Sinking

I had everything I ever wanted in life. A guy I knew for so long had finally became mine. I wasn't intended though. I met him one afternoon. He was passing a football with his friend. I came down with their friend who knew me from school... we just clicked at the first sight of each other. That night, he hung out with me until 4AM. We didn't do anything but watch tv. The next night, we walked hand in hand to a local park. It was the most incredible night. We just talked for hours underneath the stars on a merry-go-round. As childish as that sounds, it was the best moment of my life at the time. Every night from then on we were just around each other all the time. Those nights led to 2 years. We created a family with a beautiful daughter who's almost 7 months. After about her 5th month, things started heading down hill so fast I didn't see what was coming. He took a job which was 3rd shift. He would work from 11PM - 7AM. I barely got to see him anymore. As time went by slower than ever just spending all day with my daughter, cleaning, cooking, more cleaning, feeding her, bathing her, keeping her happy, listening to her cry, etc... I began to become so lonely. My mother had moved in with her boyfriend 3 hours away from me. I lost most all my friends except one, but we couldn't hang out. All I had was his friends. As the days went on and the hours and minutes slowed to a screeching crawl...all I done, every day, all day, the same thing, over and over and over. I completely understand its responsibilty and I take that. After a while though, you just lose it. You don't want to do anything, you feel like the person that promised you everything has just lost complete interest in you. You see the person you remember so vividly drifting away from you, only getting to spend 2 hours with them a day and on the weekends. Finally, one afternoon you talked him into calling out of work and he spends 3 days with you. Its wonderful! You get your love back. Until the 4th day, time for him to go back. Just a couple hours before he starts getting ready, he's taking care of our daughter when she starts crying and he gets mad, I told him to just stop and he blew up. Things ended so badly that night. 3 days later I'm thinking ok he'll come home, right? No. He says he don't want you any more. He says he needs a break. I lost the love of my life, the person I was planning on marrying, the person I promised my heart would never quit beating for...He left. And to beat it all, he doesn't seem to even flinch. It doesn't seem to hurt him at all. Even after everything, all those years of friendship, love, proposing, becoming a parent....nothing. I have tried to move on, but I can only think of everything we've been through, said to each other, the laughs, the love, the memories, the pain, the joy, everything! I try so hard not to but its so hard not to. At night, when I'm used to going to bed and cuddling up next to the man I love, I cry. And I can't stop. Even though I have my daughter, I still have lost my heart. The lonliness is killing me. I was never alone with him. He was there, some way, some how, he was there. And now, I have no one. Not my mom, not my dad, no friends...I gave up my life for him and my daughter, I gave up my friends, I gave up my career, I gave up everything. I sacraficed everything! I was there for him when he wasn't even there for himself. I was there to get him to stop drinking when that was the first thing he'd do when he got up and the last thing he done when he passed out. I got him off drugs. I believed in him. I gave him a place to stay, I gave him my heart, I gave him a child, a beautiful little girl, and he gave me lonliness and heart ache. I have prayed, cussed, pleaded, and cried some more. I ask God what I done so wrong! He won't tell me why. I have never hurt so bad in my life. I have never felt so alone either. Every beat from my heart was his. And I thought everyone of his heart beats were mine. Rainy nights are the worst. He used to love holding me in the rain...Now there's just no one. Just me and my daughter in this huge world. I'm all alone...in heart, at night, during the day...I miss my baby. I just want my heart back and all this lonliness, despair, and pain to disappear.

Ioverseyes Ioverseyes
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 1, 2010

loverseyes - but I feel for you and know about the awful pain you are going through. It is so difficult to find words that will comfort you. I reach out a friendly hand of reassurance. I sincerely hope that things will improve soon.

You are obviously in a great deal of pain. Although it may hurt to hear it, it could be that your guy was not mature enough to stand by you in a long-term relationship. This is a sad thing. My advice is that next time you meet someone suitable, make sure you have a long discussion about what you both want. And make sure that you understand what love really is. <br />
<br />
I just read an interesting account of what love really is. It has three stages. First, It makes you both feel good. This is the honeymoon, feel good, 'I'm in love' first stage. But this good feeling does not last and it is NOT meant to! The second stage involves disillusion and disappointment. This is when you have got used to your partner and you really get to know eachother, and perhaps things have become a little boring. The third stage is when you overcome the disappointments of the second stage and you make the active choice to be faithful to and stay with your partner. Stage 2 paves the way for this third stage. This third stage is when you find genuine, non-selfish, unconditional love and cultivate a stable, mutually nurturing relationship based upon 100% committment from both partners. <br />
<br />
The problem is that these days most people press the eject button during stage two without ever realising that there was a third stage. In fact, they falsely think that they can find another relationship which will remain in stage one bliss and happiness for all time. So many men and women jump through multiple relationships with the expectancy of keeping that first stage one euphoria alive. This simply DOES NOT happen and it is one of the greatest illusions of modern times. Consequently, very few of us are actually making it through to stage three and many of us are ending up in great pain and in lonely situations.