A 20 Years Of Loneliness!

I have felt alone sine I was 5 years old. I know you may think "wow how could a 5  year old be lonely". Well my mother died from a heart attack and just 5 to 6 months later my father also died. My aunt (mothers side)took me in but treated me like I was just some extra money for her. I not abused in anyway. More like ignored. My mothers side of the family is not a family at all. I know people say that their families fake it for the holidays. Well our family used to fake it for the holidays but not anymore. I have been miss treat my entire life. Yet  I have never stirred down a terrible path. I have always been good to people and tryed to get my aunt to lov eme like she loved her son. But she never would. I have done everything to try to make her proud of me. To show her that I am somebody. I try to give her everything I can. But nothing works. I have no real blood sisters or brothers. My dads side of the family. Well they dont really know me. They tried when I was younger to get to know me but my aunt did not like that side of my family so that was hard. I spent alot of time in  my room growing up. Never really had alot of friends. As far as I can remember no matter where I was I always had 2 or 3 friends. but My aunt was in the military so they were always leaving me or I was leaving then. so making friends became harder and harder because one was leaving me. When I turned 16 I decided that I couldn't take anymore my aunts meanness and I ran away. I ran away to a friends house who's parents tookj me in at first. and then her and I started fighting and her dad begin to hate me. He started to treat me bad. This was the begining of my running and search for someone to love me. I am still doing that. Today I wrote my best friend an email I will share some of it with you.

" I am tired of being alone. I am so alone in this world. Everyone has someone except me. Yeah I cam always call you and talk to you but the truth is you are not there anymore. You have a new life and a husband. All friends have husbands , wives and/or kids. My family is ****** up.My mother and father are died. I dont have any brother or sisters that I know and my dads side of the family dont have time for me. I dont think you could begining to imagine how much it hurts and howw lonely it really feels. Yes I love myself and Y can do thing by myself but  to feel like you have no one... feel  line I am no alive. Like I am wondering this earth with no purpose... Like no one sees me at all..  But honestly what is the purpose of having anything, doing anything, or even living if you dont have anyone to share it with?

Ahbreeze Ahbreeze
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 16, 2010

Hi there, you mention always having '2 or 3 friends', are these people still around?..or is there anyone around - even your married friends?..Sure things are different when our friends get married and I can relate as I'm single too in a world, it seems, full of 'marrieds'! But it doesn't have to be the end of friendship completely..Listen, this might be hard to hear but I think because you had such a trauma at such a young age-your Mum and Dad dying, you almost 'expect' this to happen with everyone in your life. What I mean is, when this happens to a child - that they lose both parents very young, they do not fully develop their feelings around attachment (this is a professional opinion ok and you can mail me if you want more info) -to a child at that age, the overriding feeling is actually one of abandonment. And now this has, you feel, dogged you the rest of your life, e.g. your Aunt, your Mum's family, your Dad's family, your friend, your friends parents, your married friends.. What do you think of the notion 'we get what we put out there?' It might sound hackneyed and cliched but ultimately it's true, if we expect people to abandon us, they will. I hope this doesn't sound confusing or like this is anyone's 'fault' because it's not..I felt very sad for you reading your story, but I think the best thing for you would be to seek some counselling, it could really really help you if you can find the right therapist, one you're comfortable with and one who is willing and very able to look at your past and your present. Anyway, I could ramble on, but I just want to wish you well, hope you take my advice and if you want to email me, feel free, take care. Love to you. J