Just A Foreigner

Don't know how my story will fit in here, and if anyone will bother reading it. I am actually a very friendly person,most of the guys will even call me attractive, my family loves me(except my father who left when I was 6 but i really try not to take it personally) and I even have some good friends back at home. so what is the problem? well, infact there are 2 maggior issues in my life, one of them is that i recently moved to Italy to study, and the second problem, is with me my entire life. when I was a kid i had no friends, seriously, I had absolutely no one to even sit with me at lunch break, no one played with me or invited me to join the game, no one, it's not like someone teased me or was mean to me, I was just air. simply nobody. I grew up with books, in my own world of dreams, I don't remember much, i just remember not understanding why nobody wants to be my friend, I was so nice, really. as I grew up it strated bothering me, i started crying at nights, writing letters to myself, trying to make friends with anyone, I used to fake icq adresses so people in my class would talk to me. eventualy I adopted a dog to be my best friend. my family and i didn't get along as a risult, every birthday i used to spend by myself, eating alone cake in my room. when i finally had friends i was 18 years old, i stopped wearing boys clothes and started getting dress like a girl, putting make up on, going out with my new friends. suddenly guys were noticing me, suddenly i am SOMEONE. I used my new confidence to get more friends, I had life, I had a boyfriend, i've changed my name, i've changed everything about me and suddenly I became like everybody else. I had a boyfriend, good friends, everything i've ever wanted.
and then i've decided to come here.
I don't regret my choise, I really want to become a Doctor. but was it realy the way?

I sit here alone after feeling so lost. my roomate is not talking to me for 3 days now, and he is my only friend in this city. when i came here with him i was sure it will be awaesome, he is gay, so no tention, and he is not a girl so there will be no fightings. my god how wrong i was. he is the most selfish, self centered and emotional person i have ever met. I had to be so carfull around him, and when i slipped he just cursed me and stoped talking to me at all. so it's not enogh i am alone, i have to be locked in my room..
I have no one, people smile to me sometimes, maybe even talk to me for 5 seconds or say hello, but thats it. I am a foreign to them, they can be nice to me but they will never wanna hang out with me, and why would they? i can't even have normal conversation with them, i am not one of them and i will never be. I sat the entire lesson ones and cried, an no one, even not the people next to me, had noticed. thats how alone I am.
I miss my life so much, i wanna go home but i know i can't. I can't fail.
my mother is getting devorced for the second time,my dog has cancer, and even my country is a mess right now. I have no where to go to right now, I don't even know how am I going to get through tommorow without having someone to go to eat with me at lunch.
for my family and friends i have new life here but for the italians my life will always be in my country.

I feel so alone, so lost right now, i can't do this anymore, I can't sleep or study. I keep thinking about this little girl, coming to her first day in kindergarden, with her mom, so eager to make freinds, just to end up alone. and now i know that it is back, and this time for good.

I just can't...

I don't know if anyone will bother reading it all,especialy since english is not my mother language, but at least it felt good letting it all out, it's almost like i have someone to talk to again.
RM1990 RM1990
22-25, F
Dec 2, 2012