Am I Lonely? I Have No Friends
Am I lonely? Sure I am but I don't necessarily feel it. While many people have one or two friends, I have absolutely zero. I have no friends and haven't since I was 18 or 19 when I had one "friend" in high school. I eventually sabotaged the "friendship" because I perceived him to be using me. Yeah, I offer to do stuff for him or pay for things and he is using me? I was the one who offered to drive him places and do other things.
I am definitely not a people person and I very rarely leave the space that I live in. I am shy, quiet and never talk to strangers. I so envy people who are unafraid to approach people they do not know. I do not have any friends IRL or even online. But am I lonely? When I see either men and woman or groups of friends having fun, I do get sad that I never had and can never have what they have. However, being 36 years old now, I really don't dwell on what friendships and relationships others have.
Would I be happy if my life ended tomorrow? Absolutely. I would love to die but I am to much of a coward to ever do anything to end my own life. I've thought numerous times of possibly jumping off a building or driving a vehicle into a tree at a high rate of speed. But it always comes back to my fear of pain and failure to accomplish the goal.
I was a heavy smoker and seriously hoped to develop cancer from it. If I did develop cancer, I would voluntarily not receive treatment and would let it slowly, painfully kill me. However, 5 months ago I quit smoking (although now I smoke 3 to 5 cigs a day). I am also very overweight (350 lbs now, down from 392lbs). I am working hard to lose another 150lbs to get down to 200lbs. And yet I don't know why I bother. I will always be ugly.
I am a high school dropout and a real bore with no personality. I CAN NOT work with people. Most likely when the limited amount of savings runs out, I will turn to a life of petty crimes and be put in prison. While I won't enjoy it, it is what I will eventually have to deal with.
I have never dated or had a girlfriend. Personally, I think the saying "It is better to have loved than never to have loved at all" is bullshit. At least for me it is. Perhaps part of the reason I don't get really lonely is because it has been so long since I have had friends. And having never loved, I really don't know what I am missing.
I don't think I really know what any kind of love is. I don't even know whether I love my parents or brother or sister. I know I would miss them, especially my mother, because I depend so much on her, but is it love? I just don't know.
I realize that nobody can change my life but me, however, I am unwilling or unable to get the nerve and guts to do anything different. So many times I have thought of joining a cult so that I could be accepted by others.
Sadly, I know that I will do nothing to change my life. All I can do is wish a hope that death can come to me in the middle of the night and take me. I realize that I should be very lonely. Many people have at least people to hang out with, even if they are not close friends, but I have nothing. I never go to bars. I never go to concerts. And it is very rare that I ever go out in public.
I am so sorry for such a LONG rambling post that probably makes no sense.