Behind A Closed Door I Stand...

I don't even know where to begin... i stumbled on this site and found it comforting. Here i go...

I have a lot of people in my life on a daily basis being that one of my "friends" is my neighbor.  There are always people around and i'm finding myself isolating more and more emotionally in the presence of others... The truth is that none of them know what's really been going on inside my head. Fear has prevented me from opening up. Deep down inside i feel so empty and alone. I honestly don't think that anyone really knows the " real me" i hide from everyone.  Im so scared to let people in out of fear that they wont like me (as if that somehow makes me less of a person) or that they will use what i tell them against me... I've been running from feeling for so long using anything i can to stay out of my head. The things ive been using to mask the pain arent working anymore and they are causing me more pain and anguish...So here i stand, behind a closed door, scared as hell to open it and find out whats inside

Internalstruggle Internalstruggle
26-30, M
5 Responses Feb 14, 2010

This is going to sound insane, but... run around outside naked. Perferably when it's warmer. I don't mean to literally do that, but do something so outrageous even you can't believe you're doing it.<br />
I've felt like you have on occasion, and I've found that doing something spontainous (and usually stupid) gets people's attention. They want to talk to you, want to know what you were thinking. And giving the answer will be the hardest part. But really, if you already feel so alone, what have you got to lose from answering? It's deffinantly not the nicest advice ever given, but it seems that you're the type that needs to have the door burned down and be dragged out by your feet. An extreme situtation calls for an extreme solution. I'm sorry if this doesn't help you any.

i can relate. i have lots of people around me yet i feel alone bec i keep everything bottled up. it seems that the less i share things, the more overwhelming it all becomes.

It sounds like we are living the same life. I have always been active socially and I have come to realize that I have no idea who or what I am. I have put on this facade for so long and everything is so deep that even though I have a great support network, I feel so incredibly alone and unable to speak about anything. I've dealt with this for 24 years and I keep thinking I can keep doing it for another 24 years.<br />
<br />
Hopefully we can use this to help open up and make some steps towards some real progress.

Thank you laurelai.... It is comforting to know that im not alone in feeling like this. I find myself at times wanting to think that im special in that im the only one feeling this way/thinking like this and im realizing that its another way for me to further isolate myself. Its so easy for me to put on a fake smile and pretend that all is well when around others when i actually feel like im dying inside...i know that not everyone is going to hurt me i just wish that i could let them in

I struggle with the same type of fear. I am slowly trying to open up more and trust people, but it's very difficult and more often then not I keep my door closed and then people lose interest because I'm not sharing enough of myself. I wish I had some uplifting advice for you, but it comforts me to know that others share my concerns and hurts and I hope it will help you in some small way also. You're not alone.