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Am I Lonely? I Have No Friends

Am I lonely? Sure I am but I don't necessarily feel it. While many people have one or two friends, I have absolutely zero. I have no friends and haven't since I was 18 or 19 when I had one "friend" in high school. I eventually sabotaged the "friendship" because I perceived him to be using me. Yeah, I offer to do stuff for him or pay for things and he is using me? I was the one who offered to drive him places and do other things.

I am definitely not a people person and I very rarely leave the space that I live in. I am shy, quiet and never talk to strangers. I so envy people who are unafraid to approach people they do not know. I do not have any friends IRL or even online. But am I lonely? When I see either men and woman or groups of friends having fun, I do get sad that I never had and can never have what they have. However, being 36 years old now, I really don't dwell on what friendships and relationships others have.

Would I be happy if my life ended tomorrow? Absolutely. I would love to die but I am to much of a coward to ever do anything to end my own life. I've thought numerous times of possibly jumping off a building or driving a vehicle into a tree at a high rate of speed. But it always comes back to my fear of pain and failure to accomplish the goal.

I was a heavy smoker and seriously hoped to develop cancer from it. If I did develop cancer, I would voluntarily not receive treatment and would let it slowly, painfully kill me. However, 5 months ago I quit smoking (although now I smoke 3 to 5 cigs a day). I am also very overweight (350 lbs now, down from 392lbs). I am working hard to lose another 150lbs to get down to 200lbs. And yet I don't know why I bother. I will always be ugly.

I am a high school dropout and a real bore with no personality. I CAN NOT work with people. Most likely when the limited amount of savings runs out, I will turn to a life of petty crimes and be put in prison. While I won't enjoy it, it is what I will eventually have to deal with.

I have never dated or had a girlfriend. Personally, I think the saying "It is better to have loved than never to have loved at all" is bullshit. At least for me it is. Perhaps part of the reason I don't get really lonely is because it has been so long since I have had friends. And having never loved, I really don't know what I am missing.

I don't think I really know what any kind of love is. I don't even know whether I love my parents or brother or sister. I know I would miss them, especially my mother, because I depend so much on her, but is it love? I just don't know.

I realize that nobody can change my life but me, however, I am unwilling or unable to get the nerve and guts to do anything different. So many times I have thought of joining a cult so that I could be accepted by others.

Sadly, I know that I will do nothing to change my life. All I can do is wish a hope that death can come to me in the middle of the night and take me. I realize that I should be very lonely. Many people have at least people to hang out with, even if they are not close friends, but I have nothing. I never go to bars. I never go to concerts. And it is very rare that I ever go out in public.

I am so sorry for such a LONG rambling post that probably makes no sense.

socialdis socialdis 36-40, M 5 Responses Dec 1, 2009

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First of All If that is a picture of you your definitely not ugly. I have been there with those types of feeling that you are having..it's called depression. No I didnt go on medication.I pulled myself out of bed and walked out the door every morning. I dont have friends either because the last friend i had slept with my husband. yes I am married but still feel like I am totally alone because we dont do anything but sit at home while he takes off fishing.....not allowed to have any friends because then I am up to something bad. Please do not dig yourself a hole there is people out there who also need someone to hold out their hand to you. If you need a friend I would like to be that friend. Feel free to email me at allcurves67@yahoo.com if you still need a friend

Hi, <br />
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Wow you were really in a bad place when you posted this. Hopefully your outlook is a little bit better know that some time has passed.

