I Am So Sick And Tired Of Being So Lonely For So Many Years I Could Just Die!

This is a really bad week.  Once again, a man I met who I thought might be something didn't work out.  I rarely meet men who might be something.  I have terrible luck with dating.  I either meet freaks, unavailable men or men I feel no connection to.  I connect to men rarely so when I feel a mutual connection it's really rare.  I usually desire those men who don't want me at all.  Facebook has made this worse as I made the mistake of looking up my ex who broke my heart in a very traumatic way 14 years ago and I still have fresh wounds from that.  I shouldn't have even looked him up but I did only to see that he is still happily married to the woman he left me for and they have a nice house, beautiful kids etc.  Meanwhile I am still single after all of these years, living in an apt. with two cats and recently laid off with no job, no purpose and no idea about my future.  Worst is I am convinced someone upstairs does not want me to ever find true love and happiness with someone.  I'm not picky.  I date men of all shapes, sizes, job/no job, whatever.  I just keep meeting men who can't commit or don't want to and I just turned 39 so now I have 50 plus year old men after me. So depressing.  I wanted nothing more than to have a child of my own and my only chance of that it seems is going out and forcing someone to impregnate me because I can't even find a suitable man to sleep with.  I want love.  That's it. Why is it so hard?  These celebrities leave one love and go straigth to another, I have friends on their second marriages already and I can't even get one.  I've been single for 10 years.  I haven't had sex in three.  I just met a man who was great but has sexual issues and no job and dumped me because "I deserve better" and he is not ready for a relationship.  The men who are ready for commitment are already married.  I never thought it would be so hard.  I am not ugly. I'm cute and had a good job and am fun to be with, so why can't I meet someone?  My friends are married so no chance of meeting men through them.  I don't go out anymore so it's either online which I have had no luck.  It's like trying to win the lottery.  I have met men in random places but it never works out so I am convinced I am just meant to live and die alone.  Such a selfish meaningless worthless life to live for no one to have no one except yourself.  I am tired of not sleeping because I feel so depressed or waking up crying.  I have cried so much over men and being alone it's a joke.  I am so depressed with my empty lonely life I can't stand the pain anymore.  I'm almost 40 years old and alone...alone..alone..alone...My entire life it seems I've been alone....single for 10 years.  Who is ever single that long?  As a woman my best years are gone and I'm just getting older and less desirable so I'll be lucky if I meet someone in the nursing home.  I wanted to have kids and now I'm too old because I haven't even been able to find a man.  Why is it so impossible for me to meet Mr Right?  I never thought I would be single for so long...no one is single and alone this long and to see my ex is still happily married living the life I had imagined him and I living together just kills me.  I haven't loved successfully since then and I just keep chasing that ghost...that old feeling that I've never had since.  I'm tired of living for just me.  It's just me in this house all alone and I'm tired of having no companion.  I'm tired of being alone I can't stand it.  And now I have no job either.  My life is completely pointless, worthless and meaningless.  I'm going to die alone so I might as well die alone now instead of prolonging it.  There is no God because no God or Universe would go out of its way to make sure I am alone no matter how hard I try to meet people, no matter how many people are in the world, no matter how many people I know have met somebody in the craziest of ways yet I can't meet anyone.  Why?  I have even tried to open up to date all kinds of men but it never ever ever works with anyone and I have terrible luck with men online.  Why is the big guy in the sky making sure that I never have the chance to meet Mr Right, marry and have a family of my own.  All I want to do is crawl into a shell and never come out.  My house is a mess.  I sleep all day.  I don't want to even breathe anymore.  As a woman I feel like had this completely healthy, fertile womb that has just gone to waste never to be used.  All I wanted was to find love, marry it and have a family.  That's not being picky, that's what everyone wants and I can't find it.  Everyone around me is finding it, has found it, and not me.  I am the only alone one in my entire circle of friends and family.  Even my weird cousing who no one thought could ever meet a woman has met his true love, so when they say there is someone for everyone, it's true except they forgot about me!

