Waves Across Sea.....

Like the eternal current, even included included in a greater scheme, I continue to feel like the a wave that continually reaches shore, but is always pulled back under. I feel I may have been noticed momentarily by those in direct proximity only to be sucked back into a mass of invisibility. Shy through childhood and young adulthood, I later found some measure of notice through my sense of humor. I love to laugh, tell jokes, write comic articles only then realizing I am only included for short times, always retreating back into my personal "black hole" -alone again! I now live alone in a state far from my my friends, no relatives nearby and only hear from one Aunt since the death of my Mom and best friend {Bichon- died recently after surviving nearly 2 decades} Only hear from "bro" once every several months. No help that I inherited genetic illnesses not apparent until teens on. Lost ability to drive @ 21/2 yrs. ago. That put the icing on the cake as far as finding friends and exploring horizons. Laughter is also used as a defense mechanism. Nobody wants to maintain a friendship with a persom to whom nothing is new, have heard no new gret jokes or have interesting escapades to share, certainly not hosp. or MD. visits. I have to admit that my health has kept me from many things, fate or a plan to which I have not been made aware has assisted in kicking me back down everytime I try to rise- like the phoenix from the ashes. Alone is bad but alone in a crowded room is overpowerring! I hope someone understands what I'm trying to say. I am new and this is the first group I have attempted to join. Does anybody hear me? Hope springs eternal!                        


lone1 lone1
51-55, F
3 Responses Feb 12, 2010

What a beautiful comment from such a loving person. I know you mean that with your heart as you also have your difficulties. People need each other, that is how we survive through life. It is not a journey meant to be traveled alone. What a sweet heart you have, anyone would gladly welcome you into their life!

That is the biggest problem. No one beleives you, wants to hear about, be told about it. They prefer to pretend it does not exist. Since there is a plethora of illnesses which do not manifest themself outwardly, even the medical field is hard put at times to extend any form of sympathy, empathy in my experience is rare, on either side , medical or societal. That is why many are regarded as "orphan" diseases and as a result hard pressed to be researched. Raising funds is nearly impossible. Even heavily prevalent disease a few yrs. ago was under-studied or diagnosed. ie. female cardiac disease and hypertension. Women were readily dismissed as depressed or bored! Outcome = unnecessary deaths in large numbers.

I totally understand what you mean when you say, you feel alone in a crowded room. I have always been shy my whole life. I'm not as shy now, but for some reason I still have a hard time clicking with pepole and making friends. It is so discouraging to go through life without a best friend, or even without an ok friend. The few best friends I had stabbed me hard in the back for reasons I still do not understand. I will be less trusting with friends from now on. I think the general population does not understand illness of any kind (besides the once a year "cold") . They don't understand it, so they flee from it. I think it's alien to them and they are repulsed by it. I think people have an easier time dealing with friends who have cancer than a friend who has an internal disease that is not physically noticeable. Which is quite sad. You would think someone that loved you would try to understand or research it to help you more. That is the only reasons I can come up with. All of know is that people who are always sick don't have a lot of friends...