What Am I Doing In This World?

Wake up, eat, sleep..wake up, eat, sleep...wake up, eat, blank, sleep....

Every day, same thing..over and over and over again and again!

As a "normal" human being, I can't believe this is how I pass my days repeatedly.

I have two legs to stand on, eyes to see, hands to feel and touch, a car to drive, phone to communicate with, and a mouth to...to...talk with I guess.

Seldom do I even open my mouth and let a peep out, seldom do I come across another human being to chat with, share my thoughts with, laugh with or even have fun with.

Yes, I had times when I had "friends" to go out with, get crazy with, run around with, share my problems with...now I feel like I have nothing and no one.

It's been like this almost all my life and why..why?!?!

I lead the most lonely, miserable, sad, sad, SAD life!

Out of all the billions of people in this world, not one of them is my friend. Not one of them I can share my thoughts, joys, and problems with. I only have myself to criticize, my mind to toture with stress and problems, myself to put down lower and lower every day.

What is wrong with me? Well let's see...

I'm a young girl, but getting to the age where I should be getting my life together..finding the path to lead to a bright future, but no I'm stuck. There's a thick stone wall that just seems to block my path, block me from ever getting through it somehow. School, ha..I've never been able to get through it without difficulty, work same thing. Yes, everyone has problems in those areas but for me it's the social life. I am probably the quietest person you will ever come across. Every day I wake up alone, stay home all day alone (if I'm not helping out at my parents business) and even there I'm alone! Every day I spend it alone with absolutely no one to talk to! We are suppose to be social creatures! It is hard to live by yourself with no other human contact or letting a word out of your mouth. I am very shy, very self conscious. I think I think about other people too much. I worry what other people will think about me. I am a weak person..I take things to the heart. It's harder nowadays with so many outspoken, rude people! I'm non judgemental, I accept people for what they are, I don't think of myself as any better than anyone else, I cannot be rude or mean in any way to anybody! And it's awful. To get through this life you have to at least be able to stand up yourself and have competitive attitude, but I don't think I have that.

Working is sooo awkward and miserable for me! I mean I do have good days and that is usually after I get used to everything around there. But I always have trouble getting along with other co workers. They always have some kinda beef with me for some reason?? I've done nothing..I just tend to stand around like a retard staring blankly at nothing, not being able to associate myself with the others. It is so hard for me to talk with people, go up to people, be around others. I just freeze up. And some rude person will just come up and ask why I'm so shy or why I'm so quiet..I mean you think I want to be this way?! Back in the days when I had to share something in front of class I just froze up, then this one obnoxious guy blurted out "come onn, say something. You can use sign language if you have to," in front of the whole class! How humiliating.

I don't know, depending on situations I can be outgoing, but I think I'm scared of people. I think I'm too nice, that's probabaly why I get taken advantage of so easily. I wish I could be all mean and rude towards other people sometimes, but I just can't, it's just not in me. Ah this is getting a little too long haha, it would take me 20 more pages to actually write down everything I want...but to get to the point as of right now..I feel sooooo alone and depressed :( I have no one anymore, I never really have friends, people always come and go. I have no best friends, not even a friend, no boyfriend, no close family members. I do have a good family but we are not very open with each other. My sister is always just in her room, my parents are just with themselves, and me...well me I'm just by myself. I have no courage to go out anymore, I'm discouraged to work again seeing how I always have some kind of problem at every work I've ever had. These days I just wake up, eat, think, sleep. My phone doesn't even ring, I get no texts. My stress just piles up more and more.

I feel like a bird in a cage, trapped, watching other birds fly around freely, watching in agony knowing that with these wings, it could fly high and free just as well..

kittiex3 kittiex3
22-25, F
6 Responses Mar 9, 2010

Although you are saying that you cannot face others, here you are...very beautifully and articulately telling the world EXACTLY what you are going through. In this way, you are connecting to many others who would NEVER be able to divulge so honestly how they feel!!

You seem to be a very caring person who is built like a glass butterfly. That's okay. If you give yourself and the world another chance, just take tiny risks, a little at a time, so that you don't wall off that beautiful heart from those who could really benefit from having you in their lives.

The worst thing that could happen is that you would find out that you are like so many other people who just hide their insecurities better than you do. We all need each other and the strength that we give to all.

Thank you for touching my heart with your honesty.

I love you.......

Yeah, seriously! Why isn't there a way that all the people like us could get together. That sounds fun no?

so, where have you people been all my life??

=( Thats sad. I dont exactly get a million texts each day either. There is nothing wrong in being to nice. Just gotta meet the right people. :)

You sound like I was for the better part of my life.. now I'm learning to live :) Take Care, LMN x