ForgottenI guess I've never really been very good at the whole relationships thing. My entire high school dating experience consisted of one girl who I was with for one week...I got dropped once I introduced her to my friends...every one of which she went out with immediately after dumping me. I couldn't figure out..and still can't...what I'm doing wrong. Right out of high school I joined the Army. I've been in ever since...and I love it, but while my career has progressed, my life at home has gone nowhere.
Home..heh. I use the term loosely. My entire life for the last 11 years has been spent either on deployment or preparing for deployment. Every time I leave and come back it is the same. I go to the bus by myself...watch my colleagues say good bye to their wives and children from my seat....and when we come back I spend a moment or two watching the hugs and tears of people meeting with their loved ones before I grab my bags and drive to my empty apartment to begin the whole thing over again. Fact is that I've come to hate it here. I feel more at home sleeping on the concrete floor of a rural schoolhouse in Al Anbar, Iraq than I do in my own country.
I had a friend that was severely injured while we were there and his wife flew to Walter Reed and never left his side through the surgeries and the physical therapy...months. I thought..how lucky is he? Not that he got injured, but that he has that support from someone who loves him. It made me think..would anyone have visited me? Even for a little while? Not likely. When I got back to my hometown I found out that noone even knew that I had left. How does someone vanish into thin air for 2 years and not a single person notices?
I just so badly want something that actually makes this place home to me instead of just a place where I spend time and store my crap. I've tried dating...frankly, nothing has changed. I'm that guy...that guy that everyone likes, but nobody wants. The perpetual friend. The guy who gets pulled in during a crisis and when the crisis is over is dismissed and forgotten about. It's gotten to the point that I get straight pissed when I get the "friend speech", because frankly, in spite of how lonely I am, I'd rather be alone than "just a friend".
I want to leave again. Go away to Afghanistan and not come back this time...but I can't. My injuries from my previous deployments have finally caught up with me and the Army won't sent me anymore. So, I'm still alone...unless you count all the "friends" that I don't want...disabled...and the only thing in my life that made me feel needed and, well, alive, is no longer an option. FML.