"just Breathe"

I don't know what group would be apropiate for this story, I just felt like writing this feeling that's been haunting me down for a while. I've always wanted to make the world a better place and help those people who truly have it way worse than me but after a while I realized that I'm not fully capable of being that person I've always dreamt of. Maybe because I'm way too selfish sometimes, maybe because I've always been the good girl and people have just taken advantage of that, maybe because I'm not as "good" as I though and my "dark side" it's waiting for the perfect moment to explode. I asked myself, how can I help others if I can't even help myself? I've felt sad, useless, lonely,....like no one gets me & then I start feeling angry, with rage towards everything and everyone. I don't get people, I feel I'm not part of them. There's an invisible bubble between me and the rest of them. After a while, I feel calm again. At ease, I can sit down and watch movies for a long time. An escape, a refuge. Something to make me think of anything but myself. I don't know what's wrong, if there's anything at all. But before getting to know the world, I need to know myself. Who I am. That girl who changes so drastically from a minute to another. That same girl who went to school everyday with a smile on her face and no one even asked her if she was okay. That girl who lied so many times to everyone. That girl who nows sits on her bed as the times slips by. What is it that disturbs me so much? What is it that I'm searching for? Am I the good or the bad? Am I standing in the light or in the dark? "Just Breathe" I tell myself, "take it as it comes. Accept life and make the changes YOU want" but I just stay on this same four walls.Lying, waiting, dying....
tatyana16 tatyana16
18-21, F
5 Responses Oct 8, 2011

Thank you all for your comments and your kind words, I really needed to get it all out of my chest.

"Am I the good or the bad? Am I standing in the light or in the dark?" - This is one of the quintessential questions that most people ask themselves at some point in their lives. It's the sort of deceptively simple question that we can only answer for ourselves. I asked myself the same thing for a long time, and eventually realized that I'm both the light side and the dark side. <br />
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I know what it's like to feel like there's a bubble between you and other people sometimes, like everyone else is a different species than you - not better or worse, just different and separate, at least that's what it's like for me. The thing is that everyone gets angry sometimes, and everyone feels disconnected sometimes, and everyone puts on a strong face sometimes, and lies sometimes. Everything you're describing sounds like part of the normal experience of being human.<br />
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It sounds like you're asking a lot of great questions, and doing a great job of putting your worldview out there so that all of us can give you different perspectives to consider.

It helps to take time to think about and analyze the things that are happening to your life right now - how and why you got to this point. But it's not really enough 'cause sometimes we get so blinded about the impression we have on our selves and the person we want to be that we tend to overlook those little details about us that are really essential in knowing the real us. Talking to the people around you helps a lot (make sure they're the ones who truly cares for you and would never lie to you even if the truth will hurt). Ask them what they think about you. Give them situations and ask them what they think you'd do on that given situation. Then take time to think again. Think about what you think about yourself and what others think about you then just connect them together. Anyway, self discovery is a life-long process. Don't let all these confusions hinder you from doing what you want to do. Just believe in yourself.

I understand as I've been there myself. Keep writing, you never know - you may find an answer, or someones comment may help you.

I'm a whole lot older than you, but I've experienced this internal battle all my life: the humanitarian who wanted to be kind and wanted to help people where I could, in struggle with my depression, and asperger's syndrome, and my general dislike of the way humans conduct themselves. there's no easy answer. I hope you keep writing stories about what you're struggling with. maybe one of us will say something that will help you decide how you want to behave in this world towards yourself and towards others. you're young... you have (we hope) a lot of time to work on making these decisions.