Obscured Strength

Not sleeping well. Keep battling the demons of my past. I don't understand and I find myself extremely angry. I thought I came to terms. I thought I accepted and got past it; as in moved on. But my dreams are telling me something else. I'm still haunted by the loss and the devastation those losses I allowed to create in me.
Instead I deluded myself. I buried it...buried it all. And now a trigger has flipped the switch and I am standing in the proverbial backyard of my life, staring down at the remains of things that should be long gone.
I assumed I dealt with them, I assumed I accepted them, I assumed I had healed from them. I assumed wrong.
Where do you go from here? I DON'T WANT TO BE DEFINED FOR MY PAST. i don't want to be defined by my losses.
How in Gods name did I allow myself to get dragged 10 miles back? Why is my daughters pregnancy making me relive the loss of her sister? How can the loss of child from almost 22 years ago still consume me? and that is what it is doing; slowly digesting me one small fragment at a time.
Okay.... so lets put down in text. Try and figure this out.......
I was 19
She is 20
Mine was a daughter
Her's is to be a boy
Mine was born in April but she died in May
Hers is due in May
I'm stuck here...i don't know if it's because a part of my brain won't allow me to go on or if this is seriously all i have to be getting uptight over.
But the damn dreams...of trying to find the strength to comfort my child as the past manifests to the future as she holds her dead child....what in gods name is wrong with me?????
I'm losing it...I woke up at 2 this morning....with the deep rooted need to get in my truck and haul balls to wall - I am outta here....If I run...nothing will happen...because I won't know anything happened. And when did I start having thoughts of escaping? When I have I EVER backed down? I may have had my thoughts...but I always stood up and did what I could to face it... now...i'm tired....so very tired. emotionally, spiritually, physically, psychologically.....
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1 Response Dec 29, 2012

Your daughter having a baby has triggered a memory for you.. it's quite normal to have these feelings. Maybe after the baby is born you will feel better. Losing a chid is very difficult, so be gentle with yourself and just roll with the emotions. Meanwhile, it maybe helpful if you find a therapist you can talk to about this, sometimes talking to someone else and getting a different prospective can be helpful.