How do you describe lonely to someone who's never dealt with it? How do you explain a feeling so low, so deep, so dark to someone who only has sunlight upon their face? Some believe the glass to be half full while others half empty... I believe mine to just be broken. How many times can I say I'm tired, overwhelmed, distraught and hurting before I either come to grips that this is just the type of life I was meant to lead... that quality is not an option for someone like me. Maybe my standards are too high... Maybe I expect way too much out of life and I should lower my expectations considerably?
I just need to find answers here as the holidays are always an added stress for me and if I'm this far gone before they arrive then the chances of me surviving the next few months are minimal at best. I've seen low before, I've been to the lowest points and spent months in bed popping sleeping pill after pill to avoid the world. The difference this time, I have no sleep recovery option. I have so many responsibilities and deep down I know that the first day I call of work will begin that chain reaction. Too many rely on me at the moment and are my force to get up, out, move, breath. This might seem like a good thing but I need my alone time to get through this, to let it all out, to cry until there is nothing left. Taking a ten minute drive isn't going to fix it this time. Screaming, alone, in the darkness of my car isn't getting me to the end. I need a few days with my thoughts to contemplate life and develop a plan of action. This thing can and will eat me alive and, at this point, I'm letting it. I can't be a grown up right now... I can't take care of me how can I be expected to take care of anyone else? I'm really just going through the motions and that's not helping anyone. I'm just at a loss here... I'm already struggling with life, bills and more... with the added burden of the X not working and my hours being cut it's just salt in the wound. Top that off with a soon to be 16 year old that so expects a party, a party that the X's family promised she would get, a party that I cannot begin to afford. Money doesn't fix everything but at this moment it wouldn't hurt.