I'M John

Hi, I'm John. I'm depressed and anxious every hour of every day. From the time I was 4 or 5 to when I was 14 I was constantly physically and mentally abused by my father. In highschool I was bullied, humiliated, and jumped on a regular basis until I dropped out and earned my G.E.D. I'm 19 now, but before I get to that, I'll discuss a few events from the past 2 or 3 years. When I left high school and started G.E.D classes, I started to become a complete recluse. After leaving school I lost contact with my friends, they stopped answering my calls and I realized I was completely alone. The rejection from my group of friends and past experiences with my father and other siblings lead me lose all remorse and faith in the rest of the world. I enjoyed staying home and listening/writing music. My trust in the world was gone and I was convinced I was alone. Living with memories of my childhood and past paired with the two years of solitude has changed me. Mentally, things don't feel like they did before. I feel like an alien everywhere I am. After a year and a half of no contact with anyone apart from my mother and the random people I would see at the occasional trip to the store, my old friend from elementary school reached out to me. He invited me over and I met his friends. Long story short, slowly I reached out to him more and hung around with his friends. This inspired me to start going to local shows (bands) in basements and garages again, which lead to me starting a band, which is where I am now. This all happened very fast and I have trouble remember a lot of my past. Entire chapters of my life have been erased in my head. I don't know who I am anymore, and I feel like I was never anyone to begin with. I walk around with an emptiness in my chest that haunts everything I do. I lie to myself and be someone that I'm not to my friends because I feel like they won't like who I actually am. I don't know who I actually am. I feel completely trapped in my own mind. If I don't have plans to do something or I can't occupy my time to my satisfaction I immediately have a panic attack and hyperventilate. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I wouldn't mind talking to someone and hearing about their stories as well.

Edit- One thing I forgot to mention is that as of now, I'm in a bad place, and any advice would be appreciated