I Am Lonely
I am so incredibly desperately lonely. My husband is my best friend. I've got wonderful kids who are doing public school at home, so there are always people around who need me. I volunteer. I attend church. But I am so incredibly lonely.
I have no connection to anyone at church. If our family stopped going I honestly don't think anyone would notice. "We miss you in the choir" doesn't mean anything more than "the choir needed your voice". It's not missing ME, is it?
I have no connection to anyone I volunteer with either, primarily because their lives revolve around the local schools and the local community/school sports. Sure, we do a job that brings us together once or twice a month but that's it. They all know each other from more than one circle; everyone knows someone except I don't know anyone and apparantly am not worth knowing.
If I take a class, everyone else is there with a friend. I'm the only solo. I learn the skill and don't meet anyone. If I ask questions I'm nosey and if I talk about myself I'm boorish. I don't like sports and when I try to learn to appreciate them I get laughed at. I don't like television, except the educational stuff that only 'old people' enjoy.
My husband doesn't get it that I am so alone. He goes to work, he comes home. Twice a month or thereabouts, he gets to hang out with his buddies. That's all he wants. When I get my time off, I hang out by myself. I go to the coffee shop or library and read. I love my family, and I don't want to seem like I hate spending time with them because I don't. But I've got one friend who is also busy with her family and really doesn't have time to just get together. Would anybody notice if I dropped off the planet? I mean anybody who just happens to like me, not anybody whose needs I meet day in day out. Would anybody care because they really missed me, or would it only be because they missed having clean socks and regular meals?
Am I worth the air I breathe? And how can I be interesting if nobody is interested? Do I have to pretend to like the same things everyone else does just so people will talk to me? Lie to have friends?
