I Beat Heroin And Got My Life Back But I Feel Like Im Losing My Mind

Sorry if  this is short and sweet but right at this moment my whole life is disintegrating before my eyes and I fell powerless to stop it.  Ive worked EXTREMELY hard to get where I am, I was a heroin addict for ten years spent a lot of my adult life in and out of prison. I got addicted to heroin because it was the only thing that stopped me thinking and feeling, I wanted oblivion. I was raped when I was 17, I often wish it had happened when i was so young i wopuldnt remember, heroin meant i didnt have to think about it anymore. Now the heroin and the methadone has gone its all come flooding back with vengeance, they said that when i came off all the drugs that it might feel like 'a cloud has been lifted from your mind', i was looking forward to it, i thought i was gonna wake up one morning and feel as fresh as a daisy. Instead I startd having the most horrendous nightmares and, well, the word flashback kinda implies it 'flashed' out of mind as quick as it flashed in, but it doesn't I play the same eevnts over and over again in my head til I want it to stop so bad that I want to take my life. In my life i've only ever been close to one person, and now my inability to have even a close friendship has meant that ive really really hurt someone i love very much and I just want to die. I cant top myself because I love my mum very much and I know it would destroy her, I cant talk to her tho. I dont want to write any more a minute

adamsgoneawol adamsgoneawol
26-30, M
1 Response Mar 2, 2010

Dear Adam, I am sorry you are feeling the pain<br />
you have tried to block for so long but I've heard<br />
from psychology books that once you can feel<br />
pain and process it instead of blocking it<br />
out eventually you will start to feel better. U<br />
also need to get involved in to normal <br />
activities everyday like working, going back to<br />
school or the gym, so that you can be sorrounded<br />
by people and feeling like your living a normal<br />
life even though you may not feel like you can<br />
connect with people but maybe after awhile<br />
you will let your guard down. I know what it's<br />
like to feel like you can't talk to your mum about<br />
what ur thinking and feeling cause we always<br />
want our parents to think we are ok and not<br />
worry them. Does ur mum know about the rape?<br />
I think you should defenitely talk to a coucillor<br />
or therapist so they can help you process<br />
your feelings about the rape and help you<br />
with coping strategies. I find it hard to connect<br />
with people and open up about my thoughts <br />
and feelings and make new friends too because<br />
I am afraid and scared to let people in