I guess I've never really been very good at the whole relationships thing.  My entire high school dating experience consisted of one girl who I was with for one week...I got dropped once I introduced her to my friends...every one of which she went out with immediately after dumping me.  I couldn't figure out..and still can't...what I'm doing wrong.  Right out of high school I joined the Army.  I've been in ever since...and I love it, but while my career has progressed, my life at home has gone nowhere. 

Home..heh.  I use the term loosely.  My entire life for the last 11 years has been spent either on deployment or preparing for deployment.  Every time I leave and come back it is the same.  I go to the bus by my colleagues say good bye to their wives and children from my seat....and when we come back I spend a moment or two watching the hugs and tears of people meeting with their loved ones before I grab my bags and drive to my empty apartment to begin the whole thing over again.  Fact is that I've come to hate it here.  I feel more at home sleeping on the concrete floor of a rural schoolhouse in Al Anbar, Iraq than I do in my own country. 

I had a friend that was severely injured while we were there and his wife flew to Walter Reed and never left his side through the surgeries and the physical therapy...months.  I lucky is he?  Not that he got injured, but that he has that support from someone who loves him.  It made me think..would anyone have visited me?  Even for a little while?  Not likely.  When I got back to my hometown I found out that noone even knew that I had left.  How does someone vanish into thin air for 2 years and not a single person notices? 

I just so badly want something that actually makes this place home to me instead of just a place where I spend time and store my crap.  I've tried dating...frankly, nothing has changed.  I'm that guy...that guy that everyone likes, but nobody wants.  The perpetual friend.  The guy who gets pulled in during a crisis and when the crisis is over is dismissed and forgotten about.  It's gotten to the point that I get straight pissed when I get the "friend speech", because frankly, in spite of how lonely I am, I'd rather be alone than "just a friend".  

I want to leave again.  Go away to Afghanistan and not come back this time...but I can't.  My injuries from my previous deployments have finally caught up with me and the Army won't sent me anymore.  So, I'm still alone...unless you count all the "friends" that I don't want...disabled...and the only thing in my life that made me feel needed and, well, alive, is no longer an option.  FML.

Rusty80 Rusty80
26-30, M
5 Responses Jan 7, 2010

Well Rusty80, we are just as bad as each other hey... If only we could wish upon a star and we would be right ! If only..... I don't get on with any relationships at all cause everything stuffs up. So I live and hope that maybe one day God will listen to my prayers in that situation, ha ha the problem is he is trying to help me with the rest of stuff I gave him years ago...<br />
We can keep in touch and have a laugh together, and I will put you in my prayers as well and we will see who gets a fantastic relationship first... Is that a deal. cheers fron Adelaide ,Australia'

I hope that 2010 is a better year for you. You seem to be a very sensitive man. I know how you're feeling because in the past I felt like that. Sometimes it feels like the loneliness eats you, like there's nothing else for you... but it's not like that. Snap out of it. Stop thinking about loneliness, about the things you miss, about being alone and "forgettable". You aren't you just need to focus on different things. Change your routine. Find an interesting project, activity, hobby. Go to the gym. Write. Paint. Make the place where you live your home. Smile, even when you don't feel like it. That'll help you feel better. The better you feel with yourself, the better your relationships will be. <br />
My best wishes for you!!<br />
I hope that 2010 is a wonderful year for you! Make it a great year!<br />
Good luck!

ive read ur story rusty thats so sad there r ppl out there somewhere that do care im one of them its a terrible thing lonliness and my heart goes out to u<br />
i agree keep ur chin up keep smiling dont let it get u down be positive rusty u have to get urself steem back<br />
good luck mate i will be a friend who cares ok<br />
i have a daughter she has had bf s that use her etc shes not happy always depressed and shes 20 <br />
if u ever want to chat i m here

I see so many of the other young ladies at my church have husbands, and even children of their own, and I wonder when it'll be my turn... I guess in that way, I sometimes feel forgotten myself.<br />
<br />
I know it's not quite the same as what you're going through, but I'm just saying it's painful being in this sort of valley experience.

Your story is very telling in the area of your character. I don't know how your life happened to pan out as it has. I wonder that about myself. I really think that it is often just chance. I hope that is the case. I would hate to think anyone arranges the events in their life to be unhappy. I hate it that you feel alone in the world. I feel that way too but their are people around me that i feel unattached to. That is a very lonely feeling as well. Take care of yourself. I will check back on you soon.