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Lonely and Trying Accept It

Everyone gets lonely.  But then they eventually get over it.  I've never been over it.  I'm basicaly normal.  I mean, as normal as any of us can be, right?  I'm 31, no medical issues, seemingly happy and always friendly.  I'm the person in the office always making people laugh and keeping things light and fun.  But underneath I'm just wondering why no one tries to make me laugh.

Growing up I always felt out of place in my family.  I was very outgoing, loud, love attention.  No one in my family is like that and it was obvious.  I have an older sister so being the baby I'm supposed to have all the attention, right?  Wrong.  I love my sister but she has always had major life events going on, one right after the other.  Any great accomplishment I ever had growing up was always overshadowed by something "tragic" in my sister's life.  So I just accepted that nothing I did would ever be enough to gain the attention of my family.

I went to college and truely felt alone from my family.  I would go home for breaks but I was like a stranger there.  No one ever came to visit me in college, never called.  I knew I had officialy grown apart from my family.  So I drew closer to my friends and made some really good ones.

But I never met anyone I really felt close to.  Going through my 20's I dated, lost old friends and made new ones.  I get up in the morning and put on my happy face and try to make other people's day better.  But at the end of my day I'm still at home alone. 

I think I push people away, the older I get.  I just don't want to put myself through another failed friendship or relationship. 

Relationships are tough.  I'm not a drunk, horny college student..anymore.  hahaha

And so much of the relationship tends to be based on the physical aspect.  A few years ago I didn't have any problem getting physical early on, first date even.  And then when you never hear from him again..it hurts.

Turns out, the same thing can happen when you don't get physical.  I dated someone recently where on the 3rd date I decided not to go to bed with him...thinking all the while I made the right decision.  If this was going somewhere I should be smart about it..and was under the impression he agreed and respected that.  Boy was I wrong.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I'm only 31 but I can't bear the thought of continuing to try to find someone.  I used to be so resilient and could bounce back from anything.  But I'm human and can only take so many blows to my pride.

So I spend my days and nights trying to figure out how to make it through the rest of my life smiling and entertaining everyone else...while coming home to my empty house.

 

freckles22 freckles22 31-35, F 3 Responses Sep 5, 2009

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I am a proponent of doing what feels right for you. The universe works in mysterious ways. We may not understand the complexity, but I say listen to what your voice is telling you (sometimes nagging you) to do and trust it. Do things for you! Not for anyone else.

I am glad and sad to read what you wrote. I am sad that you feel the way you do, but glad to know that i am not alone in my feelings. They are the same as yours.



No one knows how sad i feel because i mask it with a smile and a lie. Its amazing how good i have become and hiding my sadness. i can walk out of a room laughing, and by the time i close the door of my car i am in tears. I know that what comes after the door closes is me alone and lonely. living in a house alone.



i don't make friends too easily because i moved around a lot as a child. So when i make them they are very important to me. I had 6 close friends move away two years ago and i havent found anyone to replace them since.



i try...........but i just cant meet people who touch me and connect with me the way they did. its exhausting trying sometimes. like a pointless endeavor....



i dont know. just know that youre not alone...





There is this song by Sarah Barellis called Gravity and the words are like my life.



"Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.



You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.



[CHORUS:]

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.



You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.



[CHORUS]



I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on

The ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down"





Its how i feel about my depression. It's never far from my mind, it's never far from me. It just takes a back seat for a while waiting for an opening to come in and turn out all of the lights in my head and my heart and fill the darkness with the chant," youre not good enough. no one wants or loves you. you are too odd and you will always be alone. you'll always be sad. You'll always have me here to bring you back down.





Sometimes i get down so much i think.........whats the point of getting up..... what is the point. I always fall. i always ache and i always hurt.



I dont tell anyone because i feel they wouldnt know what to do, they would judge me and not really understand just how painful it is to be this sad and how hard it is to find a reason to get up in the morning.



so why burden them.....



you may not know how i feel. But at least know i know how you feel and you are not alone......

Sad but you know better than anyone else that life goes on and all you can do it keep a smile until better days come.

I dont know you or your dates so I cant really comment whether you are doing something fundamentally wrong when you date etc but theres one things you defenetly go wrong with.

You tried so hard to understand what other people expect from you whether its sex on the first date or after. Stop acting by what you think they want and do as you want. Atleast this way if it doesnt work out you know thats what you wanted to do. If you want sex on the first date then have fun with it. If you want to keep it for later then so be it. All that matters is that you make your own choices and stand by them.

Im sure that you will find someone one day sooner or later.