Lonely and Trying Accept It
Everyone gets lonely. But then they eventually get over it. I've never been over it. I'm basicaly normal. I mean, as normal as any of us can be, right? I'm 31, no medical issues, seemingly happy and always friendly. I'm the person in the office always making people laugh and keeping things light and fun. But underneath I'm just wondering why no one tries to make me laugh.
Growing up I always felt out of place in my family. I was very outgoing, loud, love attention. No one in my family is like that and it was obvious. I have an older sister so being the baby I'm supposed to have all the attention, right? Wrong. I love my sister but she has always had major life events going on, one right after the other. Any great accomplishment I ever had growing up was always overshadowed by something "tragic" in my sister's life. So I just accepted that nothing I did would ever be enough to gain the attention of my family.
I went to college and truely felt alone from my family. I would go home for breaks but I was like a stranger there. No one ever came to visit me in college, never called. I knew I had officialy grown apart from my family. So I drew closer to my friends and made some really good ones.
But I never met anyone I really felt close to. Going through my 20's I dated, lost old friends and made new ones. I get up in the morning and put on my happy face and try to make other people's day better. But at the end of my day I'm still at home alone.
I think I push people away, the older I get. I just don't want to put myself through another failed friendship or relationship.
Relationships are tough. I'm not a drunk, horny college student..anymore. hahaha
And so much of the relationship tends to be based on the physical aspect. A few years ago I didn't have any problem getting physical early on, first date even. And then when you never hear from him again..it hurts.
Turns out, the same thing can happen when you don't get physical. I dated someone recently where on the 3rd date I decided not to go to bed with him...thinking all the while I made the right decision. If this was going somewhere I should be smart about it..and was under the impression he agreed and respected that. Boy was I wrong. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I'm only 31 but I can't bear the thought of continuing to try to find someone. I used to be so resilient and could bounce back from anything. But I'm human and can only take so many blows to my pride.
So I spend my days and nights trying to figure out how to make it through the rest of my life smiling and entertaining everyone else...while coming home to my empty house.