Just One Chance

I have been sitting here staring at this box for about 5 minutes now. The emotions I feel about being lonely run so deep and I'm not really sure where to begin. I suppose I should start with being a lonely little girl who no one understood. If any of you have read my story about trust issues, then you know I had a traumatic brain injury when I was very young. What is not often understood about brain injuries by most people is that they change who we as individuals are, how we react to people and situations, how we perceive things, how we interact with the world around us.

Imagine that your thoughts were like the pieces of a puzzle. To get from one point to the next you have to have the pieces in the correct order. Now imagine that the puzzle has been torn apart and thrown up into the air and you have to blindly grab the pieces as they fall in order to get from one point to the next. That is what it's like for me. I have lived inside my mind all my life. Very few have been able to enter this maze to understand it. As a girl I always felt alone, even in a room full of people. I did not understand the way other children acted and was often ignored or picked on because I was different. I was one of those kids who actually minded my parents and teachers and caught all kinds of trouble from the other kids because of it. I could not understand why kids could be so cruel (lol, I still have a problem with that!). At school I was silent much of the time and hated to be called upon to answer some question because I was scared silly to talk in front of the entire class. MY, my , have I changed!

At home things were not much better. I had a mother who yelled all the time and a father I was terrified of. When something was wrong and I was sad or depressed there were many times I did not know why. I had no one to talk to so I dealt with it alone and often scared. I can remember sitting against the wall in my room crying because I did not know what was wrong with me. I knew I was different, but didn't know how or why. I was always in trouble at home, usually because I forgot to do something or was clumsy and broke or spilled something. I tried so hard to do what was expected of me only to fail time and time again. It took 30 plus years before the doctors figured out I had this brain injury, so I spent almost my entire life locked in a maze of confusion and fear with no one to help me. I had very poor social skills and had a very hard time making friends so I was always the kid who was standing by the wall while the other kids played. I have been lonely for a very long time.

In 2004 I was diagnosed with this brain injury and a kind of freedom filled my spirit. I now had the answers that I had looked for all my life. I had the answer to the question, but not the solution to the problem. I still have trouble socializing, but most people don't see it that way. I have had friends tell me that when they first met me they didn't like me because I seemed to think I was better than anyone else, or that I was stuffy and aloof. Once they got to know me they realized that I wasn't really like that at all. It is a very rare person who does not judge someone on a first impression and that is what most people judged me by. Problem is, first impressions are not always correct, especially with me. I am a very caring person and would do anything I could to help someone, or just be there to listen if that is what was needed, but people usually don't know that about me.

I live in this world that is cut off from the rest of the world. My mind. My thoughts, feelings, experiences, hardships, and so forth are mostly hidden because I don't know how to get who I am outside of my mind and unless a person is patient, and takes the time to get to know me, I remain hidden from them.

It's very lonely to be intelligent but not be able to socialize well. It's very lonely to be me and wonder why. It's lonely to be at a special function or a party and not be able to strike up a conversation with people I  don't know. LOL, but here I am telling you my worst nightmare and wondering how many of you will judge me as not worthy or unintelligent? I wonder just what it is that I will get out of this, and then I realize that it doesn't really matter because if my story can help just one other person have just one chance to be accepted for who they are despite their flaws, then it will be worth it.

MorningEcho MorningEcho
41-45, F
2 Responses Feb 7, 2010

You seem a very sensitive, caring and genuine person to me morningecho. I can totally relate to <br />
your experiences at school, as I was typically that very same person who would be 'the loner' in the corner, very quite and I was bullied throughout all my year's of schooling from very young all the way up to high school/college-regardless of reacting and literally fighting back. Regarding respect and understanding -mainly at school - it's the toughest place to acquire this in my personal opinion.<br />
No matter what anyone's health, physical or mental ailments are abilities are - as long your true to yourself, true in your heart and stay determined in your passions in life - such as placing your story on experience project-that's all that matters. Plus now that you know that I can relate and empathise with you, you can contact me on here now too. So there is no longer a reason to be lonely, you have people on your side - you are not alone!

After reading this, I do not look at you in a bad light. I find you as a very sweet woman who just needs to be understood. Minus the brain injury, I can totally relate to everything you said. I feel the same way. All of my friends told me when they first met me that they didn't like me either. It really does suck to feel alone in a crowded room. I wish we could meet in person. We could become great friends! :)