lonely2death lonely2death
36-40, F
8 Responses Apr 1, 2010

I haven't been on this site since 2011. The first time I wrote I was so depressed about not meeting anyone and was convinced I would be alone forever. I then met someone who I fell head over heels for. I fell deeply. He of course was not emotionally available and it ended and I was devastated. I kept saying I just wanted to meet a man who had a good heart, loved me for me, treated me well and was ready for a commitment. I then met another man who was all of those things. At first I was so happy that I finally met a good one. Now, 2 years later I am depressed for other reasons. He was laid off from his job shortly after we met. He hasn't worked since. Had to apply for welfare. I am supporting both of us on a teacher salary. He is older as well so age discrimination is a reality when looking for a new job. I have no hope that he will ever get a job and it has put all of my dreams on hold. Dreams to start a family together, since we cannot afford one. I feel like such a loser. When I was in my 20s this is not the life I imagined for myself. I graduated with honors from one of the most prestigious universities in the world and now barely scrape by. I live in an old apartment that I can barely afford rent. I drive an old car. I am dating someone who has nothing. I look around and all of the people in my life are doing well financially, have families, houses, vacation together and will be able to retire. I will have to work until I am dead in the ground and realize I will never get out of this hole. I can't break up with my man simply because he is poor and has no job. He is a good person and I love him, but at the same time I find myself resenting him since all financial responsibility is on me and this is not what I envisioned for myself. I have friends who have jobs that make a lot of money and are married to men who make a lot of money and when we were classmates we were all equal. Now I feel like I am trash in their eyes. I don't like how I treat my bf either because I do resent him for not being able to keep a job/get a new job. It's not fair I know because many people are out of work, but it's like I blame him because I finally met someone I loved and then he had to go and become unemployed for two years which prevented us from getting married and starting the life together that I wanted. Now I have doubts about everything and feel so frustrated that all of my friends are on a different playing field than me. It's like I don't fit in with any of them anymore and find myself shutting them out, and going back into a deep depression.

You wrote this almost 2 years ago, so hopefully your life has changed for the better since this post. Let me assure you that you are not alone in how you feel. I'm not sure how or where you can meet someone to make you happy. Just keep getting out there and meeting people in whatever way you can. I personally have made it a goal to make new women friends with whom to commiserate. So far it's great. Love my new GFs, but still looking for a few good men. Good luck, don't give up. I do get it, been there myself... Chris

I know how you feel, but seriously men are so cruel and self absorbed. I have been with a man who beat me (my sons dad) and then into the marriage that I'm in now. He is so cruel and spends his time being cruel telling me I'm stupid, worthless and then asks why didn't u do laundry you don't have anything else to do? I have Multiple Sclerosis and have been told not to drive and when he doesn't want me to do anything he agrees but if he needs something he says "its not that far just drive". right now I'm sitting at my mother in laws she has breast cancer and has 6 children that don't even call
so I have been taking her to radiation and chemo. This morning my husband asks "what did u do with our money? I don't remember having it, and now I'm being screamed at
and we have no money, it was our grocery and gas money for the month..I pray all the time, I feel so horribly sad I just wish God would take me home. So you see u can be just as lonelywith a man than without.
I even get turned away when I try to see my grand daughter. Maybe we could chat sometime.

so sorry. We all have our crosses to carry an it's all relative. I guess for me its' hard because all of the friends around me don't have any of the problems I have. They are all madly in love, have families and are financially successful. I just feel like I used to be going places and had a bright future ahead of me and didn't imagine that I would end up such a loser. And now an overweight loser. I used to be pretty and now I don't even recognize myself anymore. Instead of improving in my life, I miss my 20 year old self. Everyone around me, including my exes, have all done well for themselves and I have only done worse.

