Numb

I am so lonely it’s painful. I try to look at the bright side of things, but sometimes I feel like my loneliness completely overwhelms me. I feel sad, abandoned and betrayed and I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. I’ve tried ignoring them but they keep coming back with a vengeance…stronger each time. I’m sick of waiting for something good to happen. It’s literally driving me crazy. Going through each day and seeing people who are completely undeserving of the relationships they are in makes me bitter. There are so many people out there who are completely ungrateful of what they have and yet it seems like everything just keeps falling into their laps. Is it true that nice people always finish last? I’d like to hope not, but life keeps shooing my hopes out the window. It’s a little ironic isn’t it, how whenever it feels like you need support the most is always during your darkest, loneliest hour? I don’t ever want to be lonely again, but it’s one of the few things in life I have no control over. I just want to erase the past three years of my life and try again. I wasted so much time on someone who wasn’t worthy of my love, and yet he got to walk away unscathed by it. Excuse my childishness, but it’s really not fair. I gave so much and I was willing to fight for it but apparently that wasn’t enough. Seriously, what is enough? I feel so resentful of how I’ve been taken advantage of that it will be a constant struggle for me to trust someone. I don’t want it to be that way, but if you’ve been in one relationship for three years…living together and making plans for marriage for it to just crumble out of the blue without solid reason, regardless of the fact that you were willing to fight for it…who’s to say that it won’t happen again? How can you believe the words “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” ever again when all that has ever been to you was an empty promise? My mind is a mess and my emotions have been destroyed. I just feel numb.

TwistedVixen TwistedVixen
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 20, 2010

I dont think u r numb,i think u r sad...and i wish u find peace in ur mind and someone to love n be loved..many hugs*

I can relate in some ways. I never lived with him, but my ex told me he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I did everything and anything for him, as he was not only my love but my best friend. Now he has a girlfriend and I guess he doesn't see the need to have me in his life anymore. I feel used and thrown away. And yet, I'm the one who misses him, ironically enough. It ****** me off really, knowing that I should be the one to not care and move on, and yet I find myself missing him everyday. And I also feel like I can never get so close to someone again, because it's always been hard for me to get close to people, and after this, I fear going down that road again. I just want to move on and be happy. I too have friends that are in great relationships and yet they are using their partner for sex or other selfish needs. And it makes me wonder, why can they find people chasing after them, and yet here I am with nothing but the best intentions, and more alone than ever? I wake up everyday wishing that something will change, that something will click in my head and I'll be able to say "hey, i'm alright. life isnt so bad afterall." I go to bed disappointed night after night. If you ever want to talk, I'm more than willing.

what a sad story... :(