See You Soon?

I've never told anyone this. I've never even tried to explain why I can't keep a relationship for more than three months or why it hurts to even try. I can't even remember when it happened. I think, maybe, it's always been there. I just know that this little piece of my soul has always felt...out of whack, for a lack of a better expression. I was a freshman in high school when I first "saw" him. And it has happened two times since then. To be blunt, they aren't pleasant. I won't go into detail, because I might get sent to a looney-binn or cry, but it's pretty awful. In these times that I "see" him, I can never see him. I know that sounds even weirder than everything else, but I can't! His eyes are always closed, the view is always from the shoulders up, and it's more like a silhouette than anything else. And it continues to get weirder. I’ve got this connection with ancient Egypt, Victorian times, and the early 1900’s. I’m convinced his names starts with an “S”, gut feeling I suppose.
I’ve re-searched it all. I figured I was either a) schizophrenic or b) searching for my soul mate from a past life. Then, one day, I came across the subject of twin-flames. I dug into it, finding anything I could get my hands on and found it was relating to so much of what I felt. Don’t get me wrong, I still wonder if I’m option A, but until that is proved I’m looking for him in every stranger I pass. I want this ache to go away. I want to stop imagining him holding me and actually feel it. I want to stop day-dreaming about him. I've tried to forget about him, tried to safely ween myself off of thinking about him and I always break down and come back.
If God or whatever other deity is out there decides I should never meet him in this life, all I ask is that I get to see him once before I die. Even if I don’t know it’s him. Until then, I write to him. I tell him about my day and how much I miss him and I'm almost positive he is sick of my complaining :). I give you my story very gingerly and in hopes that you know this pain as I do and maybe have found the cure. Good luck to all the single souls and – Just call me the “Seeker”. I love you, whoever you are. See you soon.
XseeyousoonX XseeyousoonX
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 15, 2012

You're not alone in experiencing this and I know how you feel, to some extent anyway. I dream of and love a girl whom I can't fully see (like what you see she's only from the shoulders up), although she's more of a blur than a silhouette. She comes as more of a feeling than a face. As with yours there's also associations with Egypt and the early 1900's. To be honest I have little idea who she is, only that I love her.