Lonely Friday Night
I don't know how I end up back where I started... I guess nothing ever changed... fundamentally.
Let me rant out my situation here. I am currently with my 1st gf. We've been together for almost 7 months. I developed a very strong attachment to her. I fell in love with her... I truely did. I put her happiness above everything (they say one never forgets his/her first love, I now know what that means).
She doesn't have a car available, and I drive to her as often as possible to visit. It's an hour away... which isn't too bad. I do hate driving though, I just can't tolerate the time I waste while driving... yikes. Even so, that was fairly difficult for me. I miss her so much when I'm not seeing her. I know it's not healthy, but I am incredibly attached to her.
Though one giant problem is coming: grad school. I applied only to the best schools in US. I got into all of them (My record was over the top... I knew the result pretty much before I applied). Though my girl didn't get into any of them.
My girl got into her top choice (a rather surprising result), but that school is 4 hours away from any of my choices. She seems determined to go there. I regretted everyday not applying to her top choice. I don't know what the f*** was wrong with my head. Maybe I was being arrogant... In fact, I realized the problem right after that deadline was past... and I somehow knew it was going to happen. I'm a fool and an idiot. Maybe I should've applied either way just to see... perhaps the school would've considered even after the deadline because of my record. I'm a f***ing idiot for not doing that, it's too late now. She did get into other decent schools (though quite a bit below her top choice). If she chooses any of them, we will be able to live together during grad school years.
To me, going to a lower tier school is much easier than holding a 4 hour long distance relationship. Yes, I know it sounds superficial. I'm a very lonely person and seeing my girl makes all my trouble go away. Perhaps I've become too reliant on her... anyway, I'm faced with this giant problem: 4 hours long distance relationship. I admit it could've been much worse, and to many, this isn't that big of a deal, but the thought of not being able to see her that often makes me incredibly upset.
As much as I hate to consider it... I thought of breaking up with her. I don't want her to sacrifice her career for me. At the same time, it'll be 5+ years long distance and without definite end (more for post doc study potentially). This will certainly drive me insane! I can barely handle the distance currently... and if problem arises during my grad school studies, all hell will break loose. My academic career will certainly be doomed to fail.
I don't konw what to do. My girl doesn't seem to be willing to compromise, and I know my requests seem rather unreasonable (yeah, it's only 4 hours driving one way). But I can't help it, I love her on the one hand, but I cannot handle the pain of not seeing her on the other hand. The only two options left are either try it or break it up. I feel incredibly lonely and selfish... I can't take this conflict building inside me anymore... I keep thinking I should breakup with her already since I am clearly having doubts already and am unlikely to provide the love she needs... I'm such a coward... Perhaps if I break up with her, she will choose the best career path for her without any bias.
I feel sick... I feel my stupidity of not applying to her school has doomed me entirely.... I feel incredibly lonely this Friday night...