Missing Him

After 22 years of a beautiful marriage to a man whose reason for living was ensuring my happiness, I made the worst mistake of my life. I had an affair with a man whose reason for living was to find a woman to take care of him, physically, emotionally, and financially.

I watched as my husband struggled to live, his heart an empty vessel, once filled with love, quickly filling now with misery and pain, bleeding helplessness and fear.

We divorced, but desparately tried to repair what I had carelessly destroyed. What had taken 22 years of overcoming every obstacle together and sharing our dreams, joy, and love to build a life that most people only dream of, I managed to reduce to nothing in the blink of an eye.

It's been 5 extremely hard years, and the results of my foolish actions are obvious. His pain is so overwhelming and deep that it's doubtful he'll have the ability to heal.

Every day I search his face for a sign of the man I spent over half my life with. How can I miss a man so much when I'm laying by his side?

I cannot forgive myself for what I consider is no less than murder. Though he appearred to live, his spirit, his soul had slipped away.

I long for my husband, my lover, my best friend. I miss the eyes that lit up with love at simply looking at me .I crave how I felt every night as I lay in his arms, drifting to sleep with this precious man, knowing he loved me unconditionally.

I don't want to give up, but I don't know what to do to find the man that once lived and breathed for me. I hate myself for what I've done to him and for losing my soulmate.

My prayer is constant, "Bring him back to me or take me home with you." My will to live is mirrored by his empty eyes.  I'm lost, alone, and scared.

My deepest fear is that he'll give up and let me go, moving on on with someone new. I'll be one of the very few whose cause of death will be a broken heart, 

 

loriweber loriweber
51-55, F
2 Responses Mar 16, 2010

I'm so sorry, I really hope your wishes come true. I agree with irhotman, I think if he saw this post he would better understand the heartache you suffer...

I know exactly how you feel! I'm really sorry to hear it, my heart sincerely goes out to the both of you.