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Where Did I Go Wrong?

I met and married my high school sweat heart.  At the time I married him I thought it was not right.  But, when your a catholic girl and according to my mother I was damaged goods.  After three kids and 17 years into the relationship, I could not do this anymore.  Robert had a very bad using problem and with that comes the behavior of hurting me. I did not want my daughter's to grow up thinking that this is the way women should be treated.  I had a choice to make and the choice was to leave the relationship.  I remember the day I sat the children at the table and said "Do you think we should all stay with daddy or go?".  I will never forget the look or the words that flowed so freely out of my daughter Jessica's mouth.  "We're leaving and were moving to Wisconsin by Papa and Grandma".  This coming from a girl who just loved life and everyone.  I thought to myself, this is a sign from God and Jessica words I should listen to.  I did not know at the time that leaving him would not stop the pain or the hurt that he would bring to family.  Robert brought me to court 17 times on motions. The motions ranged from "She does not answer the phone."  or "It's her fault the kids don't want to see me."  When the kids would go to his home there was always crying and anger.  When they returned home they were so angry with me and it always seemed to take two days before they would settle back into the routine of there life's.  This went on for years.  Finally my daughter Jessica said to me "I don't care what you say I am not going to dad's house anymore."  Once again Robert had us in front of the judge.  The judge met with Jessica privately in his chambers and when he returned to his bench he looked very angry.  The thoughts that ran thou my mind was "I am in contempt of court and my kids are going to be taken away."  It was hard not to think that because Robert was always kind enough to remind me of this at least twice a week.  But the judge turned to Robert and said "Jessica does not have to go to your house ever again. He also stated to Robert that the next time he brought me into court to make sure he brought his tooth brush because he would be spending allot of time next door in jail."  I could feel a tear run down my face.  I love my children and would do what ever it takes to make them feel safe and secure.  I always worked two jobs and made sure my children had what the things that other children had plus more.  Soon after the divorce my father died.  This was like the end of my world.  This man who jumped into save me was gone and he was not coming back.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and just die.  I could feel the life as I knew it gone.  I had lost a brother years earlier, but that was different then loosing your dad.  My mother loved her sons and my dad loved me.  I was never the favorite, but I was the only girl.  I was daddy's girl.  Once again Jessica came into my bedroom and said "Mommy, I love you!"  Those were the words I needed to hear.  I ran my fingers Thur her long hair and just held her so tightly.  Would this little girl ever know how much she could move me?  Did she ever know how wonderful it was to watch her come out of her room all dressed up for play and with those heals on as she was in her fantasy world.  Jessica never wanted to grow up and I never wanted Jessica to grow up.  I wanted her little forever.  Anita my oldest was always in a hurry to grow up.  Anita is always in a hurry still to this day.  I wish she would just take a moment to stop and think and enjoy her life.  I look at Anita and my heart breaks.  She is a Minnnie me.  I try to tell her been there done that.  The only one Anita is fooling is Anita.  Anita is with a man who is just like her father and I see the pain and life sucked out of her.  The girl that once believe in herself now holds two children and undertakes the mean words from the man she says she loves.  It's so painful for a mother to watch.  My baby Anita who was always in a hurry for life.  Robbie my only son came to me at 12 years old and said he wanted to live with his dad.  After being with us girls his whole life he wanted to spend time with his dad.  My heart broke in half.  I let him go-I could have fought it, but if Robbie felt this is what he wanted to do, I must let him.  Now my son is 16 years old and he has very little time for his family.  He's at the age where boys want to run and play with there friends.  He has allot of his father in him and I can only hope that he has allot of his mother in him also.  He still like me to rub his head and baby him when he comes over.  But, I can't help but think I had my children to young and I am lonely.  I am lonely for the yesterdays when they were all home and the house was filled with noise.  I miss my babies and cry allot.  I have never been a big crier and lately these days my eyes hurt allot.  To be 43 and have no kids at home is sad time.  I pray that God will bring something into my life to help fill the void.  But, so far all I have been brought is men that are so close to my x-husband.  I would like to to move to Florida where the sun shines all the time.  Do you think this is something I should do?  This has always been a dream of mine.  I feel  scared and alone.  I am so overwhelmed with life.  I can see why people end their lives and I could never say that before.  But, maybe the best part was the past and the worst is the future.   

karebear10 karebear10 41-45, F 1 Response Mar 6, 2010

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It makes me angry when I think about what our civil courts put our families through. But thank God the Judge had the smarts to pull your daughter aside. What a relief that must have felt like? I don't know how you are feeling about your kids being gone but I can only imagine. I only have one, 13, girl, and I have thought for brief seconds what I'm going to do when she is gone. You are still young enough to live another whole lifetime. Why don't you make what you want of it now that you have gained some wisdom? You deserve it. If you want to move to Florida, do it. You go girl. Starting your life over is a scary thought but look what you have been through and you are still here. That takes strength, that takes guts. Go. Be happy.