My Life Is My Punishment

I feel as if my loneliness is a punishment of some kind. I live alone in a little apartment, with no roommates and few visitors. I work alot, in fact, I only got home an hour ago after working a day I'm supposed to be off.

I don't drive because I suffer severe vertigo and am at the whim of how far I can walk or how much money I have for public transit. All of my friends have moved away or to farther distances than I can usually travel.

I am not a good looking person. I acknowledge and accept that true love and companionship is beyond my grasp. It has been since I had hit puberty some eight or nine years ago. When they do see the inner me, they only want a friend, because the outer me is no prize. This I have recently learned to accept.

My schedule is hectic, yes... But is it too much to ask for one person to talk to on a daily basis? What have I done to **** off whomever? It wasn't until I recieved medication a few months ago that for the past year I had exhibeted suicidal thoughts.

All I can do is basically learn to take it like a man.

drcynic drcynic
26-30, M
9 Responses Nov 24, 2007

Hi , You and me fall on the same boat.... Every line of yours match mine... It is indeed a punishment.


I live in Pittsburgh. I think it's a city, lol. The fact is, what am I to do when I can't afford to take a taxi or public transit as I'm often unable to. I get out as much as I can considering my own circumstances.<br />
<br />
However, happiness is not easy to come by. I'm a perfectionist and I can see every minor blemish within myself. It's an extremely difficult road, yes. I was out all day today. I just got home from one of our many Steeler bars. I have friends, and I know I can have a good time.<br />
<br />
The thing I want though is not to be alone when I come home. I have to pay bills, utilities, go out and shop for my own food. I'm out a great deal. I just don't like being alone when I'm not home, and I feel that that change isn't forthcoming.<br />
<br />
I feel out of control over it. What more can I do?

Dude, you are very young. Too young to give up so early. You have your entire life ahead of you. The school situation will change, the work situation will change. You won't be trapped forever. Go places where you'll meet people that are similar. Get yourself out there. Find some new crap to do - stuff you've never thought about doing before.

I know life is busy and stressful and hectic. It is hard to find someone you connect with. But you're young, it'll happen.

Try to think of happiness and/or love, as being like a butterfly;<br />
The more you chase after it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit gently upon your shoulder.<br />
Something like that anyways :)

Well, when you go to school in the AM and work in the PM, I'm usually exhausted when I get home... Maybe I should take vacation days?

:)<br />
<br />
I remember that line from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Charlie's mother tells him life changes when you least expecting it.<br />
<br />
Right now, I'm really least expecting it, lol. If the blue skies are ahead, I'll be glad to share them with ya, Mello. After so long in the dark, who couldn't share them?

To someone who has never had a great deal of faith in anything, it is extremely difficult, my friend.<br />
<br />
Did you ever see the Rocky movies?... I kinda have had to be like him... Get beat down over and over and over again... I've kept getting up... But how many times can one get knocked down before they can't get up anymore?... <br />
<br />
I've basically been reduced to feeling the only ship left to come in is some other horrible circumstance. Thank you for your comments. I certainly appreciate them.