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Unedited Truthhhhh

Bear with me here... I'm in a very odd place in life right now, and lately i wouldnt consider myself mentally stable.

(After writing this i am going to add this, I did alot of rambling, but i want it to remain true and unedited. This is my mess;)

3 Years ago i was just a smart kid in college who tried to live the best of both worlds. I was smart, and knew how to party and have fun. I thought my parents were ridiculous for criticizing my drinking when i had excelled at school with ease.

Well... one day i was at a party 2 miles from my house with friends drinking... etc etc. I decided it was time to leave, solo, and made my way home driving. I was pleasantly buzzed/borderline drunk. Atleast thats how i classify the feeling. To make a long story short, if you can believe wrong place wrong time or just fate... i hit a pedestrian. Going ~35 mph. No time to react, the man superman jumped infront of my car. He was drunk aswell. Luckily a witness of his backed up my story so i avoided prison. Charged with only DWI. But i messed him up bad. He had over ~$300,000 in medical bills and was in critical condition for 3 months. I went from college honors student to public disgrace and family shame.

Ive always believe in owning upto my mistakes, i went to work the next day. Was promptly fired because of what happened after being a model employee. That set the tone for the next year of my life.. shunned.

Following the accident was the most lonely and depressing time in my life. I closed myself off from the world. I drank everyday all day and rarely left home except for booze and food. I was ******** of all license priveledge... i couldnt even drive to school. I dropped out. I was a complete waste case for about a year. Then my grandma died and i cant express what came over me but i will try.

I was smoking a blunt(weed) outside thinking about my grandma when i realized now she could see what i had become. She had died and i was a complete failure. I thought about some others who died aswell and told myself it was time to start making some changes. I went to sleep.

This is where it happened. I felt something come over me. I started convulsing but nothing serious.. just i couldnt controll the extreme shaking. After ten minutes or so it stopped and i felt different. I immediately got up and wrote down all the changes i was going to make, and why. It was like all my pain was gone. I was no longer sad about my grandmother... i had some divine feeling that everything was going to be okay and that everything happens for a reason. In the back of my mind i thought maybe my dead relatives had done me a service somehow and removed this from me. ( i am not religious.. I believe in god thats it)

I am rambling! but yet i will go on.

From that point on i felt.. happy... My whole life i have known i was different from most people. I feel as if i am here for a reason. After gaining some new perspective on life out of the blue, i was ready to get on with my life. The courts withheld my license for a full 3 years. They wouldnt even let me join the army when i tried.

I want more than anything... to REEDEEM myself. Not to anyone.. just me. I know i am capable of great things.


SO heres why i am lost.

I just got my license back in june. (i used to say i got my life back, but thats not proving to be as liberating as i thought)

I am working a decent job. Enough to afford my apartment and bills. I live paycheck to paycheck BARELY. No extra money. I kicked my parents out of my life when i moved out. It was very hard to see the shame they saw in me EVERY time they looked at me. Very complicated relationship there.. with them. See they have money and they covered some of my bills when i was a jobless mess. They were mad that i couldnt show appreciation for these deeds. No matter how much i tried to explain to them, its hard to appreciate anything when you dont care if you live or die.

This is probably terrible to read and i wonder if anyone will actually read this rambling ****. I prolly wouldnt. And now that i think about it i dont even know why i am posting all this background info when i coulda made it short and sweet. AH!


Basically i am smart enough to know i cant work a entry level job and be happy. But i have bills to pay, and have no one to turn to. After i cut my parents from my life i find myself wanting to avoid my entire family. I want to go start a new life but i dont know how. The only thing i can think of is the Army. Inwhich case i would choose army medic because i have to what i respect the most. Which is the guy on the front lines. However i would only be joining the army to pay for my schooling when i got out. I am not afraid of death, or anything really... only failure. Do i risk death to escape my current life? Does anyone wanna pay for my college?haaa

What i think is troubling me the most is living alone. I already think way to much and when i am left to my thoughts all day i am seeing myself going down hill. I feel powerless. But i dont believe in drugs. I took ritalin as a child and hated it. It makes me...not me. Ive had mental struggles before... my stupid philosophy is 'if it goes wrong in my head.. i can fix it in my head' Im having doubts.

This is my attempt at reaching out. and incase your wondering at the time of writing this i am completely sober. Odd that i feel somewhat better after just venting like this

I dont really think how things come off before i say them, and when trying to express my doubts to friends i just sound completely nuts and give up.

Anyone understand me?


 

ZanDink ZanDink 22-25 5 Responses Dec 2, 2008

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Well, above you had a parent with a huge hart. As a person who went through a lot more I would like to ask you a few questions. <br />
First, no one can understand you. Only you. The things you said are only words of your pictures and memories so thay are already different than your own truth. I try to put myself in your shoies which is impossible but could come close.<br />
From what I read it seems that you are TRAUMATIZED and yore family is too. Maybe you could tell me how would you feel if someone that you love and want to help does not want to communicate with you and pushes you away?<br />
I think that your behavior (please notice that I am not referring to your personality but behavior) is typical for traumatized people and that you should see someone to HEAL TRAUMA. Untill you do that you will not be free from the past and will not be abel to move on.<br />
Running away dose not fix it it makes it worse and the feeling of being lost stays. <br />
I do not know where you are from but there are really good NLP professionals and hypnotherapist that do great work with trauma and can definitely help find your way on. Even deciding on what to do or not and when decided how to do it. Once a friend of mine asked, when I had a very hard time " WHy don't you GIVE UP?" . No, no, not like dropping dead and giving up life, but GIVE UP with your both hand, deliver your thoughts and worries UP, give them to an upper place, to GOD!

I am a parent. I have 2 sons. Whatever my kids do, however much I might not approve of their actions, I will always love them, want what's best for them and want them to live up to potential. I hope they never "sever" our ties that bind. When they are adult men and move on, if they ever feel embarrassed or ashamed over learning times, I hope they don't project that into what they see when I look into their eyes. A parents love is so difficult for a child to understand. I don't think your crazy. Here's a good thought for you and of you, hold it tight and keep moving forward.

Life sucks. And you are in it. No need to make it worse.

i (partially) know how you are feeling. as a kid and all the way through college i was a star student and the favorite child. i graduated with honors, i won awards, i studied abroad, i was the one my mom bragged about to all her friends. I graduated a year and a half ago from college and have been working my *** off searching for a job and i just can't seem to find one. I am now 24, living back at home, jobless and completely broke. i know my disgrace to my family seems incomparable to yours, but things have changed so much since i've been home. my mom makes up stories to tell her friends about me, my stepdad is constantly harassing me like he thinks i'm not trying. they are disapointed that i didn't accomplish all that everyone thought i would and i don't know what to do about it. i am living in a toxic enviroment, but i don't have enough money to get out. I can't convince myself to get a retail job or something like that, i know i need the money, but I have a bachelor's degree, i should be doing more than asking "do you want fries with that!" and the worse part is that all my my friends (who i've moved away from) have jobs, some have even been promoted (multiple times)!<br />
<br />
it just seems that i had so much potential and i have failed and let everyone down, mostly myself. It's hard to work so hard for 10 years for something you want so bad and be repeatedly rejected.<br />
<br />
just know you are not alone...

Everyone screws up. You recognize where you went wrong, and are ready to make some changes. Forgive yourself, decide what you want and go for it.