Random Thoughts Of Loneliness

I’ve been reading some stories and I’ve seen that lots of people feels alone and in desperation for company, my sympathy is with all of them, I’m one of them too.

Yes we all know how terrible is to feel lonely, and we remember better times with loved ones, and we think how the hell did we end up like that, we all have memories of when we were children, happy times, at least I do.

But I don’t feel useless, and I generally like myself, I like what I see in the mirror and I don’t envy anyone regardless of how much partners/money/friends etc they have, because I know I am a good person and some people loves me, because I know I am capable of things, a special soul that shines when is happy, that’s what I think I am.

And I deserve as better as anyone else.

It all depends on you, no matter where you are or what you do, you are your owner and we are all capable of things, we all shine.

I think I am a lucky guy, I live in a nice flat, in a nice part of town, I hardly ever have much money but it don’t bother me, sometimes I don’t care about important things but I guess that’s just me.  I also have a couple of friends I can count with, some other good friends overseas, some of them visit me at times and is great.  I read some people talks about volunteering to beat loneliness, I’ve been volunteering for over a year, sometimes even full time, just not to be alone.

I can’t find a proper job, I think I’m not mentally strong to take a job I don’t care about, I have no mortgage or children let alone partner so I can manage with little money.

I never had a good relationship with my mother and brothers, never did, they are not my friends at all although there’s a natural bond between us.  My mum don’t give a s**t about how I feel, yes she would help would I’d be in deep trouble, she’d always do, she’s cool at the end of the day, but she just don’t know me and she don’t care because she’s scared of knowing me and realising that I’m not who she thinks I am, deep deep inside she things I am my dad, the husband that she lost almost 30 years ago, her only partner in her long life, the only person that has ever kissed her.

She thinks she did things well by staying a widow for the rest of her life but that couldn’t be so far from the truth although I respect her doings.  She’s been depressed all her life since widowing, not a deep depression but you know, loneliness, she’s been so lonely and miserable that I have been feeling so bad about it also.  When my dad died I not only lost him, I lost my entire family, and I think of those happy days when we were a family, we have so many pretty snapshots from the 70s when I was a kid and I had a pretty smile.

Since I lost my dad my life has been in decline, I’ve been cool, I’m a nice person, respected and also desired, but that’s only what I’ve created of myself, that’s not me, I even think that I have never heard my own voice, because I don’t know what I mean when I speak.  My life is so much ruled by the fear of being alone, all I do is ruled by that, I’d do things not to be alone only, it’s the fear of feeling lonely, I don’t have any aim, and I don’t understand things neither.

I guess, when my mum widowed, I took the role of my dad although I didn’t want it, and I could never perform as my dad because I wasn’t him, but you know, what do you want to do when your dad is dead in a box in the next room and you are seeing your mum’s face of pain and desperation, what are you expected to do??

Is a pain that I can’t do anything about it, and I don’t want to manage it or get rid of it, maybe because that’s the last experience I have with my dad, the last day his body was with us.

I remember every minute and second of that day and I think how the heck can that affect me so much, it’s just a normal thing to lose a parent, we all do isn’t it?  I just don’t understand it, I guess my pain is there because my mother was never able to pick up her life again, dragging me behind, and I was willing to help at home, I was willing to give my life for her, just not to see her unhappy, like a good son would do, but feelings are not maths, The end result is not a happy ending, not for the moment.  The end result for me is loneliness, I’ve been lonely all my life although I know people and  I had a few partners but I always blow it up because in reality I want to be alone, I am scared of showing who I really am to other people, to open my feelings and stop talking for talking, I’m so scared of love although I want it badly, I can only be myself when I am alone, and then is sad.  I can cope with thing generally, I do go out etc, but most of the days I’m alone, and when I go out I just follow other people, I don’t chose my own way because I think if I do that I’ll be alone and that scares me, and I think that way because my mum hasn’t showed me what is to be happy and enjoy life as it comes, and I’m scared of finding my own way on my own.  I know is hard to widow when you’re still young and with kids, but it’s harder to keep it that way and don’t change or give another chance to happiness.  It’s not all my mum’s fault of course, I want to be fair.

Since I was a teenager I’ve been smoking joints everyday, almost everyday up to now, i smoke so I don’t see the world outside, that’s the reason I smoke for.  The joints are not the problem, if only that was the problem, believe me I would be so unaffected.

I’ve been going to psychotherapy for a while, weekly, it slightly helps, it slightly shows you that you are more than what you think you are, it shows you that things are not your fault and that when you are a child you are so vulnerable that things affect you more than what you think. That’s an important point, things are not your fault.

Funny isn’t it?? Funny this life.

Ok chaps, if anyone has read this, apologies for my basic English and random thoughts, it feels great to get it out of your chest

I’m not believer but I’d say: God bless all of you.

supermega supermega
36-40, M
3 Responses Mar 4, 2010

Hi emotionallystunted and cursedmistymoon and thanks for leaving a comment, i don't know if you'll read this but it really means to me that you read my story. <br />
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Last week was a bit hard for me emotionally, i'm feeling better this week, well, at least just normal again, and not feeling down.<br />
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When i'm alone i think of you people that have commented and it gives me strength<br />
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Kisses to everyone!!!

I cant wait for the pain to end and be replaced by strength and happiness . above all inner peace.. its hard to love yourself once you feel so rejected. ty for the post

thanks for your kind words, <br />
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I really don't know what to say to answer you, but your words will remain in my mind for a long time, hopefully to push me to do something good or better about myself and about others.<br />
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Thanks again, love to you too