wow...I'm back. I haven't been on this site since that post I wrote over one year ago. I got an email that some comments were made so I decided to check it out. In re-reading my post a year and a half later, I cannot believe how pathetic I sound. I was clearly in such a bad, dark and depressing place. I was this way for so long that it is still painful to remember how badly I felt, but it is amazing that I am out of that dark place right now. Almost like a miracle. I know good and bad times come and go, but I felt like I was in the doldrums forever! Believe it or not, about a month after this post I met someone. Online of all places, a place that I had zero luck during my 10 years of singlehood. I thought it would never happen to me, but it finally did. The one I met turned out to be great, for awhile, but eventually it didn't work out. BUT I had four fun months with someone who for the first time in a long time made me feel desirable and likeable, even if it wasn't forever. It was something to make me realize that we are worthy...all of us. From this experience I also learned more about what I wanted and needed in a relationship for me, and what I didn't want. After it ended I was back to being single and convinced again that I would resume my "single forever" life since this one had only lasted a few months. I was heading back down that dark depressing road again, but this time I refused to allow myself to go into that black hole. I did not want to feel that pain and self loathing forever so I forced myself to get back on the horse as hard as it was. Everyone says it's a numbers game when it comes to meeting people, and as much as I hated getting back into the game, I knew I had to. I was expecting nothing to come out of it, of course, but at least I was trying. I also started seeing a counselor and decided to be more open minded to the kinds of people I was willing to meet/date. I tried a new dating site that I had never heard of before because it was free (since I had no job) and when I least expected it I met someone new who started out as simply a friend. I didn't think it would ever turn into anything more, but over time it did evolve into something more. We are now in an exclusive relationship and I am very happy. It is nice to have a true companion finally after being alone for so many years, so it is possible for everyone, even when you think it's way too late (as I did) you just never know what's around the corner. So just hold on. You might miss out on something wonderful that you will never know about if you check out now. Life is truly a mystery and as painful as it can be at times, remember that the future is unknown to all of us. I wish you all the best and that you too find peace and happiness, with whatever that might be. Don't give up. I almost did and am glad now that I didn't. I know there will be problems and there will be more dark days ahead because that is life, but I am happy to finally have found someone to share a part of me with. And my partner is jobless and poor and a lot older than me, someone I never thought I would go out with before, but I kept my mind open and it turns out he is a prince because he treats me well and makes me happy and that is all that truly matters to me. He too was alone and single and lonely for so many years, which makes us both appreciate the companionship that we have found in each other all the more.

Dont feel like the lone ranger! I've been alone most of my life! My biggest fear is dieing alone and lonely! But then I guess most women think I'm a freak coz I want a GF who will poop her pants! I hate the fetish coz I'm so alone!

I'm sorry you people are alone but I am comforted knowing I am not the only one. I too am alone and think I always will be. It's been years since I've had a connection with a man. My ex bf is someone I would of loved to be with but he was too cruel. Now I'm alone in an apartment waiting to die. If the holidays don't kill me, i will just continue to suffer. I try to make the best of it but reality creeps In. I have no problem finding men that want to date me, my problem is I don't like anyone I meet in that special way. The last time I felt it for someone was 5 years ago with the cruel ex bf who did not start out cruel. I was married one Tim prior to that and I managed to *** that up too.<br />
Why, fkn why am I living like this while others have people?

I understand. I do. It sucks. I have no answers. If I did, my own life would be different - better. I am alone too. I do whatever it takes to get through the day. I'm unemployed, recently relocated to be near my family, left all my friends and the security of a good job that I loved. Now I don't see my family at all. I'm alone every day, all day. I have too much time on my hands and my brain tends to go over my life. 53 yrs. old and alone. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. I think that's what most of us want. I have failed at several relationships. I can't say it was the men. I mean, after all, I am the common denominator in my life/relationships. Sometimes I think I'm alone because I deserve to be. I think I'm alone because there is no one who wants me. It certainly feels like that, but it can't be true. I can't imagine that being true. I'm nothing special, but I am a human being with thoughts and feelings like everyone else. I've made mistakes but I am a good person. I do my very best at whatever I am involved in. Just hanging on during this time of transition, with very little support, is a pretty big deal to me. Just a few months ago, I was happy, secure, comfortable and felt great. Now I'm miserable, alone, insecure and feel like crap. The worst part is that I chose this. I thought it was the right thing to do. <br />
Life can be so horribly awful. It's been bad before and I worked my way through it and it eventually got better. I just thought at 53 those days would be over.

I so here u,I been without a woman for 10+ years and no friends either,only here on ep.like u I would rather die than go on like this.I do meet women but like u are unavalable for one reason or another,live too far,in another country,married,dont like me that way,too young,u get it.I have tryed to end it in the past because of being so alone.and i dont want to go another summer without someone to share life with.message me and maybe we can at least be friends so life isnt so lonely