Tbh I disagree with the other person who responded here that you're being too hard on yourself. It's the kind of motivational cr!p you hear on the net "you're beautiful, you will be loved, etc", while in real life, things just don't work that way. Go out of the house with that mentality when you're ugly and fat, and you're gonna be pissed on, again and again. That kind of rose-tinted garbage isn't real help, especially with a social anxiety disorder thrown in the mix.<br />
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One thing that keeps on coming up in your post is the lack of desire to do things. I've known the feeling you're describing, and I've had it for years and years. I've also seen it go away within a matter of literally weeks. While you have that feeling you think that nothing really excites you, that you know it all, and you know how you're going to feel, and that it won't particularly excite you, so you refrain from even starting to do it. It's admittedly hard to get out of the rut you're in, especially once one has been living and basking in that kind of mentality for years upon years. <br />
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I'd just like to point out that this kind of feeling isn't "akin to you", or "like you to feel that way", it's a feeling, a feeling that can easily be eradicated if you'd just make that one step and see a psychiatrist, he'll give you anti-depressants. Funnily enough most people who feel depressed don't see out help for the same reason you don't, they feel that it's their personality, they see their current state as the way they always feel, just by being natural and themselves, and don't believe (nor can imagine) that this feeling could ever go away. That's a false assumption, it's not "fate" or a "bad hand at life", it's a disease. a DISEASE. You need to seek help to cure it. And I mean NEED.<br />
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That in combination with seeing a psychologist would work wonders in your case. Eff the person you saw in high school, that was decades ago for you, you've changed since then (yes, you have!), science has changed since then, and most importantly, don't expect a miracle cure, I think you need to see a psychologist for a prolonged (the PROLONGED part is important. Many people 'try it' for a week. It doesn't work in a week. Try half a year for starters) period of time to get rid of your social anxiety disorder. (Yes, it's treatable, regardless of how you may feel about it now). You'll learn to speak with someone else and eventually learn to be less apprehensive about it. It's a phobia, and like with other phobias, the rate of success is high, IF proffessional help is sought. <br />
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And don't go telling me "I don't want help" if you didn't, you wouldn't have written here. If you were as dead as you say you are emotionally, you would no longer even have that deep-down desire to have what you see many other people having. Use that part of yourself to get yourself to seek help. It sounds retarded and generic, but I does work. Also remember that there's really nothing you could tell yourself that would cause you to bring yourself out of this state, you need psychological therapy in combination with drug therapy. The drugs will remove the feeling of sluggishness and fear, and the psychologist will help you overcome your phobia. But it's important to realise that you need to take those steps, and that there's no easy way out of it for yourself.<br />
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And, contrary to what you think now, drugs ARE effective at reducing and eventually removing phobias. You have to face your fear for a short period of time to overcome it for ever. It's a challenge at the beginning, but the rewards that will come out of it for you by far trespass anything negative that could possibly come out of it for you.<br />
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I know it's a phobia, and phobias are generally irrational fears, I still think it's amusing though that someone in your situation in life, with nowhere left to fall would have a fear of rejection. I mean if you get rejected you still won't be any worse off than you are now, it's not like you have anything to lose, it seems to me. You have everything to gain, and nowhere left to fall. Some might call that situation a nightmare, and I think it's what most people live in fear of being. You've been there, hell, you live there. That should give you new energy to rev it up, really. The fact that you're not responding logically to your situation is another indicator of the fact that it's a phobia. (=irrational fear, high success rate when treated). Seek professional help, really.<br />
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M'kay? =)

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I don't think any therapist could help me. I could talk all day but the reality is that unless I take some kind of action to change my life, it will never change. However, I am so fearful of having to interact with people that most likely I will never change. <br />
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The last time I had a therapist was in High School and it really didn't help me. No matter what, I need to want to change and apparently I really don't. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love to change. I would but I am paralyzed with fear from making any attempts at interactions with people I do not already know. I have so many issue: low self-esteem, no self-confidence, fear of rejection, etc.

Seeing a therapist won't help as much as doing something yourselves. If you are not comfortable talking to strangers, force yourselves. Loneliness is like a quicksand, the more you think about it the more it will grow around you. Remember, no one has ever said they learnt social skills on the internet. I was just almost as lonely two months ago when I decided to change myself.
I'm a sixteen year old Indian, so our cases might be totally different but believe me, if you have decided for once that you HAVE to change, you can do it. I still like to be alone, but that loneliness is chosen, not forced. I couldn't talk to strangers either, especially girls but I changed it all. I changed the way I talk, stopped being condescending and grumpy and now I had a date 2 hours ago. The grass is much greener on this side, and the most important thing is, it is in your hands.
I hope my words would mean something to you. Good luck.

Wow, you are WAY too hard on yourself. As I say this I know I should take my own advice. All the bad voices in your head telling you horrible things about yourself. The trick is learning how to silence them or occupy your mind with something that takes your focus away from those awful feelings and things you tell yourself. They are not true. You sound very depressed and that isn't your fault as long as you want to get better. Speaking honestly about it is a good beginning. I have a therapist because I am bipolar I with major depression. I am on meds. I've had ECT. Believe me, I know those thoughts well and they are wrong. Keep writing and see if you can find a therapist. It may take some time to find the right one, but we all go through that. Once you find the right help, it is all worth the struggle.