Not Sure What To Do!

I have been married for 15 years and have just realized that I'm not truly in love with my wife. A few years ago we went through a tough patch. She started seeing several people without my knowledge to put it kindly. We split for a little while and I was at a point that I was ready to move on. She decided that she couldn't leave me for good and begged me to stay. I'm such a softy that I agreed, if she would go to a counselor. Things were pretty good for a while...the counselor suggested that she needed some meds to help her deal with life, and that helped a lot.
I don't know if its age or the pain I was put through, but I have been examining my life and realized something. I don't think I have every truly been in love with her. I care about her and on some level do love her, but the thing is I don’t worship the ground she walks on. I don’t really enjoy being with her and would much rather be by myself. I feel as we are just close friends, who happen to have kids together. I was hoping that someday I would fall back in love with her, but I’m starting to think that isn’t going to happen. I don’t want to hurt her and so I keep my mouth shut and do nothing.
Here is the thing that bothers me most. Next week she goes Boston for work and I have made arrangements to go up for the weekend. I wasn’t thinking it was to be some big romantic getaway, however; she does. She asked if I had any romantic things planned. I was honest and said no. She didn’t like that and was kind of pissed. I said I would try to think of something and that didn’t really help the situation. Has anyone ever tried to be romantic, when that don’t really like the person. For the life of me I can’t bring myself to think of anything. I feel anything I do will be fake and go unappreciated. I’m not sure what to do.
greer72 greer72
36-40, M
5 Responses Jul 27, 2012

I been together with my husband 21 years married 3 have 3 children one 19, 6 and 3yr old .I know that I am with the wrong person very selfish man. I know that I am not in love with him. Move on that is exactly what I plan to do.

Hi Greer72, I am no marriage expert and so would not even begin to advise you, I will however give you the name of an author, Dr. Gary Chapman who has written a book called "The 5 Love Languages". Now I know what you might be going to say, but, spend the money (not much) read the book (not long) and take the questionnaire in the back and then give it to your wife to do the same. You might be surprised. This insightful man has saved thousands of marriages, and the marriages have improved beyond expectation.
Doesn't work, go ahead then and make the change to remove yourself from the marriage and do so knowing you've done your best.
Good luck to you.

I totally disagree with the other people who commented on your post. She cheated on you.. With more than one person.. Then selfishly asked you to stay. Just the fact that you would stay says a lot about who you are as a person. To many people, it may seem weak. I think that you are strong and care about your family and that is why you tried to stay. When a person violates the relationship like your wife did, it is only natural for you to not feel love for her anymore. All marriages have little fibs. You know like when you say you spent $25 on something when it really cost $40. Etc. stuff like that is silly, but normal. When it comes to actively hurting the other person and then expecting things from them... If she was sorry and really loved you, she would be the one trying to make it right. Not expecting you to plan romance for her. Letting go of our attachments and realizing that in order to have healthy relationships, we have to search within. What made you choose someone dishonest and selfish? What do you need to change to have the life you deserve? Let go. It's not selfish. You have one life to live. Why waste anymore time with someone who clearly doesn't love you. Just do it with respect and take every precaution to be there for your kids! Been there... Whatever you decide.. Good luck:)

You need to realize that your life doesn't revolve around your feelings, and your kids need you to keep your family together. You made a vow to this woman to be her partner, and even if you don't feel like worshiping the ground she walks on, you've committed yourself to this partnership. It's too late to back out - you have obligations to her and your children. Be a man and honour your promises.

I understand what you are going thru. I feel the same way with my husband. I have been married for 15 years now. We had some ups and downs. We are trying to make it right now, but I don't see it happening. I feel numb..I am just taking it one day at time because of my kids. I know that I love him but not in love with him. I feel like my soul is still searching for the right guy. I could see the life I wanted to live playing in mind like a sad..I feel sad and lonely most of the time but I don't show anything because I have to be strong for my kids and I am tired of fighting with him. So, yeah, I know how you feel.