Heartbroken Forever Tormented

It all began when I moved back to Arizona when I was 16. This was in 2005, my dad just got out of a marriage the previous year and was dating another women. From the beginning, I was very  distant from my new step mom and her three daughters. I honestly never talked to them and the whole year stayed in my room and pretty much ignored them. So after that year I started to get comfortable with all of them. So me and my dads girlfriends daughter which is named Diana started to get to know eachoter. She was 14 at the time and we instantly  clicked. We started hanging out alot and she was everything I could ever  hope for in a love. So we started to get serious, one day when she was in my room. I remember it like yesterday, i kissed her and thats when it all began. So we would always be together me her and my brother and I had it bad for her. I remember thinking when i was 17 that i wanna marry her. She was gorgeous, beautiful eyes, beautiful face, beautiful body, pure heart and she loved me. I later that year moved out of the house and into the guest house. I remember feeling a sense of freedom. So she would come over and we would watch movies and I would just look into her eyes and be lost for days. One day her mom came to my room, it was about 5 in the morning. We wernt doing anything,but her mom didn't quite trust me ever since that day. So we would sneak around constantly.I hated how I felt, I hated hiding how we felt for eachother.  I remember waking up and all i would think about was her and wanting to be with her. This love was so pure and I could never imagine the effect that it would later have on me. So that year went by and my dad cought us on the couch and asks me what  were doing. I tell him i'm not doing anything and he replies that I can never win. So I broke it off  that year and remember her being devastated and going to her room crying. I never wanted to hurt her, I loved her and wanted to be with her all the time. I later come to find out a couple months later that she has my heart and I cant share it with anyone else. I since have been fighting to get back with her, but everytime I try a little piece of me is broken in the words exchanged between us. I dont blame anyone for this except myself. I blame myself for being so neive and blind to noticed that she was my everything and what we had could never be replaced, not in this life time atleast. A love  you only  see in the movies, like Romeo and Juliet. I come to find out this year after a failed suicide attempt. That I did have a chance and we could be together if my ex wanted. Those words coming out of my brothers mouth not only broke my heart completely. But I knew from that day that I  would never be the same. So I write this not for pitty but for opinions on what I should do. I honestly have money coming and I believe that if I commit suicide it not fair for my family. But at the same time, I don't think I can ever love someone else the same. I honestly want to cut my losses and just give up. I mean whats the percent of suicide every year? but I would become a statistic dont get me wrong. My heart also goes out to you all that have lost someone you love dearly. The pain is un imaginable and i'm fighting everyday to stay alive for my family. Because other than that im dead, she has my heart in a locked box and I don't think its ever returning.

gonzalesjon1990 gonzalesjon1990
26-30, M
Mar 14, 2010