What Fork To Take? Shouldn't I Be Able To Tell What They Are First?

I feel like there's this big crossroads before me, but I'm not even sure what the forks are. Is that strange? I can't seem to do anything at all, I feel paralized because I'm worried that I'll make the wrong move.

Last month I was taking on temporary, full-time responsibilities (I am part-time while in school), and while I began to like it originally, it ended up draining all I had in my battery packs. What's worse is for the first couple of weeks, I and my coworkers were convinced something was going to play out so that we would get promotions-each of us- and I would be offered the position I was filling in for. I was stuck between my desire to do more and my lack of energy and time that was quickly becoming apparent as I was doing both my regular job and my new job. Then, what do you know? Nothing worked out and we all reverted back to our old jobs while someone new was hired.

As that was going on I was unable to do any schoolwork (I take classes online), and I've no found out I have missed a deadline for an assignment by over a week. It's now worth crap more than likley. I've discovered that I really don't like my course, and it bites because I am one class away from finishing in June. I work at a Convention Centre, so I have been taking a course in Event Management to suppliment the learning on the job. I started wanting to go into the field.... and have moved away my desire to complete any of it. I seriously want to just quit. I can't though, because while I don't make much, it's the only thing that can pay my phone bills.

On the work front, I live with my partner and we are both in school, though he runs a non-profit out of our apartment and does not make an income. Thus, I am the only one that works. Sometimes it's frustrating when I come home and see that he hasn't done much in my opinion all day. Then I feel horrible because I know he does a lot of good Nationally, and I just complain. It's disheartening knowing that my wage doesn't do much more than some groceries and the phone bills, while he brings in the most money due to Student Loans. The other aspect is that he has a debilitating disability that he's had from birth, so he isn't exactly able to do as much as me either.

Now the fun parts--I have just proposed to him, but I just feel so depressed about my future and my lack of direction that I haven't really been able to enjoy being engaged and to even start to plan a wedding. I don't see how we can afford it on my little tiny salary and student loans. Not that I mind a long engagement, I just would like to see the end in my head. I miss writing my blog, but haven't been able to do so in almost 6 months now due to random things like hospital stays that come up. I want to start again, but I've no idea what i could even write.

There are just so many things that I'd like to do, but I'm frozen, and I'm not sure how to go on pretending to be happy. I told him about it, but there isn't much he can do honestly. It's just hard.
bhrc bhrc
22-25, M
2 Responses May 8, 2012

Life does present problems. Some choices are made, however, on the basis of what others want or expect of you. Your "internal cumpass" is there to guide you if you follow it towards things that are enjoyable and interesting to you. This, however, takes a leap of faith. It helps if you remember that trying things is the only real way of eliminating roads you will never be happy taking. It also helps to understand that you will make mistakes -just like everybody does. If you are kind to yourself, you will never loose belief that you will find your way. You must believe that you do have someting of your own specialness to give Ways through which to do so will open themselves to you.

I think everyday my new goal is to find something to do that I enjoy, and a lot of that may just be sitting there in the sun of the window and relaxing. Honestly, it's probably not perfect, but at least I'm less stressed.

Life can get so complicated. You have a lot on your plate, my friend. Breath...take a step back and clear your mind. Take a day for yourself and do something fun or relaxing that way you can recharge your batteries and reset your mind.

Actually, my fiance and me ended up going on a staycation at a hotel in town, and I feel better now I think. Still working through things... but better at least:)