I Am Lonely
I'm in a loveless marriage , well I don't know if I would call it loveless? Certainly there is some amount of love there, or caring.. or maybe it's all just habit. I'm confused. maybe I'm just so mentally beat down I don't know what normal is. I've been with my husband from right out of high school and here I am 20 years later with him, married and lonely. It's not just my marriage, my friends don't talk to me much because my husband is so controlling. I am unemployed, no car, no money and as of last week, no phone. The only reason I have internet is because it's part of a cable deal but I'm sure that will be the next to go. I feel like I have no control over anything. I used to have a good job, I leased a nice car, saw my friends more but now.. It's a dark chapter in my life. I feel like maybe it's the last. Most of my family dead, I have a few siblings but they have their own lives you know. My sister seems like she wants to get closer but I'm so controlled I don't want to confide in her or for her to know. I'm not one to ask for help anyway. Maybe I'm just crazy, like my husband says. Did I forget to mention I'm also in a sexless marriage? Not that I would want to resume relations with that demon anyway, but sex is natural and I do miss it as an aspect of my life. So I wait for him to go to bed at night and I cry. A lot sometimes. Because life doesn't feel the way I THINK it should. This all just feels wrong and I don't know what to do, where to go or how to change it. So that's me, lonely fuzzynature.
