I Had It All Figured Out ...

the first time i saw "Who's the Boss?" with Tony Danza and Judith Light I was 13.  i knew within the first five episodes what i was going to do with my life!  as time went on i made it.  i was an advertising executive with lots of big accounts, status, money, lots of tangable 'stuff' that equates to nothing in the long run.

i began to grow discontent with this choice about year 5.  at 13 i wasn't aware the politics that went into being an 'executive' of any kind.  i wasn't aware of the 'white' lies you have to tell with each breath when you're in sales.  i wasn't aware how you had to twist words to make things appear 'wonderful' and 'irresistable.'  had i known then, i'd have changed my career goals. 

at 13 i had a heckuva plan.  all things went well for the most part - per specifications i'd dreamt of for so long.

during an extra curricular activity i was severely injured.  that would be the end of my career.  that would be the end of me holding any job whatsoever due to all the side affects of the medications, all the symptoms of the 'condition,' the instability of it and fact it's completely and totally unpredictable and the little use i have left of my left leg.  (i can walk now but it takes a LOT out of me.)

since the injury i've been wondering what i'm going to do.  it's been 3.5 years now.  i've tried desperately to work from home but when your schedule, symptoms, side affects, etc. are erratic at best it's well beyond difficult.  then the doctors all ask, "why don't you work?"  as if it's supposed to be easy because i don't 'appear' ill. 

the government tells me i'm too young, too intelligent, too this and that to be 'disabled.'  yet i've had doctor after doctor - those who take the time and listen, observe and diagnose with their own brain rather than what society thinks the standard is tell me i'm fully disabled.

now here's the thing ... i do NOT want to be disabled.  i do NOT want to sit at home another minute!  i do NOT want 'this' life.  i don't necessarily want my old life back.  in a way the accident/injury came at a good time in my career (when i was ready to QUIT!) and although most would consider the 'condition' a curse i find it to be quite a blessing in many ways. 

there are a very limited number of things i can now do and whatever it is i'll have to be able to work from home on my own schedule.  used to i could do anything, however, my abilities have all diminished greatly - learning, retention, comprehension, memory, courage, communication, organization, etc. has all been affected negatively.  i can't sell ice water to people in h3ll to save my hide these days!  i simply cannot think quickly enough and in sales you MUST be able to think strategically at a fast pace. 

i've considered taking some courses to properly learn to build websites, advertisements, etc.  but this doesn't spark my fuse.  sure it would take up time and pay bills, however, the passion simply is not there.

what i'd like to do more than anything is become a 'guardian ad litum' for the court system.  but i lack the abilities/skills needed to go to back to school.  even if i did, i wouldn't be able to keep up with the rigors of the schedule of said career.  i'd really like to, in some capacity, be able to help children on an emotional level.  with that said, i'm not physically able to keep up with children.  so ... it's a rough situation to be in.

if anyone has any ideas, please feel free to share...  i'm growing more and more frustrated and feeling increasingly helpless which is unlike me.

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal
31-35, F
5 Responses Jun 29, 2007

yes, yes they do ... yet society holds them up on a pedestal and they have some kind of 'God complex' so to speak - because they have ultimate control of your life via your health ... talk about control freaks! geesh!

I've had some bad dealings with doctors over the years. I had an orthopedic surgeon who operated on my broken heel tell me to put hydrogen peroxide on the wound daily. I had been doing this for 2 weeks when I went to a physical therapist who was shocked that I'd been doing that. He couldn't believe that it was doctors orders. He said that I should have only done that for 1-2 days and that after that I was just keeping the wound from healing. I've had numerous other pitfalls and bad advice from doctors. They are not as professional and perfect as so many people think. They make a lot of mistakes/oversights.

very cute C bout the sitcom ... got a giggle outta me anyway. well ... if it's in some way against the 'treadmill' rules then arrest me now! i'm a white knuckler on those things - they scare me! escalators have the same affect on me as well ... i've had this fear since i was a child that they'd just somehow suck me in and i'd never resurface ... *shrugs* yeah these doctors ... *sighs* what is it with them and 'activity'? do they not realize how F'g hard it is just to find, or in my case 'get to', the bathroom when you need to or just to feed yourself when you're on the brink of starvation? obviously they don't because all i hear is, "you need to find some form of activity ... blah blah blah blah..." so i do what i can and beyond that ... oh well ...

thank you, siddler. you're so reassuring and such a positive voice in my life.

You are such a bright and well-spoken woman that I think in time you'll see for yourself something that can fit into your new lifestyle and be satisfying also. With the attitude you have and what you've been through I think you'd be a great speaker for inspiration/motivation. You seem to be very optimistic despite what you've been through. That shows a lot of strength and courage. I'm sure you will find something that fits you and your situation.