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I Hate Being a Single Mother

I have been alone ever since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter at 35.  I have never been married and have no other children.  I thought things were going to be ok because I had a good career, a nice home, and my education behind me.

I have experienced rejection like I never thought was possible.  I only recently started dating again, and no one wants to go out with me because I have a child.  The only guy that was interested is divorced with a daughter, but has a very nasty relationship with his former wife...I don't want that drama in my life or my daughter's.

I never thought that being a single mother would make me that undesirable. I don't need a man for financial support for my daughter, I am ok parenting her alone...but no one wants to go out with me. 

If I thought that my life would be destroyed by this, I may have chose adoption..b/c what good am I as a mother if I am miserable all the time?  I used to be ok being single, but in my age group, no married mothers want anything to do with me...they associate with other married mothers.  I have invited these women to lunch and they always find a reason to decline.  My single girlfriends don't call me for anything because I always have to make arrangements for a sitter.

The one guy I have been seeing has made it clear that we can date, but to never expect anything permanent with him because he didn't want to raise someone else's child.  I find myself still seeing this person because I am so miserable from being alone all of the time, that it's my only outlet to get out of the house and have an adult conversation or enjoyment.

I never, ever in my wildest dreams believed it could be this bad.  It's making me resent my child...and she has done nothing wrong.

nobodycares2014 nobodycares2014 36-40, F 114 Responses Nov 23, 2007

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I fully understand where you are coming from. Life for me is becoming pretty much unbearable, my partner of 8 years has left me heart broken, friendless, isolated and I feel I cannot cope. He has left me with no self esteem, and i am already a shy person. I am in desperate need to find someone to talk too...just to have some form of human contact and to make genuine friends. My story is too complex to write about in full deatail, my energy levels are so low to construct my experience in written format. I am a single parent, my youngest is 12 and I am having difficulty at home and at school. I keep asking myself where have I gone wrong in my parenting. I would love to be a part of a single mothers group or group of women which I have had difficulty finding , or even to start one up if anyone is interested. It would be nice to meet for coffee, to talk, to support one another, laugh, cry and create a platform where we could empower each other. I live in south west London.

Too the original post and any other post where you have felt hopeless, can definitely relate... I have a 16 year old and an 8 year old. I am not working at the moment, and the isolation from former friends and family can be difficult. My 16yo sees how others have treated me over the years and it hurts him. Neither of my children's fathers (both ex husbands) have looked back at my children, neither have their families. I am the only one for holidays and birthdays, but I make it work... We make it work. I am 38 y/o and I am yes I get lonely because of the isolation, but not desperate. I have taken myself out when I have the chance, and I do my best to feel grateful for everything and everyday.<br />
People come to me for advice and help, but like many of the single mothers have stated. When it comes to me needing help. No one wants to... Either from women who think their man might want me, or just don't give a damn, or are just waiting for me to break. Things are always a catch 22 when it comes to, so called friends. As for dating.... It is non existent... I too hear how pretty I am, and what a wonderful mother I am. But I also get that condescending attitude or comment from men as to them not wanting to raise anyone else's children. Even older men 20+ years... <br />
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My children are wonderful and they are successful in school and their activities. I am able to attend many of their events, but by myself. It gets lonely, but I am optimistic. As I said, I am okay at times, but I know that by the time my youngest is grown, I will not have any desire to date.... Since I have been my own best friend, and done everything, and been everything for my children. I look forward to my own time and space to just be who I am. The funny thing is my son wants me to have someone in my life, but I recently revealed to him that I have chosen to be by myself, and I will be okay. I too never expected a life like this, but I keep my head up and I keep trying... Do I look for a man, a companion who is accepting of who I am and my children? No... Do I love myself and keep myself up the way that makes me happy? Yes... After all I have learned to be my own best friend. Do I cry and have times where I feel hopeless, or broken? Yes, many times, but I see what is, and not what isn't, I work at this daily, and that is all I can do... While I hope for the best with or without a true friend or companion.

wow, I was under the impression girls had it easy when it came to male attention. With or without children...

Sorry your subjected to this. I had a very sad /similar problem where as a gal I was dating had 3 daughters from her marriage and her daughters just did not want me around. Her husband abandoned her/them when the kids were all very young. She did a great job raising them to. however They thought I was going to steal her away or something.

