Here's a Group That Has My Name Written All Over It.
I am lonely soooo lonely, I am in a crowd of people kind of lonely.
Today is a beautiful, nay idyllic day outside, 2 weeks ago it was still an overcast and cold winter great weather for being indoors and an even greater justification for not being around people. Comfort food, vids and the occasional beer and Xbox ... it fills the void.
However today is so different, all the cliches abound, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and happy people on the adjacent terraces share wine, music and laughter. The cheap double glazing fails completely to filter out their obvious happiness to be enjoying, not only the day but there own company. Should I spray them with the hose I wonder ???? No I shouldn't, I shouldn't feel jealous at anothers good fortune.
Once the green monster of envy is securely placed back in its box, then again I am alone with the ever familiar loneliness. Loneliness is a curse .. feared by others as if it might be contagious. Just once I'd like to be able to tell the truth about why I would like to meet people ... the basic truth being I am lonely, having some friends or perhaps even (heaven forbid) a partner would pretty much clear that problem up.
Alas instead I spend the majority of my time alone, wishing, plain not understanding how I ended up in this place. I had friends once, lots of them, too many to keep up with, I had wife once, I had a fiance later. Then almost overnight *poof* like a pleasant dream that you resist awakening from, all have vanished.
I often try to re-connect with the new and the old, most friends have got married, moved away or just plain vanished. I go on those dating sites, and dutifully go to 3 coffee dates a week all chipper full of wit and presenting only the positives about myself, but its always the same, the ones who are not blood curdlingly insane, without exception tell me 'lets be friends'. This lasts for about 2 weeks after which some Porsche driving Adonis with the name Fernando sweeps them off their feet and I am forgotten or too inconvenient.
People are fond of the saying "You'll meet some-one when your not looking". This is absolute rubbish actually, as if wandering around in an ignorant daze will somehow cause the 'near' perfect woman to suddenly drop from the trees above and declare .. I am here ... I am just for you ... the things people say without thinking it through. Perhaps if I were vivacious women or actor/model/poet this could happen, but for a middle aged, non-descript white man ... it just does not happen. Once whilst sitting alone replete with pizza, ice-cream and a whole season of Dexter to watch, my mind wandered to that thought, I realized no-one was going to come and knock on my door, then to my surprise there was knock at the door, and who should be there but an blisteringly attractive blond woman. I actually was speechless. Turns out she was off to a party and had got off on the wrong floor. I can only imagine her thoughts as she hopped back in the elevator .. *cringes* gawd who was that creepy old guy with pizza sauce all over his face staring at me blankly ...
I wish EP was not a global catchall putting people from opposite ends of the earth in contact, there are some nice people I chat with on here and right now I wish just one of them was close enough to give me a real life bona-fide hug. And tell me sweet lies about how it will all be better tomorrow.