Best Friend To Painful Memory

It sucks to realize that the friendship doesn't hold the same weight to everybody. Some people can have many friends they're not very close to. I can't imagine that. I can only have one or two friends at a time. To me, friendship is one of the deepest, most important, and most personal things a person can experience in life. To me, it goes before everything.. academics, boyfriends, even sleep. To me, friendship is something you never want to take for granted, or put off until a more convenient time. It's a priority. Not only is it that, but it's a necessity. But that's just me. Because it's hard for me to make friends. In order to do so, I put so much trust, and dependency, and care into the relationship. It's sensitive, and it's strong. It may take a lot for me to make a friend, but it takes much more away from me to lose one. Because my goal was to never say goodbye. My goal was to always be there. But what am I supposed to do when I'm not wanted there anymore? What do I do then? At that point, I am utterly alone.

Tell me, when was the last time you asked me how I am? It's honestly been months. I've waited for you to ask me. There have been times I've NEEDED you to. There are some things that have happened within the past few months that would have broken you to hear, but I don't feel like I can talk to you at all. And I don't know why I've had to go to bed, trying not to cry, because a few minutes to hear how things have been for me isn't worth it. I've asked you, over and over again. I've tried being there for you when you were heartbroken. I've tried being there when you were lonely, and angry, and feeling ignored. And I tried. I tried to be open for you to come to. But when was the last time you were open for me? I've never asked anything of you. But to me, friendship is a two way street and I haven't seen any traffic coming my way in a long time. Honestly, the only times you've volunteered to talk to me lately were when you came to me to vent to me about something that's been annoying or saddening you, or to ask a trifling question, or occasionally talk about your hair/clothes/makeup. Do you know how much it hurts to hear someone complain to you that they feel ignored by another person when you've felt ignored by them? Do you know how much it hurts to feel like all you're good for is being the last resort? The desperate remedy?

If I were to be completely honest, I feel like a garbage disposal. I get to be there whenever you need to shovel some trash out to clear your mind. And I'm always willing to take it, and I never ask anything in return. But it feels like I'm the one selfish out of this. Because I'm the one feeling empty.

We used to talk about everything. Nothing would be missed and nothing would be awkward. What was going on in each others' lives was important. But now, now there are things tucked into couch cushions and hidden in potted plants everywhere, purposefully left alone. They may not all be secrets, per say. But there are now things not worth talking about. There are all these new rules to talk to you that I do not understand. Nothing was taboo before, but now I'm scared to bring up anything that could be mildly personal. I feel like trying to talk about something that remotely resembles anything more than skin-deep offends you or you give short, half-assed replies and I'm still trying to understand. I'm trying to get used to it but it's hard for me. It's hard for me to move on.

It would be easier if you just totally dropped me out of your life. But it feels like you're just barely keeping me around, for a reason I can't figure out. Maybe because it keeps your parents from worrying, or maybe you like having somebody always willing to listen. Maybe you just feel obligated because I still care. I'm like the nitwit family member you have to write Christmas cards to even though you don't want to, but you're so used to that you do occasionally, out of habit.

You think you're the same person that you left at home for college. But I can't recognize you. I'm here, lonely, trying to adjust, and I feel selfish for wasting your time. How did it get to the point where I could feel like I was wasting your time? Honestly, I wish I could be mad at you. I wish I could be angry and drop the friendship and stomp off and never turn back. But I can't, for whatever stupid reason. I just hurt. A lot. I feel like a kicked dog just waiting for things to be okay again. It's starting to look like thinks will just keep going the opposite direction from what I'm used to. And I try not to believe it, or show it hurts, but it keeps surfacing. I am so alone. I have nobody to go to. I don't know what to do anymore, but I do know that I can't handle much more.
mirrorscantlie mirrorscantlie
18-21, F
Jan 13, 2013