I've never been married and have no kids.. I really enjoyed being around them..when they were being polite anyway.. Long story.. Anyways I just quit calling her and vanished. No way was I getting between her and them. I'd lose either way.
maybe I'll write about it in here sometime. best wishes...

I'm a single father of my daughter I am perfectly fine of being a single father with no woman in my life or hoshimi's since both of our mothers were abusive to us. Here is the thing, drop the idea of a man fixing things, and you can't just decided to up and abandon your child you have to be there for her.

Support her, care for her, she needs your support man or no man she needs your support and love. you chose to have a baby with a father who was abusive, irresponsible, or cheats. Even no one wants to be cheated upon, you want to marry a nice guy. Only nice guys don't want to support the children of abusive, irresponsible men. Lots of women seek out men who are dominant, abusive and controlling. The reason single men aren't attracted to mothers with children not only has to do with them not wanting to support these children.

You have a great desire of lust for a man in your life. But here is the thing drop the idea of a man 'FIXING' things up in your life.

Me and my daughter's mothers were single but had no man in their life they raised us quiet terribly. Only because their lives were different.

So I hope you think of this. If you keep spending time with a man that you want so terrible your daughter may feel neglected.

So I don't think it matters if your divorced and have a child like honestly what's the difference? Like nobody should make a big deal over that like you killed your husband or something keep looking cause that means the one that doesn't mind is the one that doesn't care about anything else but you..

I am so sorry to read your story. I wish I were a man and get married with you immediately. I can see your great desire and you will be a wonderful wife.

Drop the idea of a man "fixing" things - find a hobby that you enjoy instead. Men are useless - they are not worth the bother.

I will just say

A child should have no impact on someone dating you if he was truly interested in you or if you were a single mother
Wrong guy if it does

My 2 cents hugs

I feel sorry for single mothers with children. But here is the deal, you chose to have a baby with a father who was abusive, irresponsible, or cheats. Actually, if you really love a guy, you would put up with his cheating, as I put up with the cheating of a girlfriend who I really loved. Now, you want to marry a nice guy. Only nice guys don't want to support the children of abusive, irresponsible men. Lots of women seek out men who are dominant, abusive and controlling. The reason single men aren't attracted to mothers with children not only has to do with them not wanting to support these children, but also mothers are not as sexually attractive as females who don't have children. Moreover, it is hard for a mother with a child to have much time or privacy to sexually please her man. Finally, mothers first priority are her children. When a man marries a woman, he wants a woman who will make him her first priority in life. You best chance at finding a male who will love you is finding a male twenty years older than you. Males twenty years older than you will overlook the fact you have a child, and may even see your child as a plus.

That's a little unfair Frank. Who hasn't made a mistake in love. Who hasn't fell in live with someone who changed on them later without warning? Not every woman is callous enough (no offense to anyone intended) to have an abortion.

The woman who wrote this is FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT. Therefore there'd be ZERO benefit in her dating men old enough to be her father. Why? 1. Because it's unlikely she'll be sexually attracted to them 2. Men die earlier than women to begin with. Your proposed suitor is likely to at least fall very ill while she's just hitting her 50s.

What fun is that? Date someone who will never excite you, has nothing of value to offer you, and then nurse him to his death just when she's freed of caring for her child? Wow. She's better off being casual with attractive men her own age. At least she'll enjoy sex, a little romance, and is not inheriting nurse duty down the road.

I share her struggle and its tough. All i can advise is prioritize your health, beauty, and success. I least then you can know beyond a doubt that men who pass on you are truly missing out. Still lonely but at least self affirming

"Hey kids, meet mama's new boyfriend. He looks like your grandpa. You can call him grandpa!" Lol, gross

I know that I am only 21 &amp; young, but I have a 2 year old son that I'm trying to gain custody of &amp; I would be more than willing to help out in any way that I possibly can. message me if you have any further questions &amp;/or want to chat.

