The Flowers In Me Just Fade When I Look Into The Mirror...

Its a funny thing, this life is.. Once i was a young woman beaming with confidence, the talk of the school, high flyer till i became 'The First' for many things.... and then suddenly looking back, all that is gone.

I am lonely..

It all started with 1 man. 1 man whom i loved so dearly. One who was totally different from my prim and prop upbringing. A dare-devil, cheeky guy who would have never fit it in my more than perfect world... or so i believed.. we dated for 6 years, with his family all the more willing to take me under their roof, but my folks never knew anything about him. Coz, they would never approve..... (or secretly i admit that while i enjoyed life so much with this guy, i still dreamed of a better man.. don't get me wrong, i wished he would somehow evolve into that perfect man... (yup, he didn't and guess that wouldnt have mattered anyhow).

in those 6 years of our long distance relationship, i lived a fantasy.. that would be the only truth to say. he had many gfs at his local college. Many prettier girls (he said it himself..). each time i break down in devastation of learning about his affair, he would somehow soothe things down by claiming that i was the only girl who cared for him and he needs me in his life. Drama u may say (and i agree now) but it fit my fantasy skit.


5 (discovered) affairs later, i guess my soul was more than broken that it ever was before. And then he finnaly mad his big exit. No, there were no fights, no nothing, but he just quit contacting.... hows that feel, after 6 years...? if my swollen eyes could speak, they would have some correct words.


Needless to say, my self esteem has gone down the drain... in the end all he wanted was a pretty face.

after all tghe sacrifice, and all the tolerance, he left me like a bag of garbage...


no longer do i see me.


i just wish he understood the impact of his attitude on me. n ot trying to be in denial here but yes, i do feel cheated..


*and i dont know why but this break up has triggered off a series of  tension points in my mind.. now i am under treatment for depression..

nevertheless, still lonely... :'(


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purple00tunnel purple00tunnel
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 15, 2010

thnks Bluebird777.... true, forgiveness is the answer.. but sometimes i wonder, do i forgive myself for allowing him to control my emotions and my life? do i forgive him for the many times that he broke his promises? how do i seek forgiveness from my dear family that became 2nd priority when i was with him? and how do i even start forgiving myself for the many severed friendships when i was stuck in the whirl of our wrecked relaionship..? Bluebird...i lost so many precious relationships because he demanded to be the center of my life, which i foolishly gave in....<br />
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to be honest, i'm hoping that above and beyond the thought of 'forgiveness' i hope someday he will get a piece of his own cake... not a curse but he would never understand the pain unless he goes thru it himself. because of wrong priorities, i missed many big opportunities that came my way after i finished college. i sacrificed all those oppportunity (and some of which i did not even see coming because i was really in a disorientated state of confusion because i couldnt accept that people would cheat right on some one's face. at least not the person whom we loved so dearly....<br />
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but then guess i was wrong all along. <br />
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thank u very your encouragement.. i am a new user to this site and to be honest, finally i get a chance to express myself in a community where there are people like yourselves who do care to offer a word of encouragement. i couldnt express more how much that means to me rite now. sometimes we seem happy and okay on the outside, but we have so many things cramped up in our hearts..unable or unknowing how to express them out. sometimes even embarassed a what people would say or how stupid we would seem to have let ourselves into these knots.

Hi, you are hurt by this person you loved, I also have been hurt by someone I had Faith in. It's not easy to get over such a thing as that... What I want to continue doing is to focus on myself do what I need to get over being hurt. FORGIVENESS is a good tool for me to practise every time i think of my hurt feelings... You are still the beautifil person you were beleive that...