Lost And Confused

Well here is my story I am 25 and a mother to a very beautiful 6 year old little girl. I am currently trying to get back on my feet but it seems as though it is just one bad thing after another and granted some of the things could have been prevented but others I had no control over so I guess I will tell you about what is going on and see if anyone could give me any type of insight or advice or even just a listening ear because sometimes thats all I need. I was married to my daughters father for about 3 years we lived in California for 2 years before I finally left it was a mutual decision I think that what happened there was that we were both just a little to young and stupid we met in high school and got married only because his parents and the fact that we were having a child looking back at that now it was a mistake to get married because of a child. After returning to my home town after we split I was doing okay for myself I had family and friends and a job and a car and thats when it had started because I missed out on my childhood due to family issues which a whole different story and the fact that  I got myself into a a situation that would change my life forever (getting pregnant at 18) I had felt the need to be the young teenager that I missed out on being I went a little crazy and was at the bars and I was content being the way that I was and living the life I was. I was being selfish towards myself and more importantly my daughter I realize this now and feel awful for doing that, during this time of me being selfish I met a guy and feel in love with him, his son, and his family I thought he was to good to be true in all reality it seems as though he just wanted me for one thing to begin with and ended up falling for me (or so he says ) I am not sure that I believe that...... he has cheated on me several times and lies to me all the time to even when he knows he is already caught in a lie. We have been together off and on for almost 2 years and the last time he cheated he begged me not to go so I told him that It would be my way or no way ( I should have known better I suppose it is because I just want to feel truely loved by someone but the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink ) I told him that if he really wanted to make it work with me that I was moving in and he would change his number and delete all the girl that were not willing to hang out around him when I was there and of course all of the girls that he had cheated on me with, well needless to say that about the only thing that happened was me moving in after I moved in i lost my job, I used my income taxes to buy a car which turned out to be yet again another bad choice because the car broke down a month later I found out I was pregnant got my car fixed well sort of my transmission had went out so I got that taken care of but I needed to get cv axles and fix my lights Shortly after getting my transmission fixed I lost the baby I didn't handle losing the baby well I felt as though I was alone and had no support which caused a strain in my already struggling relationship after all of this happening my niece whom was sick since birth got very ill we all knew that it was going to happen but it is so hard to have a child in your life that never had a chance she was 2 years old when she passed it was 15 days before what would have been her 3rd birthday this i also did not handle well after that it caused more of a strain on my relationship so needless to say we got into a fight and split up I moved out of his house and came to stay with a friend who happens to be my sisters sister in law we live beneath my sister and my roommates brother this is also a very hard thing to do I understand that my sister is probably having a very hard time dealing with the fact that she lost her child due to a sickness that has no cure but she has be come more difficult to deal with more than what she was before. I continued to see the guy after moving out of his house but I should have known by now that nothing would change he is 30 years old and he is satisfied with the way his life is, needless to say I got pregnant and I am now in this situation where I have my daughter every other week living with my roommate below my sister and her boyfriend and my nephew and my other sister who was having some trouble back at home so she moved in too. Feeling very unsure about my life and my future working a part time job that is not nearly doing enough and having one vehicle that is on the verge of breaking down and shared between 2 people. The baby's father knows that I am pregnant but due to some bad choices he made he wants really what seems like nothing to do with me he said he thought it would be better if I had an abortion but that is something that I could not do even though very few people know about my pregnancy I could not live with myself knowing that I killed and innocent child all because of the choice I made to have unprotected sex with a guy who is very immature so although I do still love him and would love for things to work out between us and have the family life I have always wanted I don't think I am going to get that so I am left with having a baby with someone that I am not going to be with its a very awful feeling but I really have no choice because I am against having an abortion I think that is the easy way out of things and because I cannot give this baby up for adoption I feel very lost in my life and very alone. Well I am sorry that was so long I just had to get a lot of stuff off my chest before I drove myself crazy.
misstaken25 misstaken25
22-25, F
7 Responses Aug 12, 2010

well I am not the one who doesnt want this baby he is the one who wanted me to do that and adoption is something that i can not do either and i dont have family anywhere else that i can go to i am just feeling very overwhelmed in everything part of that being from the emotions and the rest with a little fear of doing this on my own i always pictured my life way different and because i started to be selfish i am where i am now and i am trying to figure out a way to get out of this hole i dug and fell into its a little scary trying to do it own

thank you I hope something good happens soon though

I've nothing here to say as I don't think I'm capable of giving any advice. As you have said I listened to what you have to say. I think that is all I can offer at this time. Just one thing, don't do anything crazy. You are a good hearted person and I'm sure help will come sooner or later. Just hang in there. God bless.

I am trying to do that it just seems that the people who can and are willing to help are not in the best situations themselves I know what kind of life I want and where I want to be its just so hard to get there

nova you said it best (i got shivvers, was very inspirational!) ...misstaken, you need to decide what kind of life you want, and don't accept anything or anyone less. work hard so that you can have success and be able to rely upon yourself.

well as far as help I am not sure that i can get it some maybe but not much well not from the state and as far as my family goes I am not sure how they are going to take my being pregnant by a guy that they don't really care for not to mention they are all having hard times themselves and the reason he said that about taking the baby is because of the situation I am in i am living in a 2 bedroom with my daughter and a friend and her daughter 2 bedrooms is not a good place for 5 ppl I dont have a car me and my friend share one car and its messed up to and I am working at a job that is part time its hard to find work where I live and as far as the child support goes I cant get that if he decides not to pay because I am still leaglly married to my daughters father they will go after him because of the fact we are married even though the child is not his and that is not something I am trying to do to my ex husband i am feeling pretty lost and torn confused hurt and scared

Thank you your words bring comfort to me I am hoping that we can at least be civil about his but like I said he is immature he is 30 and acts like a 20 year old and has already tried to threaten me that he will take my baby if he has to. I don't want to make him do something he doesn't want to do so that is why I am trying to be an adult about things and just be civil for the sake of our child.