My Sad Evening

So I as I was driving home from my parents' I felt restless and decided to text a work friend if there was anything going on tonight. I drove towards downtown to near where he usually hangs out with his girlfriend just in case he texts me midway. I've been invited before, and I had a good time, so I didn't think it'd be a bother. I thought it was me breaking free from my isolatated world, and that I was being proactive in dealing with my poor long term social life. (side note: I really don't think I have any friends anymore. I have fallen out or alienated my old friends, and I seem incapable of making new ones. It's like I'm in a friendless limbo.)

No response at all for several hours. I'm driving around downtown afraid to even people watch. I felt they would all judge me if I look at them. I keep telling myself that this is training. This is facing my fears and will initiate a change, and change is good my sister once said. I drove around a bit more seemingly avoiding the big crowded areas subconciously. I finally, after I don't know how long, had enough and deemed the night a success in the name of self improvement. I drive home.

I felt empty on the drive home. Like there was no success at all. In fact, I felt sad. Sad of the fact that I drove around downtown, barely as an observer, trying to find something I don't even understand. I was also sad of the fact that my work friend didn't answer my text. I then realize it was Valentines Day weekend, and his girlfriend and he, and like many other couples, were probably out celebrating or making an occasion out of it. At that moment, I felt like the loneliest man on Earth with a side of embarrassment. Then, my regrets collected like old friends. One by one they came to re-live my darkest moments.
iogamma iogamma
2 Responses Feb 12, 2012

Today.. My housemate showed me a gift he was wrapping for his girlfriend and i asked if it was her birthday. <br />
Then I made mashed potatoes because the valentines day of 30 Rock had liz lemon eating a martini filled with mashed potatoes.<br />
<br />
Happy Birthday

Awww, thats a sad story. You know anybody looking on at other people interacting with each other and having fun is bound to feel alone and isolated. Its not something you should push yourself to do. Maybe save travelling downtown until you are with some friends. There are things you can do alone without feeling like an outsider. You could join an evening class? Maybe meet some new friends and learn a new skill? Afterwards there may well be a social element? Or if you have spare time, you could volunteer with a charity a few evenings a month. They would be very glad of your help and your time. <br />
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If your friend is attached its gotta be tough being the tag along and that probably isn't helping your self-esteem. You sound as if you are in a low place right now. I hope you aren't feeling too bad about the whole incident. It will pass and fade, and you can move on with your life without beating yoursellf up about nothing really. What did you do thats so wrong? You just forgot it was Valentines weekend which is perfectly understandable when you werent planning on celebrating it. Your friend will totally understand.<br />
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Take care and be kinder to yourself