Feeling Like An Island

ok well i guess my story begins back in 2005, when i got pregnant.  i was in school, my sophomore year of college.  after a lot of drama, i married my baby daddy/fiance and it seemed as if things were working out.  then after the baby was born things went from bad to worse.  my then husband quit work, eventually went back to school, and then quit that too.  after he refused to work, and lied about dropping out of jr. college, i moved him out, finished my BA, cared for our daughter, and am now working while earning my social work degree, currently we are in the process of getting divorced. 

really i think that my loneliness stems from the fact that i never really wanted to be a mother, and i never really cared for mom culture.  all of my friends from school have moved on to bigger and better things, great jobs and or grad school, while i'm working on rebuilding my life.  the rest of my friends who are in town don't have kids, and really don't quite comprehend the fact that i can't just run out at 11pm for taco bell simply  because i feel like it. 

i've found people online that i get along with, but those friendships, as wonderful as they are, are not like the friendships a person builds in real life. 

if there is anything i want to find, it is somebody i can connect with.  somebody who can see things the way i do, and is also very good at making me reconsider my own opinions.

on top of this there is also the loneliness that comes from ending a really bad relationship that lasted much longer than what it should have.  in some ways i feel cheated.  i look at my other friends who have found love, and great jobs and i feel like i missed out while spending the last 3 1/2 years trying to fix my messy personal life.

yes i can admit that i'm caring baggage, and i know all the answers, i give them to friends when they start to complain.  love your self.  be positive and you will attract positive things.  it's not an ending, just another beginning.  

i try to remember all those ideas, but at the end of the day i just feel isolated, and alone.  i wonder what it feels like to be in a loving relationship, because i think back on my last one and i wonder what it feels like to have somebody really love you.  and i think back to when my daughter was young and i wonder what it is like to really enjoy motherhood.  and i think back to my first round of school and i wonder if i would have a better job had i made all the right networking connections before graduation.  and i wonder if i'd have more friends to hang out with if i hadn't isolated my self so much while coping with the changing dynamics of my small family.

i try to think of things to do, to get out and have some fun, but i have yet to find something i can do that doesn't conflict with my work schedule, school schedule, and the time that i need to spend with my daughter. 

bingolady bingolady
May 27, 2009