Wish I Had Someone To Talk With

My husband's emotional issues due to his accident have gotten worse and worse.  He is convinced he is dying and pushes me away.  He encouraged me to have an affair for a very long time since he suffers from sexual dysfunction . . . and I finally broke down and engaged in a physical affair - no emotional connection at all.  My husband knew about it beforehand, still encouraged it, then used it as an excuse to attempt suicide.

I'm so tired of the constant drama.  So lonely for my husband.  Wish there was someone I could talk to about this roller coaster I call life.  I see a therapist, but that is only so helpful.  The one person I have a connection with turned into a stalker.  The guy I slept with lives in another state and is honestly not close to me, emotionally.  He is coming back to town this week and I know he will want to see me.  I'm tempted, but not sure if that will push my husband over the edge.

I love my husband, but since my encounter he wants nothing to do with me.  He alternately tells me he wants to live together as friends or that he is leaving.  I know that he doesn't have the mental capacity to live independently and I've asked him what his plans are if he wants to leave.  He doesn't elaborate.  He says he doesn't blame me for my 'affair', but he can't ever see loving me the way he used to.

And now he scrutinizes everything I do.  I bought new underwear . . . He accused me of buying them for 'someone else.'  Told him I just needed new underwear.  Went to the salon, like I do every 4 weeks, he accused me of getting ready for a date.  I know he's being irrational, and probably acting like anyone else in his situation, but I don't know how to act toward him.  Don't have anyone to ask.

Everyone I know is a work colleague, and I don't want to risk talking about this at work.  Can't figure out my options because they're so emotionally based.  I want my husband back - the man I fell in love with before his terrible accident.  I want a good sex life and good emotional balance.  My kids want their father, not a drugged out whack job who sends them random text messages all day long.   

So I guess I am a cross road . . . I'm in this marriage for better or worse, in sickness and health; and I've had them all now.  I can't make my husband stay here and I can't protect him from the big bad world.  I can't put my life on hold while I wait for a magical cure to his injuries.  But I love him.

I still love him, even though it hurts.

sassyg1rl sassyg1rl
46-50, F
1 Response Mar 15, 2010

sassyg1rl, hold on. ur husband needs you. ur children need you both. i will be praying for u and ur family. GOD+bless!