The popular kid who's heartbroken. The lucky rockstar who wants to end it all. The recluse who is lonely. The clostraphobe who works in a cubicle. Point is there is nothing out of the ordinary about you. Other than an amazing talent for introspection. Figure yourself out first. Then life. And don't worry.

Oh crap. I'm new to this site. Just now looked and it was indeed four years ago. I feel awkward.