Days...

I guess it started when my dad left my mother when I was eleven years old, I just got angry with him and it fractured me. I have always been a nice person and it's not like my life is bad, I have a place to live, I can afford food, and all the little things I need. I just have no aim I guess where I am going, or motivation to continue forward. I feel like at the age of twenty-six I am just watching myself getting old in the mirror and that the spirit of life I use to have is no longer there. I am a gay man, and I don't push that in everyone's face but I am different and no one understands that it is hard for me to find other mates. I am principled and I don't really believe in a religion and never will they are monstrous. This doesn't mean that I hate religious people I just hate what it does to people. Putting this aside I still celebrate holidays just to fit in, and I lost weight from when I was young. I guess I just have this depression that clouds my mind and takes over all the time....Sorry if this hard to follow, I don't tell my own stories very well. I play Warcraft to hide from my life and don't have many real friends anymore and I just want to break out of it. I have problems just finding people that have the same interests I do, and I am not fat anymore but I still think I need to lose weight to be desirable. I weight 235, I lift weights and do jog every workout. 6'3" is my height, so as your mind could maybe put together I am not fat, but need to work on that belly anyway with butt. I am writing this on a work shift on a sunny Sunday afternoon because no one shops that much here on Sunday. I had a boy friend who was twenty years old and I let him in my heart...idiot me, I knew it wasn't going to work and we broke up a little bit ago. I guess what I am trying to point out in this whole thing is that I am not in as bad of a spot in life as many but I just have trouble seeing the sunlight like others do anymore. I love sunny days but the days just fade past me and it's not like I try to make it better...I just work out with either a horrible angered face or just depressed face. Last night in my game we raided, I had to step out early because I just beginning to cry...I am alone, I promised that I wouldn't be by this point. I am playing this game and I still haven't done anything in my life...I wasted time, money, my life on this for what reward? What am I doing? Questions I ask all the time and I can never answer I want change just don't do it, I want to quit the game but there is nothing else to do. I can't say that I am usually happy anymore because now...I am just usually dark and quiet. I was fun at one point...and I lost my train of thought while posting this..**** if it changes anything...I just want to start fixing my life I just can't put together this time after doing, and trying so many times before. I am going insane, and I want to stop this before it gets worse.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 20, 2013