-Donald

any ladys from exeter devon wanna chat? message me 07791734472

My mom was a single mom she raised me alone half my life and when I moved out she found another man but honestly I don't think it matters if your divorced and have a child like honestly what's the difference? Like nobody should make a big deal over that like you killed your husband or something keep looking cause that means the one that doesn't mind is the one that doesn't care about anything else but you.. Don't give up talk to me sometime I can lend you an ear and give you my honest opinion and advice - best of luck

Im in the same boat too. Im a 40 year old single mom with a 4 year old and barely have free time to date. My ex has designed our schedule so I have no nights off. Family will sit once or twice a month only. Its very lonely. I never thought I would end up like this either. How are things going for you now?

I'm going thru the same. I'm curious to know where you are at now and if it has gotten better since. I have little support as my mom passed away before her birth and I have no siblings. My father had been absentee until about ten years ago when he gained sobriety at 62- he is not helpful, doesn't see her much (I thought he'd be thrilled at the idea of a do-over as a sober person) but now he is 72 and has no patience, calls her a "brat" and bc of the lack of time spent together, we're still almost strangers. He's not affectionate with her, I guess he doesn't know how, and his wife is mentally ill so I'm trying to accept his limitations and be grateful to know him now. He DID unexpectedly help me out financially after a layoff, but later complained about it. I got the impression later he did so more out of not wanting to have to deal with opening his home to us if we lost ours in the interim, though it may be the only way he knows how to communicate. So knowing personally what growing up without a father feels like, I really tried to avoid that for a child of mine by prevention. Obviously I have to work, and the cost of daycare was almost impossible. Though eventually I found something that worked. Ive worked on getting a support system of friends going, but the other moms tend to be superficial and it REALLY became evident during my layoff, also I dont have the resources they do to participate in alot if things. I want to scream "Its temporary, not contagious, Im still the same person, are u KIDDING me??" Even the divorced moms have big families and joint custody/reg child support etc... I KNOW that comes with challenges too, but my God
The betrayals and unexpected judgements (so many imcorrect)from friends/family have been fierce and no help at all to an extremely difficult situation. I WAS happily married and we tried for a child over a year. He knew my thoughts on divorce, univolved fathers (if worst case scenario should happen), we discussed it many times. Also the cost to an innocent child. I left him when my girl was 2. She will be 7 next month and somehow we're making it, but he NEVER would bond, hold, help w her, yet claims he loves her, and me as well to this day. He has refused to provide any answers or insight into why and Ive spent alot if time trying to unravel this to make sense of it as he's not a monster-we were best friends I thought, nor was there another woman-Ive explored possible fear of inadequate parenting since his mom was a narcissist that caused much damage, also whether he felt left out when she first came home and couldn't cope bc he had no tools, if he got scared, was clinically depressed and much more. Once in awhile he calls and asks to spend time with ME, he's never moved on, dated, or made any change toward growth. He has 2 40 year old roommates. Its insane. I finally asked him if he realized how painful it was for me when he calls and want to talk or be intimate, yet has doesn't inquire about Lucy. Was he expecting me to DATE him for Gods sake? He has since talked to her on the phone a few times. Since school lsdt year, shes been asking and I really made him aware and I mainly suspect hell call back out of fear that Ill persue him legally as he pays only half of what he's ordered and its sporadic, though he has a good job.
In the meantime a very close friend, like a sister, decided she wanted out bc she saw my "life going in a negative direction" and like I said the other moms are fine socially as long as I don't have any needs. Its changed my whole perception on who I thought people were. I'm now getting to a point 5 yrs later, I'd feel comfortable getting a sitter (though that's hard too sometimes) and going on dates, but have found (and very hurt by) a lot of interest in affairs from married men, or casual dating, all people I've known in my life and never have acted that way before, but not ONE guy who just wants to hang out, get to know each other, and see what happens. Im told Im pretty and have a great personality, to make it worse, 2 people from my pre-marital, pre-child life recently looked me up on FB to tell me variations of the positive effect I had on their life and their thoughts I was the "one that got away" , both are married btw and coversations were had about getting kids/family together but as soon as it was clear I wasn't "fun" anymore and couldnt go out on a whim, and was struggling financially both became absent fairly quickly. I dont get it. Im not looking for a baby daddy. But wth happened to my good friends, and why do I see so many others meet and start second lives. Its really been painful and Im fighting this changing me inside negatively, but am getting worn down. Im resentful also bc Ive always welcomed people in and treated them like family and have had a fairly large group of friends always, now I have had the thought if I got really ill and something happened while my daughter was at a playdate or something, would thrre even be anyone to call. I despise this powerless, victimized feeling. Its not my nature and feel this has been unreal and unfair. The divorce, I could deal with, layoff too. People I thought were good friends avoiding, judging, etc...was unexpected. I even had one accuse me of hitying on her husband, though I acted no different than any other time in last 20 years. I. Dont. Get. It.

