I Am Lost and Soon I Will Be Forgotten

Today could be a beautiful day, but instead its raining again inside my head. I have been lost for 2 years now and soon I will be forgotten.

I have moved around within the past 4 years; several times. I did not necessarily cut ties off with anyone, but when you move away, people tend to forget you, or maybe I am someone that is easy to forget. The only person I have in my life now seems to hate me. I think he is punishing me, because when he was in Iraq, I cheated on him.

Yes I am an Army girlfriend, satisfied with being one? No. (For many reasons I will not discuss yet). But I am. Why....because the person I fell in love with 4 years ago was the light in my life, it was like breathing air that have never been altered by the worlds unpurities. But it was me who made the relationship unpure, within on single action, on one single night. Why did I do what I did....I really don't know. I was enduring my life, the usual way, work, school but I was also under a lot of stress from my boyfriend, his stress was steaming off his daily scares and frusterations of being in a combat zone. But he really layered the pressure on me, everything I did was never enough, it was not enough to write him twice a day, it was not enough to send him all the packages I sent him every week, freak...man; he had a massager in the middle of the war zone, he had darts, games, all sorts of food, signs I made him, burned CD's. Yes I spoiled him unconditionally because I loved him. But yet the amount of stress of him from being a combat mortar was portrayed in our short phone talks, where he constantly seemed upset with me. I tried and tried to have some empathy and understand that it was the current situation that was making him be angry and mean to me; but I could not have empathy I could not even come near to understanding his pain, his losses, his sufferings. And without my understanding of this, I too then became, angry, bitter  and frusterated at our situation. Maybe thats why I turned to infidelity, maybe not. I am not sure how I came to do it, to be this person who embodied a lie... to be quite honest. Nonetheless I told him of my mistake when he returned to the states, and we stayed together for awhile to only break up in the next state I followed him too.

The break up was blamed on my infidelity and it came after I already transitioned to a different state with him, (as in the military you need to get use to relocation). Now in a new state I was alone, and fine with it... maybe I deserved it to understand who I was; take time to contemplate my actions.

Well him and I have recently gotten back together over Christmas, maybe he felt bad for me, staying in this state, being alone over the holidays....he cheered me up a lot, bought me sweet gifts, invited me out with his friends; he has always been able to make friends easily, he is a chatterbox, with a charamistic smile and not bad on the eyes as well. As for me...I tend to hide in the back, lay low and sip on my glass of wine quietly and swiftly.

Well we are together again...but I am still feeling alone, now I just feel like a housewife, (even when I do have a job working in a corporate atmosphere 50+hrs a week). He is an Army recruiter now, the military figured that after three 15 month combat tours they should give him a desk job. Well if you know anything about Army recruiter, they work MAD hours, like 70+ hrs a week sometimes! So I take care of our household, laundry, cooking, cleaning, our 2 dogs; and I am going back to school next month. I feel sad, and alone a lot; because I feel like what I did gave him an excuse to be mean to me, or less loving, things are definantely not like they were when we first met. I rarely get the attention or nurturement that he used to give to me. He used to tell me how he put me on this "pedastool" of people in his life. Well, I am completely bumped off that now; Hell... I don't even figure myself as a priority to him anymore; he would rather work, go to the gun range and hang out with his friends, than acknowledge the extra time he has could be helping me with "OUR" life, or just  spend some time relaxing and conversating with me. He makes me feel needy, hopeless and forgotten. I think he does it because he has a grudge, over what I have done to our once picture perfect life. But I will tell you one thing, nothing in the world is truly picture perfect, when a war is going on, and your losing family and friends, and it does not feel close to picture perfect when your working 70 hrs a week, and don't have time for nearly anything else. I feel guilty about the past and I don't think it will ever stop hurting us, and therefore I am unsure we even have a future. But at the same time I feel like its unfair the way my life is these days....I think he has forgotten me, the Me he fell in love with; I know I too have forgotten the me I used to love.

lostandnowforgotten lostandnowforgotten
1 Response Feb 12, 2009

I agree with Dorobo; I think we both need therapy, doesn't everyone though! well I know he has PTSD, and I know I need to be able to forgive myself if he can forgive me, so I do understand I have some demons inside of me to release. And I agree with you also: Celainn; he tells me that all the time, things can never go back and just be the same, he is a different person now, I just am not sure I can accept it because he seems heartless at times. Thanks for the input and support.