I'll Miss You So Much, Mom.
Two years ago in the fall of '07 was probably the most turbulent time of my life. This is when I had to face my mom's mortality. In late October, they found blood clots in her leg. Late November, she had a seizure in her leg.. had tests done.. found out she had brain cancer and lung cancer, which has since spread to her spine.. and probably other areas.
My 18th birthday was right inbetween all this smack dab in the middle of November.
I remember we threw her a surprise birthday party that September in the basement. She wasn't sick then but for some reason it felt sentimental. She cried when we surprised her.. everything felt final for some reason...
A year and a half later, she is still fighting cancer, but I don't think she'll be fighting it for long. There's not much more the doctors can do for her.
We don't talk about the fact that she's dying. We don't even really know how much time she has left because she doesn't want to know.. and neither do we. I guess everything is implied. So right now, I'm spending as much time with her as I can. She's on her last chemo treatment, so I guess after this treatment, everything will be downhill.
It's hard seeing her like this. She used to be the one taking care of me not too long ago... now I'm the one taking care of her. She can barely walk. It's a 10 minute project just to get into a vehicle. She can't walk up any stairs. She refuses a wheelchair because she's stubborn. My little sister is graduating high school this month and she'll be able to see that. She's a mother of 5 and a grandmother to 3 children.. soon to be 4 at the end of July. I hope she'll be able to see her.
I'll miss this woman so much, you have no idea. I cry every time I think about the pain we will have to go through. I'm scared of seeing everyone around me sad. I'm scared of seeing my father suffer. It will have such a huge impact on all of us. I feel like I would have to escape to heal. I don't even know what I'm going to do.
This is what you put your loved ones through every time you smoke a cigarette. I have told her to quit for years... now it's too late. She quit when she was diagnosed, when the reality that she was dying from it hit her.