Married And More Lonely Then I Have Ever Been

I have been married for 15 years and at least 8 have been without any intimacy at all!  I am not going to tell you that it is not my fault nor will I say that it is not hers.  The reality is that we are cohabitants (Like distant dorm roommates)  We share the room and the fridge and the kitchen sink... but NOTHING else.  We used to watch TV together but even that is gone.  We sleep in different rooms, we spend our time in different rooms, we eat together but that is about it. 

I believe very strongly that this is our problem and that I can't say that I have done enough (anything) about it.  I feel so lonely.  Many days I want to run out and start over.  But I am too much of a coward to do that.  I want to feel the passion again.  I am having trouble feeling like I want it with my wife.  I have been in Love (Infatuation?  I am so starved for connection, I don't feel like I know the difference) with a woman I know from work for 3 years.  I have never told anyone how I feel.  I will not cheat.  Cheating goes against my core values.  I spend hours a day wanting to tell anyone how lonely I am and how much I want to get closer with the woman from work.  I think that she feels similar (she is single and the most honorable person I have ever met.  She would lose all respect for me if I told her how I feel)  I feel trapped and too scared/ashamed at my own unwillingness to address the problems with my wife.

About my wife.  She is a very good person, she is dedicated to her children, to me and to her 501c3.  She has never given me reason to resent her beyond our mutual distance.  I don't want to hurt her.  Honestly, I want the cowards way out, (her to find a new love and tell me she wants out)  God I feel pathetic.

I am an honest person by value, I feel so afraid in this case because I know I have not done enough to try to make it better.    I just want to feel connected again.  In my heart, that connection is with the woman I adore at work. 

Sometimes I feel like I am going to be crushed by the weight of the loneliness.  Like I cant breathe.

I just don't know how to move in a right direction.

dadtwice dadtwice
1 Response Feb 22, 2010

It seems that you are not living your live, life is too short and you getting closer to the end every day. Don't waste your time, you born and die alone, in between you have to enjoy your life. It seems that you are more friends with your wife than husband and wife, she may feel the same. Just sit down with her and have a good discussion. I have the feeling you are staying with your wife by pity and scared of being alone. It doesn't make sense to stay with someone you don't love, and it doesn't mean if you guys divorced that it's gonna get worse maybe you would share more by getting divorced than being together.<br />
Good luck :))))