It's All a Big Nothing.

Every day is exactly the same. My routine from week to week never changes. I wake up at the same time and follow the exact same procedures to get ready for work. Work is usually different. My tasks and location vary a lot, but each day at work is equally as dissatisfying as the last. I try to avoid as many conversations as I can with my co-workers. I come home and smoke a cigarette, some times go to the gym, watch tv and mess around on the internet, and then procrastinate going to sleep because the sooner I lose consciousness in slumber, the sooner the next day will begin.

I look forward to the weekend. I get home from work and mess around for a while. Then, I go to my neighborhood bar and co-miserate with the other alcoholics until last call. I wake up hung over on Saturday and by the time 9 or 10 o'clock rolls around, I go back to the bar and sit with the same people and usually talk about the same things. We can never remember if we've talked about the subject before because our memories are so badly damaged by the years of booze. Some of us are worse than others. There really is no "us" however. Each is individually an isolated and pathetic individual. We have no connection to one another except the fact that we want to have some type of human contact in our lives, whether it be from another undesirable such as ourselves or otherwise. These people are merely distractions from the loneliness and inevitable downward spiral which is my life.

Every time the bell rings that signals the bar door opened, I crane my neck around to see who has stepped into my slow, smoky place. Usually, it's some group of new smiling faces, caught up in their friendships and optimistic thoughts. I don't resent them. Sometimes, I wish I was one of them. It's not for me. I see the worst in everything, only the death, only the lies, only the tiniest human weaknesses. Each person is severely flawed. No matter how happy and successful they appear to be, I can only see the putrid poison inside them.

By the time last call is getting nearer, I'm undoubtedly drunk and somewhat belligerent. I drive drunk about a mile to my empty house. I realize that it's always going to be like this. I may move to another city or get a different job, but in the end, it's just me, alone with my thoughts. The older I get, the further away from all of humanity I get. Every time I turn on the news, it reminds me how different I am from everyone else. The pundits' viewpoints always seem so absurd and outrageous. It makes me furious to think that this really is the world that I live in. It's so sad. And it just seems to be getting worse. I'm geared up to simply wither away to nothing for the rest of my life. Alone.

uyis uyis
3 Responses Sep 7, 2009

sounds a lot like my "life", except i've decided to stay away from alcohol and other drugs as they just make me feel worse. it's all a big nothing. unless you have friends, family, a job you enjoy, a special someone or kids then your life is meaningless and empty. i look around at people and see them have exactly what i want but i fear i've thrown away too many chances and now i'm to spend my days being reminded of what i've thrown away over the years. i'm too much of a coward to take my own life, which is exactly what i want, to not have to get up tomorrow, to die in my sleep. but that's not going to happen, i have to pay for my sins for the next 50+ years by going through this daily grind.

Scarllettt, this idea has crossed my mind before. I call it the "box theory"...people are essentially alone in their individual houses or apartments longing to be with others and they don't realize that another lonely person is right next to them in the next box. Even if that's the case, I never seem to cross paths with anyone as pathetic or isolated as myself. I feel like I hide it well.

You are not different from everyone else. I feel your pain and it is real. Please do not feel alone and please believe things are not guaranteed to remain so hopeless. I battle depression and lonliness all the time, but the one thing I have learned is that millions do..We, and you are not alone. Hang in there. (hugs(