Now More Than Before
I guess in some ways I always have looked, at least on some level.
Tried a lot of different ways of getting there. Even came close a few times...I think, maybe, sorta.
I know a lot of people think I'm calm, collected, cool headed. But they have no idea the inner turmoil that I have.
Inside I am a train wreck, just waiting to happen. It's sometimes not just a force of will that keeps me together, but literally a physical effort. I don't want this.
I almost had myself believing I had gained some ground and was reaching my goal of inner peace. Until I met someone who had it. It was something intangible that radiated from this person. He could be just as rowdy and loud and boisterous as the rest of the crew, but there was still this something at his core, the essence of who he was, that was at peace.
It was something we talked about, frequently. I learned that that peace had been hard earned for him. He had had to make peace with and then let go of huge chunks of his past. I want that.
I want the inner storms of my life to pass, and blow over. I want to let go of all the negative bs that has infected my life.
Now, knowing what I want. Defining it. That's the easy part.
Learning how, and actually following that path. That's hard work.
Not sure how this will all come out. Just know that I'm tired of fighting my life to live. So my search begins.