if you want a friend or any one wants a friend I am here I have brought up a few children four f them when we were children and do not let age fool you even at my age I am more fit then many half my age if you want more information ask please

they are many men out the that will love you all as a family biggest risk is you have to have the rules for kids set in stone have seen to many fail when children play one ageist the other

I am a single mother of 2 active boys. I am 38 now.
My first husband was a dead beat dad. My second husband turned out to be a mother's boy and that he just wanted me to stay at home to take care of his sick parents.

Well, I too have problems finding a right man for me, but I still have hope that I will find someone good for me sometime. In the mean time, my boys keep me strong. I get so much fun and strength from them. If my boyfriend is not good for my boys, then I would leave him.

We, single mothers, need to create "me" time to rest. Please rest well and take care of yourself. Please dress up and keep up with your beauty not for some men, but for yourself. There are lots of fish in the sea, some good and some bad. We are finding bad ones so far, but let's keep looking!

That\'s the new generation problem... You kids run away when you feel there\'s a problem.. Work it out! Not run away from it.

sorry if younger I would date you and child can go with us

I think its where you are looking you need to find someone who has children and can relate to you being a mother and know that you have responsibilities and they do too. you also should look into finding activities for yourself so you can eliminate some of the extra time you have to do well on your situation. I too am a single mother and just put myself back on the dating scene I have not had the problem of men not wanting me for my children and I have 3 but I have found that some men are not serious about a relationship period. And just like my beauty but they're not ready for commitments. don't give up hope and don't blame your daughter. She doesnt have anything to do with it. just lose that thought you have to start looking for friends with kids. And you need to find someone that is smart intelligent respectful. There are guys out there.

I totally understand. I am 37, a single father with a disabled child. Women are more interested in me when they don't know me well. Being tall decent looking, educated, &amp; talented, with a local reputation among my acquaintances for honesty, meeting girls is not hard, when the opportunity presents itself. I meet all the said requirements; honesty, hardworking, loyal ect ... but the reality is they must want something else. I get 4 days a month where his mom takes her son for visitation. His mother is constantly evading warrants, jail, work, ... anything to be supportive.

Aaron276- you are such an idiot! Why is this woman alone to blame? Of course, this is what a man would say! Too many times, women are left with the responsibility of raising a child on their own, when the father should be taking care of the child as well! Almost always, there are two parents but the man usually ditches the responsibility! Hey- I wasn't married when I got pregnant and my sons father promised to take care of us, so much for all his broken promises! Single motherhood is hard and it's normal to sometimes resent your child! People, Please don't act righteous as if you've never wanted your freedom back! I love my son but miss my freedom! thats perfectly normal. Motherhood is tough but you need to get a handle on your life- for you and your child's sake. What's wrong with dating? If you can manage to fit the time in. But, don't be too greedy! If the man has drama with his ex, so what? Get real with your expectations! If you want too much, you'll often end up with nothing! My advice to you is to take good care if yourself, in and out. You'll be amazed at the number of men that will be attracted to you even if you have a child!

Hi my name is Bori I thought I was da only one but I see I'm not...it's ok ma its not your fault or your baby's...feel free to hit me up anytime to talk or wat ever ok ma have a good one

I would like to start off by saying that a lot of these comments are ridiculous. Why would you actively seek out a group whose views you disagree with just to make the OP feel like crap? She already feels like crap, that's why she's here!!! The whole point of EP to get support from people who share your experiences. Stop being STUPID and CHILDISH. My god. That said, I feel you 100%, OP. The only difference in our experiences is the age group we each belong to. I see that this can bring different challenges for different moms. Keep your head up. That's all I can say. Peace and love to you and your child.

When you play you pay sorry you're not a young teenager. You knew better.

Don't resent the child, only your own choices to have sex when unwed. It turns out in the end, the good old ways were right all along. Don't worry, there are guys out there who like to marry single mother because they also to be daddy to a child, but then if you wont let them get that status and role and dont want anyone else to become as important as you are to your child, well good luck. Men that accept hand-me-down women with hand-me-down kids do so because they want to assimilate them into their own family.

