Competing With Christ

My best friend is the best. She's the most beautiful. The most intelligent. The most enigmatic. The most supportive. The most honest. She's also the loudest, the most shocking, sometimes the rudest and always the hardest to handle. For 13 years she was my best friend in that all consuming way young women do friendship, where the whole world is outside of your inside jokes and where you speak a language most people hear as high pitched screaming. We fought like friends do of course, but the fights never mattered because when you consider someone blood nothing can come between you, right?

Skip to 1 year ago when my best friend told me she wanted to get more in touch with her Christian roots. I very honestly supported her then, what could attending church hurt, right? There's something you should know about Claire. Claire doesn't just attend church. Just like she never just did drugs casually, or horseback rode for pleasure, or cut down on sugar, or worked out at the gym on a healthy schedule. Claire does ALL the drugs, gets into debt and trouble, then she quits. Claire goes to the gym EVERYDAY at 5 am gets obsessed with clean eating, gets defeated by small failures, then she quits. Claire announces she has a serious sugar addiction, cuts it out entirely, craves it more than ever, and caves. Claire buries herself in debt to study equestrian studies, citing her passion as her reasoning, then gets an entry level position totally unrelated to her study and never mentions pursuing it again. I think you get the idea...Claire doesn't just go to church. Within a couple of months, my best friend, who attended an arts high school and has two gay uncles, believed in homosexuality as a sexual sin. My best friend who rolled her eyes at extremists, starting using social media websites to publish a constant stream of scripture, shout outs to Jesus, and underhanded comments to her non believing friends, including my personal favorite, which was that like it or not, we were already saved, all we had to do was "show up". Claire is head over heels in love with Jesus Christ. She attends church 3-5 times a week. She was re- baptized and is now celibate. She leads youth groups and pushes her siblings (with two agnostic parents) to join. She is quietly judgmental and hard to talk to about anything other than church. She is always too busy for her best friend. But she's also happy. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you are the best, most beautiful, most intelligent, most enigmatic person anywhere you go. Sometimes some people just always have that deep deep void, and for some people, for Claire, the only thing that can fill it is Jesus. After 13 years of being like a sister to me, my best friend is now almost a complete stranger to me. The irony is that if I could choose, I wouldn't take this from her. I wouldn't choose for her to be lost and empty deep inside again. Because for the first time in my life I may finally understand her. Losing Claire is the most painful breakup Ive ever gone through. Its left a void in me maybe only God could fill. Maybe thats why I catch myself praying to the God I don't believe in to take me too, show me, touch me, reach me, too. Competing with Christ? Who am I kidding, that's one holy war I wouldn't fight even if I thought I could win.
LAChristie LAChristie
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 11, 2013