I Think People Don't Get Me...

I say that because the people I've been communicating with (I believe) don't take me seriously or must think I want attention.  I have been talking with a guy on MySpace for about 5 months now and he says he loves me and wants to spends his life with me...well after being by myself for 12 years it sounds good, but I'm a 33 year old woman,  I know I can't get all starry-eyed and lost in emotions.  I gotta keep my wits.  We have good conversations, which I enjoy and look forward too since I don't have any friends and my time is spent, right now on looking for work and taking care of my nephew.  I guess I did this to myself since I don't trust people because to me most people are wicked and have bad motives.  Well anyways we have been talking, yet in my heart I feel that God has other plans for me.  We talk alot, but I do bring up the Lord alot.  I like to talk about faith, dreams, visions...pretty much anything that I think can be traced back to God.  Well last night he said I reminded him of his father and I sounded like an extremist.  It broke my heart.  I mean we talk about other things like his music and music and the things we want out of life and how some people have treated us.  I mean we have and can talk for literally hours.  I was listening to this song, "I Hope You Dance" resong by Glady's Knight (LeeAnn Womack song) and I asked him to listen to it and just imagine God was singing it to him and he freakin calls me an extremist.  I mean I was just trying to give the little nazi some hope.  It really hurted my feelings..however he did apologize and I said its okay, I don't like to leave off on a bad note.  So tonight we're talking and he's saying all these beautiful things like how he felt bad about what he said the night before and how much he thinks I'm HIS angel and blah, blah, Blah!   I say that because a whole hour went by with all this good vibing and pretty words when he suddenly decides to tell me about this hussy that is "stalking" him on MySpace.  He goes on to say that she is wondering who I am and asking him is he in love with me?  I'm wondering why did you even bring her up?  Then I'm reminded about something he said the night before, that his album is about to drop and sooo many girls are after him.  So I question him, Are you trying to see if I'm gonna fight for you like that??  Is this some sick game you are playing??  What are you thinking?  Are you two humping?  Do you want to?  He said, He hasn't said anything to her and he was just telling me what was going on, BUT me and him are not together...I can't remember the rest..and I wanna be fair and honest, but I cannot hide the fact that it made me sick to my stomach.  I just started wondering what is going through his mind to even bring something like that up.  He just made me shut down.  I felt my heart and spirit just close him off.  I felt that everything he had told me an hour previous was a front....a freaking lie.   I told him to just leave me alone, but the part that is bugging me is that he thinks/thought I was an extremist because of my faith.  Because I tell him the weird/strange dreams that I have and yes angels are in them, people I have yet to meet and people who I may never  meet.  It sounds so strange, but these things have and I think they will always happen to me for the rest of my days.   Why did I tell him because he has shared some visions of his own with me and I thought, FINALLY somebody who will understand...somebody who will not think me crazy or looking for attention.  Do I share these things with everybody?  NO!  Not everybody is of the spirit.  I am not trying to hurt anybody's feelings, but this really hurts.  So now I'm thinking was he lying about what he has told me (visions/dreams) to even call me that and I'm wondering has he even ever had a foundation in Christ?  That's who I am.  I love God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I believe they are with us every day of our lives.  I believe God is communicating to us in these last days in dreams and visions.  I can talk about anything and I have a vast of other interests, but I am always game for the Word and all that it implies.  I love talking about spirituality and I am soo hungry to learn all that it has to teach, so if that make me an extremist then call me an extremist.  It hurts still because it limits my circle.  Not alot of people want to be around me because I have seen them in a previous dream and it freaks them out.  I don't do alot of things that some people deem "cool" today.  It freaks me out and I wonder why do it since its gonna lead to pain anyway?  Am I Ms. Perfect??  Goodness NO!!  I'm not without sin.  I'm human and I make my mistakes.  But am I soo different that some people can't just tell me what they think if I ask?  If you don't wanna talk about it, fine.  Life goes on and I understand.  I know there are fine lines to everything and some people will get it and some won't.  However if I open up to you about it then don't leave me hanging.......a simple no/yes/or I don't wanna talk about it will suffice.  And don't call me an extremist or crazy.  I have feelings too.  I can laugh, make jokes, and cry just like you.  One thing scares me and its that I'll be alone for the rest of my days.  I mean I don't have anybody to talk to about this and it sucks.  Maybe I'm not supposed to.  Maybe I should keep it to myself.  Maybe its just for me.  Is God showing me these wondeful and cautious things for me to keep all to myself??  I don't think so, but maybe that's the lesson.  Maybe I gotta figure out when to speak and who to speak to.  Another freaking lonely road.  Well I guess that's my que to leave.    

lilyiam07 lilyiam07
31-35, F
Feb 24, 2010