Third Year's The Charm

I recently had a break up with my boyfriend. We were together three years and four months. I love him. I want to be with him. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. He still cares for me, but is swiftly on his way to getting over me. He is dating a new girl. She is beautiful, sweet, athletic, etc. I am jealous. I hate that I miss him. I hate that everyone feels I should just get over it. I hate that I am jealous. I hate that I am so pathetic right now. I hate that I have no one to talk about this with. I hate that I can't sleep at night. I hate that I have no motivation to do anything. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that I feel younger than ever. I hate that I don't know what's going to happen to me. I hate that I am afraid that I'll never be with him again. I hate the fear, and the sadness, and the apathy, and the jealousy, and the loneliness. I hate that I have to force myself NOT to call him, NOT to text him, NOT to talk to him online. I hate that I lost more than a boyfriend, but my best friend. I hate that I lost my confidante. I hate that I lost the man I trusted most. I hate that I lost a man who never criticized or pressured, only encouraged. I hate that I have to remind myself that I don't need him, even when it feels like I do most of the time. I hate that I miss him. I miss seeing him. I miss his smile, and his laugh, and the feel of his hands on me, and the look of desire in his eyes for me alone. I miss his lips, and his voice when he sings me to sleep at night. I miss kissing him. I miss touching him. I miss making love with him. I miss crying to him. I miss being held and comforted. I miss talking to him. I hate that everything reminds me of him. I hate that he doesn't think of me, or miss me, or want me. Because he's all I think of. Because missing him is so hard. Because wanting him is even harder. The thought of his lips on another woman drives me crazy. I hate it. I hate it! I'm angry at him even though he hasn't done anything wrong. I'm just angry. And so hurt. and so hurt I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. It takes every ounce of self control not to talk to him. Every day is so hard. The nights are even harder. I don't know what the next step is. I don't know how to get over him when he's so entangled in my life after so many years. I wanted to be his wife. More than anything, I wanted that. I wanted to give him children someday. We both want children so bad. I wanted to be there for him. Always. I hate that I still have hope. That every time I get so sad I can't bear it, I remind myself that maybe someday months or years from now...I hate hoping. I just want to be with the man I love and just love him. That's all I want. My heart is breaking. My heart is broken. Does he know? Does he care? Does he think of me? Does he cry about me? No, No, No, No. He loves me as a sister and as a dear friend. And he cares when I cry. He'd do anything for me. And for now, I'll savor that. Because I don't know how long it will last. My eyes are crying, my heart is throbbing, my mind is racing...Dear God, if you're there, please send me peace. 

sohippiechick sohippiechick
1 Response Feb 10, 2010

my god, i thought i was alone in this! I cried readingthis because it is exactly how I feel. Word for word. I thought i was the only one. I miss my ex everyday and hes dating a new girl too and hasnt thought about me once. Ifeel like a jackass, to say the least. I'm tired of crying everyday, and missing him constantly. I feel insane. And I'm sick of ppl telling me get over it. I know they care, but they will never understand how I feel. I hate feeling this way. Sometimes I feel like it will never go away, which has proven to be true so far. I would love to talk to someone else who gets it, so let me know if you would like to! P.S. I'm sorry you feel this way. I would never wish this pain on anyone, not even him :(