Hopeless

I have never had a girlfriend. I have never kissed a girl. My mother raised me in such a way the shelter me from the pain and heartbreak of relationships which she experienced. To be more specific, having a girlfriend wasn't going to happen.

I'm lost now. I have no idea what to do or what to say to girls. I'm basically afraid of girls. I'm afraid to kiss a girl and watch her leave. Kissing a girl means the world to me now. An unattainable impossible dream. I used to think about it a lot more as a teenager. Now I'm just getting older and older as time passes me by. Advised by friends and strangers to experience life. To get off my computer and go out. But I can't. If I decide that kissing is no big deal and just get it over with I feel as if some of that magic is gone.

I'm afraid. Afraid I'll affect someone else's life negatively. That I have absolutely nothing to contribute. The person I hate the most is myself. Though sometimes I'll love myself to death as well. My confidence is low mostly, but sometimes high. I'm wavering constantly.

I have felt that a lack of relationships has made me not grow up and mature like everyone else. At times I feel like I'm still 14. Though I know I'm more mature in other ways. I had mixed up maturity with following the rules and being quiet in class. In reality I was the most immature of everyone. I didn't ever feel like I was a stupid foolish kid in high school.

I'm lonely. I'm lying in bed. Wishing I had someone to hold on to. I feel desperate, but I don't just want anyone. I just want a best friend who is a girl. And I feel like I've been waiting way too long. It brings me sadness often. No one to hug tightly. I haven't told my parents I love them since I was a child. That's just how emotionally immature I am. I can't do it. It's not the way I was raised.

Love. I cringe at the word when thinking about family.

Love. I want to love someone. Someone real. I'm a very religious person and I hate it deep down inside. Which seems to be quite a disadvantage in today's world. I look like a lunatic to people. I actually follow rules. I'm Catholic, so there's a lot of rules and it's very strict. It's been programmed into me. I cannot change. I'm a virgin until marriage. I cannot use contraceptives ever. I must raise my children Catholic. There is no such thing as a divorce in my religion (an annulment, yes but not a divorce). There is no female out there that dedicated. I am of a dying breed. Religion is not popular. Being a virgin is not popular. Believing in God is fading and starting to be looked down upon. Tragedies in the church involving children and priests have left unerasable stigmas. I am hated.

Video games used to be my life. I was a very stable person when they were the center of my life.

I can't. I'm afraid that people won't like me. I don't know who I am and I can't tell people who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I'm existing in a shell. No one will know I was ever alive.

I want to affect people's lives positively or be a ghost that never existed.

I want to say that I'm strong enough to take it. But I feel sad.

But I feel happy it's just somedays I feel sad. And I don't think people should be happy all the time anyway. But that's going off on a tangent.

I look away from girls when I make eye contact. I have nothing to offer. I look younger than my age. I can't get involved with 16 year olds. Girls my age aren't virgins. I feel that I waited, there has to be someone out there that waited for me...I'm filled with despair as I realize I'm only dreaming. I'll dream to the day I die. Always alone.

I'm ****** up. I feel like a monster. I wish I looked like one physically, then people would understand me better. What do they think of me as I pass them in the mall?

I hate myself and I do not have the personality, humor, energy, intelligence, or whatever to have a girlfriend or to get close to anybody.

I envy those who can cry on a friends shoulder. I've always tried to be strong. It's shredding me inside. I'm always fighting and waging wars inside my mind. I tell myself it makes me stronger. I think I'm just getting sadder.

I'm afraid to let people depend on me. I don't want to let people down. I don't want to say the wrong things. I know nothing.

I have said how I feel. I'm usually a logical person, I think. I just...tired of fighting myself. And I'm lonely.

wavering wavering
22-25, M
3 Responses Feb 14, 2010

@missyfin No my wife doesn't have to be a virgin, but I think it would be special if she were. Both my parents were and my dad's first kiss was to my mom when he was in his late 20's.<br />
Dating websites feels like I'm shopping for women. I don't know...everyone seems happy and perfect on those websites. I feel like I wouldn't be helping their lives. I have absolutely no experience in having relationships; I can't handle it.<br />
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@Internalstruggle Thank you. I definitely feel less lonely already.<br />
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Thank you both.

wavering............thank you so much for being as open and honest as you have. Its has helped me realize a little more that im not alone with the intense battle going on in my head. Even though its over different things i really believe that the inner struggle at its root is the same............As for still being a virgin.........i honestly and whole heartedly think that is amazing (i wish i could say that i was still)....You have alot of strength to not have given in to the flesh. Having sex does nothing more then add confusion to life and relationships not to mention can cause alot of problems......

Does your wife also have to be a virgin? That's interesting. I was born Catholic but never really lived it, so there's a lot I don't know about it. <br />
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I'm a late-20s virgin myself (not for religious reasons, though) and yeah, it sucks, because everyone assumes there's something wrong with you. Because, you know. All the cool people put out for the first person who comes along, I guess. <br />
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It sucks being alone. I hope you find someone. Are there religious online dating sites? i know I get tons of spam for Christian singles sites, so there must be something out there.