I've Totally Lost It...

The last couple of days have been complete hell for me.  Jordan, my best friend (or .. was), hasn't talked to me since before May.  And three of my other friends, Gabby, Kiley and Savannah .. they don't talk to me anymore either.  My whole world is falling apart without them.  It's happened to me before.  Like two years ago, no one wanted to be around me.  Then last year, I got some friends, a boyfriend... Lost all of them because I started to cut.  Well now, I have no idea what I did to make them so mad at me.  So I'm basically up every night thinking about what the **** I did wrong... I've slept maybe.. 10 hours in the past eleven days.  Yeah, how pathetic am I?

So.. Getting to the point.  I haven't aten for the longest time, haven't slept, I've cried so many times I've lost track, I break down constantly when I'm not around anyone.  I now smoke, drink and I've overdosed once.  I'm getting into weed.  Which is totally gay, but I have no self control.  Jordan is the only one who knows how to keep me in line.  Before she came into my life, I was a complete wreck.  And now that she doesn't even acknoledge me... I've lost it. 

I don't think it's just about Jordan though.  I think it's the whole fact about living. I hate it.  I come off as such a bubbly person, but I cry myself to sleep every night, all I can think about is when I'm going to leave this hell whole place we call Earth.  I don't even recognize my voice nowadays... I can't look in the mirror because I'm scared to see the person I've become.  akdlfaldfkad;fl

I hate life.

danosaur danosaur
18-21, F
3 Responses May 29, 2007

Keep others at arm's length. That attitude is related to the psychological attitude of "worry." Worrying (or defensiveness) is physically as well as psychologically harmful, a fact that most are completely unaware.<br />
<br />
If you are religious, the Bible says God doesn't want you to worry. If you're not, keep in mind that worry about what others say or do - other than physical assault - serves no purpose whatsoever. Fear, worry and defensiveness are not because of others. It's because of us individually; we allow it to affect us. <br />
<br />
Others are just as flawed. The fact that they attempt to psychologically assault is proof of that. A completely stable person doesn't do that. They do it because they have their own problems.<br />
<br />

Hey, how did things work out?

It sucks to lose friends I've been through it SO many times. Because I moved and lived in three different counties. I left all my best friends in Germany (ex best friends) that was 3 years ago and of course everyone has moved on and I don't hear from them anymore, they didn't even call on my 18 birthday. Well I found new friends. Did you talk to your old friends???????? You must have done something or they misunderstood something cuz nobody can just stop talking to someone for no reason. You should definitely talk to them and if they don't want to talk and ignore you then write them a letter or email.........best luck and keep ya head up girl hugzzzz