So.... You think the responsible thing to do would have been to put her up for adoption? Good heavens. Ah yes, creating yet another case for the state-run adoption agencies to deal with and possibly never even find a home for her, thereby letting her have a crummy life where she's never properly taken care of and never has a real parent, instead being moved from agency to agency- that's your version of the responsible thing you maybe should have done, rather than have an abortion. I'm a social worker and I've seen it plenty of times before. If you didn't have the foresight to deal with the loneliness that would inevitably come, since boys/men/males are allowed to want something new and fresh with someone it'll also be new and fresh for (which is why they don't want moms), then you should have gotten an abortion, NOT put her up for adoption. Real life is not like the movie "Juno." When are people going to start realizing that abortion is the responsible option, not adoption? Zygotes are not people; the fact that it will become a person someday, eventually, after many months of growing is meaningless.

Truth sorry but there's nothing more cruel than bringing a UNWANTED CHILD into this world. Abortion is better

I am surprised to hear it is so difficult to meet nice men who will accept your child. I was a single young mum at 28 with two small children, I met quite a few men and so did many friends of mine, we all remarried. Sadly, my second marriage failed also, and now I am alone again only this time, I am rearing my little grandson who is only 6, so I can really relate to what you say now. Because at my age, no one, has a small child, I don't fit in with the young mums, and my 'partner' of many years (whom I do not live with) does not want to take on that responsibility at his age. So, what is there? A child is beautiful, but cannot fulfill the emotional needs of a adult. I wish you luck, don't give up, you are at least young. All the divorced men will be out there soon, when all the second rounds come up. You are just in the inbetween age bracket. And they will all have children also, so they will not mind yours. Anyhow, don't resent your daughter, men let you down, your daughter is yours forever.

I can understand you, must be really sad being alone, I mean you left your life to being a mum. I also have to say that you are very brave and strong. I did an abortion because I was very scared to being a single mum and my ex boyfriend is a bastard, his attitude convinced me to do it. Sometimes I regret about that, but your post makes me feel better, Thanks for that. I do not know what it's gonna happen with my life I am full of hate, and not strong enough as you are. I am sure you gonna find a good man (maybe not now, but you will) You are very strong and brave. Your daughter have a super mum and that have to make you feel really happy. Apoligize my english.

As a man I say lonely single women deserve what you get

You are responsible for you lives

You wanted feminism now deal with the consequences...bunch of crybabies! :(

I too was feeling a bit cheesed off at being a single parent, because it really is hard work doing everything by yourself, but.............. and I have to admit the comment from aaron276 soon enough changed my "I feel sorry for myself" state of thinking. aaron276 told it like it is! Thats really funny:) Maybe a few women on here need to read between the lines on your statement.

What the hell do you mean \"women deserve what you get?\" I am a single mother, this is not what I wanted in my life but I wasn\'t going to stay with a man that was cheating on me during our whole marriage. I have never resented my children but I do admit it does get lonely raising then on my own because their father is a dead beat. I love my children but I admit there are times I would like to go out just to have a little grown up time. You really need to get a better perspective.

Hello, I am a single mother too and i was so lonely that i cried and found this blog now may be is late for the post i read to respond but please listen its worth it to have a child and even though you are lonely now but on your old age you have somebody who will take care of you and he will have kids that they will fill your joy and Christmas nights,. I know right now i cry and i think may i will have to find a good man for my baby and that's why that i got to this blog, but when i read this all posts, i said owww why do we search for been a made and a slave for some men just to keep us happy if they don't fully accept our beloved child, our blood and flesh, our mirror, our genes to continue in this world a man comes and go a child is unique, is a God gift to complete you in this life, do your best to raise this prescious gift with pride and love, some women married that they can not have a child in their marriage want be in your place and love the beauty unconditionally. God is good praise the Lord the right man will love you with your child unconditionnally.
And for the one who she said how desperate to raise her child, please go to the County you living they will help you for sometimes and give you some formation course to get a job, You see when you have a child help is everywhere a child is prescious and a future for the world so don't just give up because the father of your child is a looser do your best to raise a prince us you are a Queen. God Bless.